Can I tell them to ask their dad?

[breakfastdinnerandtea]

I have two older DC (16 & 14) with my exH. His maintenance over the last few years has been on and off. I have recently received it for 3 months after a long break and now it’s off again. I don’t know how he is supporting himself and his family, as he has two more children. Presumably his wife is supporting them all. He rarely sees our DC, maybe 4-5 times a year, mostly for birthdays and Christmas.

With it being the summer holidays soon, DC are out and about with their friends and keep asking me for money. Not massive amounts, £10 here and there maybe 1-2 times a month. I don’t mind giving them money but obviously without the maintenance it’s getting a bit tight, especially since I have an 8 month old baby (with DH), I’m on maternity leave, cost of living etc. I don’t want to bad mouth their dad or make him look like a massive loser in front of his kids (even though I think he is one), but I’m tempted to tell them to “ask your dad” for money. Would this be absolutely out of order? It feels wrong for me to do it. I don’t want to embarrass the kids, I’m not doing it to embarrass him in front of his kids, I’m just tired of being the bank.

If he rarely sees them then probably aren't going to feel comfortable asking him so you'd be putting them in a difficult situation.

But at 16yo, and potentially the 14yo too, you can be suggesting part time jobs - I'm not suggesting they are easy to get, but they do exist.

I would give them a set amount of money each week so everyone knows where they stand. Tl me them you can’t give them anymore than £x a week and suggest they could try asking their Dad if they want more.

Tell them to get jobs?

It’s not so easy to get summer/Saturday jobs for 16 year olds nowadays, let alone 14 year olds. My 16 year old has been looking for 3 months so far.

I actually think you are right, they should also ask their dad it’s not fair it’s all on you!

It absolutely is.

They need to be working for their money, not expecting mum to cough up every time.

It’s really not….

@doyoueverstopandthinkplease let me know where 14yo are getting jobs so easily?

Yes, this is what I worry about. I don’t want to make them uncomfortable. Honestly, I’m not sure they’d even ask him, they’d probably just go without.
The more I think about it the more annoyed I get. They’re more comfortable asking their stepdad for money than their own father. That isn’t right.

We can start looking for a small job for the eldest. I don’t think anywhere would take the 14yo just yet.

I asked a similar question before, my son constantly asks for money for things, the general consensus was no it’s not acceptable to tell them to ask their father

A 14 and a 16 year old should be getting regular pocket money, and managing and budgeting that themselves.

We can start looking for a small job for the eldest. I don’t think anywhere would take the 14yo just yet.

Washing cars
Weeding driveways
Dog walking
Painting fences

There are plenty of ways to earn money without an employer.

My local FB group is full of teenagers looking to do these things.

Honestly, I would be honest with them that he doesn’t pay the maintenance that he is supposed to pay and that means you don’t have the money to give them even though you’d like to be able to. And yes, I’d encourage them to reach out and ask him.

I had a shit dad like this (except mine never paid a penny of maintenance, not once). My mum never bad mouthed him, but she was honest that he didn’t pay what he should. It was helpful for me to know that. Now I personally never asked him for money as I didn’t feel like I needed spending money, but I appreciated knowing what he was really like. If they were 8, no, but as teens, yes, it’s fine for them to put him on the spot if they feel comfortable. At the very least, I think it’s good they understand an age appropriate sense of the full picture.

I do agree with the part time jobs though. Aside from everything with their dad. My 13 year old works and earns about £100 a month.

How much pocket money do they usually get? Could you up it slightly for the school holidays and then they know how much they have.

They only get £20pm pocket money. I could probably up this since I’m topping them up anyway. It’s usually only used for lunches while out. If they go anywhere like the cinema or recently the local fairs I usually give them £20 or so.

My local FB group is full of teenagers looking to do these things.
Are any of them actually getting any work though @SallyD00lally ?

If you can afford to increase their pocket money then I would do that, and be clear that you are increasing it so that you won’t be paying the random amounts during the month.

I wouldn’t tell them to ask their dad, since it sounds like they don’t have much of a relationship. But I don’t think it’s unreasonable for teens to be given an understanding of the family finances, so that they are aware of why you can afford something but why you can’t afford something else, why certain things are prioritised. It’s not “badmouthing” their dad to make them aware that he does not contribute - it’s simply stating a fact. (And that’s mainly because at their ages, especially for the 16 year old, they’re not that far off university and there will obviously need to be a discussion about how that is funded and by whom.)

Both of my children have been working since 14 so neither myself nor my ex husband need to give them anything. They have done babysitting and tutoring, like a poster above, and advert on Facebook, or showing how wonderful you are with neighbours kids is all it takes. If they want, I also personally offer £10 an hour for any big jobs around our house that aren’t their normal chores - washing windows or my car for example

No, they won’t feel able to.

give them a fixed amt per week then managing it is their problem.

tell them you’ll help them to try to get paid work - paper round, Saturday job, that sort of thing,

Have cms said he doesn't have to pay anything?even on jsa its a fiver....

We will work on getting jobs.
I think I’m just very frustrated at constantly being the bank of mum and stepdad, when dad is just good for nothing. I just want to tell him what a waste of space he is but he wouldn’t even accept it. He thinks he’s dad of the year. Maybe he is for his two other children.

No. So it’s been on and off for about 3 years now, where I think he’s getting temporary contracts and then seemingly not getting a permanent job at the end. I wonder if, this time, he failed his probation period since this was 3 months of payment.
Once within those 3 years he has paid £7pw while on benefits, but it was only for 2 months before he got a job. For most of the time it’s been nil rate.

Yes, there are many people who return to the posts to thank them and say they did such a good job, they paid them more.

And this leads to recommendations.

This is exactly what I was going to suggest, look at what pocket money they get, see how much more you can afford and top it up a bit. Follow that with a conversation that they need to budget and allow for expenses and not ask you for more moving forward.

As my two have both got older and asked for increases in their monthly pocket money, I’ve always said that’s fine but I have also introduced more responsibilities with it tooo.. for example maintaining the home and not just keeping their rooms tidy, things like taking the bins out, making their own dinners if they don’t like what I’ve cooked, washing up after themselves. It works well and has taught them a lot of responsibilities, plus budgeting and financial independence.