Considering a third child at 35 to 36 with two young children

[Linensparrow]

currently have x2 DCs, 3 yo and 1yo and I am wanting a third. DH is also onboard. Financially we will be fine. We just need to ttc later than we would like as to time it with DC1 going to school so we don’t have to pay x3 nursery fees!! By my calculation I will be 35-36. Would this be OK??? We currently feel we are waiting for someone else to join us and make more noise 🤣 but at the same time, how much adjustments will we need to make to our routines? Would bedtime become harder etc? Or perhaps it was easy moving from 2 to 3? Would love your opinions

What are you most worried about? Surely not age? Is it having 3 under 6? What’s your main concern?

I have 3 kids and I was
32
36
39
when I had them - it’s busy but I love it 🥰

I just had my 3rd and I’m 35, no regrets at all love her to pieces. I have found the 3rd kind of ‘slots in’ to the routine that’s already in place in the house. She an absolute pleasure and my easiest baby of the 3!

@INeedaDietcoke that sounds wonderful! I think once the 1yo is out of his cot, we will move them to the same room on single bed each. Totally makes so much sense to have them all in one room for single bedtime!

@Beachbeach hang in there 😞 I have a 1 yo too and he is so clingy/whiney etc but they must be going through so much rn (is what I try remind myself). Then when big bro is around, all his whineyness disappears. He just plays and gets so distracted. Maybe I am too boring 😅 but this is why I love having 2+

This is interesting because it shows how it's different for everyone, I was 32 with my first and 36 with my second. The first hit me like a truck, I found it really hard, adding the second was genuinely no big deal. Currently pregnant with a surprise 3rd, will be 40 when she/he gets here. I'm really hoping 2-3 is a similar experience to 1-2. Might be back here in 6 months like "oh my god what have I done?!" 😂

Tbh im more talking about the pregnant stage, no idea how the baby will be when they get here at the end of the year. Im hoping it'll be easy going as my eldest will be starting school so will feel almost like just having 1 most of the time.

Ahh ok, I've found pregnancy pretty similar all 3 times. Second baby when first has just started school is the dream, I really enjoyed it, hopefully you will too!

I so regret not going for a third child. Never mind the cost etc etc, one never regrets that baby once they are there.

when in doubt, leave it out.

Respectfully disagree, regret additional child.

Financially we’d be fine means we don’t have to change house, we can afford car upgrade, a bigger weekly shop, still go on holiday etc.

How "fine" will you be financially when you have three teenagers? Three laptops, three mobile phones, three lots of school uniform, three lots of support at university?

Also, don't underestimate how much teenagers need you on an emotional level. The stress dealing with friendship and relationship issues, GCSEs, A levels or equivalent, UCAS, university etc needs to be taken into consideration.

Just go for it! Sounds like you already made your decision anyway.

I have 4 -
DC 1 at 32
DC 2 at 34
DC 3 at 37
DC4 at 39
It was a busy decade (feels like I lost my 30s to be honest) but I wouldn't change it. For me the jump from 0-1 was the hardest, after that, well, we were already there so why not!
The "4 under 7" moment was intense, but it also passed pretty quickly - youngest is nearly 8 now, the oldest 2 are teenagers who do a lot of sports and a bit of part time work to show willing /contribute to their own expenses. So far, so good.

I have 3, they are just turned 6, 4 and 8months. I was 32, 34 and 38 when I had them. I found 2-3 the easiest transition by far. Our older two have shared a room for a couple of years now (we thought it would help the eldest sleep as he doesn’t sleep well) and that helps us with them having a bedtime together. I found my last pregnancy very difficult as I had a lot of pain and looking after my older two whilst pregnant was really challenging but we got through it and I honestly wouldn’t change things. If I thought my body would handle it I’d have another!

