evening ladies,
feeling like a completely crap mum and just went to get other peoples takes on how they find motherhood. me and my LOs father split in the very very early days and I’ve lived with my parents since. Although I live with them I do everything with LO myself - bedtimes 6/7 times a week, all nursery runs, and work 4 days a week. LO has never been a great sleeper and on an evening I usually sit down around 8:30/9pm after doing everything I need to, and asleep by 10/10:30, LO can wake once in a night or can wake four times in a night. I’m constantly tired, I have a Saturday to myself but usually I’m running around doing things - gym, house clean, nails, shopping, seeing friends or family, and rarely have actual spare and free time to myself.
I feel so burnt out and constantly tired. I am very loving towards my LO, spend lots of time playing, colouring, chatting. I am what I’d call firm but fair with my parenting style but sometimes feel overly harsh. LO can be hard work - 3 years old - a lot of whining, not willing to independently play, never willing to sit down and chill everything’s a one minute wonder, wakes around 4:30-5am and it’s non stop, doesn’t listen to a single word I say, and bedtimes take around an hour of me laying on the floor waiting for her to fall asleep whilst LO is throwing herself around. Sometimes I just feel at the end of my tether and I’ll be really firm and say things like stop whining that’s enough, or I’m leaving as you’re clearly not sleeping. It makes me feel so harsh - by all means I don’t shout or overstep but sometimes I think life’s too short to feel annoyed by these things especially when I love my LO so much and want her to feel that love rather than mummy is always miserable. Seeing instagram videos of mums saying how they have never made their child feel like an inconvenience and how much damage we’re all causing our children doesn’t help - I likely do make mine feel like an inconvenience at 4:30am when im refusing to get the painting out as it’s too early.
I am going on a girls holiday this weekend for 6 nights - it was booked a couple of years ago as a means to cheer me up, was meant to go last year but pushed it back to this year as I didn’t feel comfortable leaving LO and now it’s nearly here I feel sick at the thought of going away. I just feel I’m leaving my LO with the thoughts of me being a parent who is always on her case.
does anyone else struggle with mum guilt? I am aware I’m likely taking this to an extreme as I am overly harsh on myself in general.