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Parenting

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Daughter starting a toxic relationship

4 replies

Maketheheatwavelastforever · 16/07/2026 20:40

DD (20), just finished first year at uni, has had a friend for the last 3 years and from the beginning there’s always been something between them. They get off with each other now and then, but now he’s asking for it to be a proper relationship. The problem is he treats her really badly. It’s things like he puts her down and makes nasty remarks if she’s hanging out with friends and he gets jealous, or once she was parked in her car and wouldn’t let him in so he started kicking her car. The first time they got off with each other he called her fat afterwards. She’s always said she won’t go out with him because of the way he treats her but after a few “deep chats” recently she’s convinced it’ll work. I’ve had a long chat with her today about how this is emotionally abusive and he’s not going to change (without serious counselling) but she’s besotted. Now I’m not sure what to do. It may fizzle out, but if it doesn’t? I hate the idea of her twenties going in a toxic relationship. Her Dad walked out when she was tiny, and although she has a relationship with him I now wonder if deep down she accepts sub-standard behaviour from men. Any advice welcome please!

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MrsOvertonsWindow · 16/07/2026 20:52

How very worrying. The challenge is that if you're too negative about him you could inadvertently push her in his direction - and she'll stop confiding in you.

I think I'd be reiterating that it's her life and decisions but... you hope she won't settle for someone who doesn't value and cherish her?

Many young women just don't see abuse until they've got involved in a toxic relationship. I think you have to say what you can but then stand back and let he make her own decisions. Keep the communication open so she feels able to confide and seek help if things go wrong without fearing you'll do the "I told you so".

it's a really difficult balance. Flowers

CurlewKate · 16/07/2026 21:03

Oh god-I’ve been there. All you can do is stay with her. We did- and in the end we supported her through a court case and she is now very happily about to get married to a lovely man. Do please look at the resources available. This is wonderful.https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

jellyfish798 · 16/07/2026 21:12

I got with an old friend like this in almost identical circumstances with similar behaviour from him which I minimised, as I had low self-esteem significantly because of my relationship with my dad. It led to years in a miserable relationship and eventually my therapist helped me see my worth and I broke up with him.

If I look back to what might have helped make me think of it a different way:

Explain you respect her decisions but kindly suggest that it's good to reflect on whether a guy's actions align with his words - I was far too focused on the crap he said (deep chats 🙉) and didn't think about how disconnected this was from his behaviour.

Ask her how she would feel if her friend was being treated this way. She might find it easier to be objective about it because we tend to have higher standards for our loved ones and friends than we do for ourselves.

Encourage her to keep up with her support network no matter what: time with you, her friends, sticking to her career goals, hobbies, all of this helps ensure her world doesn't shrink the way mine did.

If there's anything therapeutic she might consider - 1-1s, self help, wellbeing apps, affirmations cards, self care tools, anything at all could help her start focusing on her own needs - even little things could make a difference.

Good luck to both of you xxx

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Maketheheatwavelastforever · 16/07/2026 22:18

Thank you @jellyfish798 thats really helpful advice, her friends don’t like him and becoming isolated is a worry. She’s had a counselling session but I think I need to encourage a bit more.

Im glad you got out of yours.

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