I had my first two at 32 and 34, but I always felt like someone was missing and there was supposed to be a third. I got pregnant very quickly at 38 and had our third at 39 and she is a total delight! All went well and she perfected the dynamics like the secret ingredient in a cake. I cannot imagine life without her. I love babies and pregnancy and if someone told me I was pregnant with a fourth, I would be fine with it but its totally different to the yearning I had for the third. I feel satisfied like I have had a really good meal, but could squeeze in dessert if you twisted my arm. Before I felt like I was still hungry and knew I hadn't had enough to eat. I hope that terribly clumsy analogy explains my internal process!

@RampantIvy we will be comfortably fine. If finances were a restriction, I could not ethically even consider the thought of having a third. For perspective, at the moment, we could be buying them a laptop each month with the nursery fees we are paying for x2 kids! Latest macbooks even. So when that money pit closes up, we will be comfortable with x3 kids.

@Darkdiamond hahaha - that 'clumsy' analogy perfectly reflects my feeling now. So thanks for that. I just feel the boys could do with another gang member, and obviously both me and my husband would love to welcome another. The main two things I wouldn't look forward to are morning sickness and buying a new car. Mostly buying a new car. I'm just not fussed about cars but for logistical and practical reasons, we'd need one.

Also on the dessert part, I already know I'd feel that way about a fourth because, when do you stop, really? It's such a precious experience every time and I am unhealthily obsessed with wanting to know what our genetic mix can offer to this world every time. However, I will pass on the dessert.

Update: we have been having very rough nights with our 1yo. It is making me question if I have the strength for a third to go through this again. I am exhausted

I wrote a list of reasons not to have a third baby - one being that I’ll be over 35 by the time it’s born even if I got pregnant right now and for some reason I’ve always wanted to be done by 35.
But, basically I add stuff to my list like having to do potty training a 3rd time, weaning again (which I absolutely hate), sleepless nights whilst looking after two other kids, toddler tantrums for a 3rd time etc. Any time a tricky or unenjoyable situation comes up with either of my two I just add it to the list so that when I’m feeling like I could handle a 3rd I read through all the reasons not to do it aha. It’s helping.
Another big thing that I think is helping me let go of having a 3rd is that I feel more like myself and like we can actually start properly enjoying being a family now we’re out of the little baby stage.
It’s so hard to know when you’re done having kids isn’t it!

It sounds like there are no major obstacles to you having a third.

However IMHO there are no objective benefits to having a third either. It’s not like having a second where you are giving your first a sibling (which can be a mixed blessing but I can see the argument for it being a benefit overall). With a third you are just making everything more stretched - time space money and energy all spread more thinly - and your existing kids aren’t getting anything except another sibling when they already have one.

And with child there’s always the risk of serious additional needs, or just a very difficult child who doesn’t sleep/isn’t happy much, which would make life a lot harder - why roll the dice again, quit while you’re ahead would be my view.

As you can probably tell I don’t understand why anyone has 3, so I’m the wrong person to ask!

@Hathead18 @minipie I understand completely. Definitely in camp two and through on nights like last night. Would be nice to hear why people opted for 3

Sorry to hear that, we’re struggling with our 1yo’s sleep atm too! My view has been to never make life changing decisions on a bad day.

@minipie i disagree, my third, whilst still only 9m I can already see is such a blessing to my 4 and 6yo, my husband and I. I had already seen how caring and wonderful as an older brother my 6yo could be but to see my middle now do and be the same is just so heart warming. And to see the joy in her face as she becomes more interactive now is the best. She adores them playing with her and being near her. She doesn’t love being left on her playmat alone at the moment (she’s at the separation anxiety stage) and I heard my middle say to her today, ‘I’m going for a wee, I’ll be back in a minute, be brave’ 😭 my heart nearly burst.
I appreciate all of the reasons not to have a third as of course it stretches you and your resources further, but I totally disagree that it doesn’t give you anything more then a second sibling does. As they say, the heart just expands and there is even more love and I think this is true for the siblings too.