Am I wrong to feel dismissed over my partner's childcare decisions?

[Missymanc]

I Have been with my partner for 3 years and he has a 6 yr old who he co-shares. We live together in my house with my 15 year old son. My stepsons mum doesn’t seem interested at times in having her child so we pick up most weekends, any doctors appointments, football practice during the week and for weeks when she goes on holiday or needs a break. I feel like my OH never gives me a say in this though and I’m just told about it when the plans have already been made. Am I wrong for feeling annoyed or dismissed? I always get accused of not wanting him around, but when we originally got together it was close to their breakup and she denied him access to his child for months. I don’t want to seem like the wicked stepmom but at the same time, I have already raised my son and am happy building my career now that I can.

Does he expect you to help care for his son? I think this is ok as long as your partner is doing the lion's share of caring for his son and isn't expecting you to share the childcare.

Are you expected to be involved in drop offs/ day to day care of 6 year old, or is dp cracking on with it himself?

Why is he living with you? Can you carry on the relationship without living together?

Is he doing the childcare or expecting you to do it?

Cocklodger alert! Get him to move right back out again!

oh dear
i suspect if you ask him to move out into his own place and have a 'not live together' relationship he'll have his son a lot less
always the way

Time you started being around less...
Or him less full stop.

If mum isn't really that bothered with the child, then the dad is 100% to pick up her slack for HIS CHILD's wellbeing. You are, of course, fine to live apart or even to chose not to go out with the man at all, but he should be putting HIS son FIRST!

Sounds like he isn’t the guy for you. He wants to prioritise his son, and rightly so, and you have been there and done that.

So to give you more context, he does the lions share with his son, it’s really lovely to see him so caring and I love that for him so I’m usually happy to play second fiddle and get on with my life but my issue is he says yes to everything without running by anything past me. She dictates and if I try to bring it up, in his words “it’s her loss” we now never have any time together at weekends or a lot of the week now too. I’m just dreading the summer hols and don’t know how to speak to him about it.

So to give you more context, he does the lions share with his son, it’s really lovely to see him so caring and I love that for him so I’m usually happy to play second fiddle and get on with my life but my issue is he says yes to everything without running by anything past me. She dictates and if I try to bring it up, in his words “it’s her loss” we now never have any time together at weekends or a lot of the week now too. I’m just dreading the summer hols and don’t know how to speak to him about

I agree his son comes first. His home is whete his dad is. If you are not prepared for the possibility of having his son 24/7, stepparenting isn't for you.

If he’s doing the care, you can get on with your career as you’ve said you want.

He is taking care of his son as he should. His ex may not be willing to negotiate, in which case he has no option but to take care of his son. And anyway, if I were him, I would want to be with my child as much as possible.

He isn't asking you to do childcare so it doesn't impact your career.

If you aren't prepared to be a family of three or to spend time on your own while his ds is present, then this isn't a relationship that suits you.

If your dp has sense, he will be saving for a deposit on his own flat because he will need it shortly.

Of course he should put his son first. What do you think he should run past you first about HIS son?

It's his son, they're a package deal.

How would you feel if he insisted on your son going to an inadequate parent?

So what was the gap between him separating from ex and moving in with you? Where did he live in between?

He should certainly prioritise his son, as I assume you prioritise your DC especially when they were 6

Can you make a plan to go away with your son that your partner could join if he’s free? So you don’t feel like your life is on hold.

He doesn’t need to run his parental responsibilities past you before he decides if he can fulfil them. You chose you share your home with a man who has a child, so you have already chosen to make it their home too. If you try and stop your partner from parenting his child when he needs to, for whatever reason, then you are the perfect definition of an evil step mother.

Your update changes things. In his situation, especially if DM isn't interested, I'd not say no.
I think your choices are to split or accept that his DC does come first.

Is it the uncertainty and last minute changes of plan that's upsetting you, or is it having his DS around all the time? If it's the former, then yes talk to your DP about communicating better and carving out some time for the two of you. I mean if his DS was also your child you and your DP would still need couple time together. But if it's the latter then your DP isn't the right person for you I think.

Honestly OP, bluntly while I don't think you are wrong to feel "dismissed by your partner's childcare decisions" per se, I think you are being a little naïve. A mum who wants her son to go to his dad a lot, and a dad who doesn't hesitate to say no, even when there are less desirable consequences for him of the time not being equally shared, and rushed plan changes, smacks to me of a dad who knows mum's isn't really a good place for the kid. I think you need to look at this as your partner knowing kiddo is better off with you and completely rightly putting his kids first.

So, he does the childcare for his son, your son actually lives with you both but you feel he should ‘run it past you’ when he gets the opportunity to be a proper dad to his child? You’ve ’already raised your son’ but feel he should ask to raise his?

There was a way you could have avoided this, but you knew that when you started going out with him.

It's her house and her older son lives there too. Of course he should ok it with them!

Op why did he move in to your house?