Toddler struggling since new baby arrived and I feel out of step

[Katya303]

Hey everyone, first time posting here but I could really use some perspective.
My daughter just turned 2, and her baby brother arrived about 3 months ago. Ever since then she's been... a lot. Clingier one minute, then suddenly pushing me away and having meltdowns over tiny things — the wrong cup, socks feeling "wrong," you name it. She used to play independently for 20-30 minutes and now she wants me right there every second, but the second I sit down with her she gets frustrated and walks off.
I know some of this is just toddler stuff + a new sibling, but I feel like I'm not reading her right anymore. I try to give her focused one-on-one time when the baby naps, but it doesn't seem to be landing the way I hoped.
Has anyone been through this? What actually helped — routines, specific activities, ways of talking about the baby? I don't need a magic fix, just want to feel like I'm doing right by her while I'm also drowning in newborn sleep deprivation. 😅

Where is their father in all this?

The meltdowns over wrong socks/ cup/ way to cut sandwiches is such stereotypical toddler behaviour I don't think you should attribute it to your new baby.I suspect you've just hit a new emotional developmental milestone. It's been a while to go back to with mine but the only thing that probably helped was language and just letting them sit with their new big feelings for a while in a cuddle.

I have a similar age gap - 25 months between my older girl and younger boy. We're nearly 2 years down the line :)

When my baby boy first arrived, we had maybe 2 really easy weeks where my daughter was fine with the change, then we had 2 really hard weeks, I think perhaps as the reality set in. After that we seemed to be ok, but it definitely did change my relationship with my daughter for awhile. Plus I remember the mum guilt being AWFUL at the beginning.

2 is a really tricky age, without adding a new baby into the mix. Loads of really big feelings about.

Things that helped us...

• In the very early months, I took my daughter out for little trips just us. They were all carefully planned around babies naps, but I tried not to phrase it as 'hes asleep so now we can play' and I think the key thing was that he physically wasn't near us - my partner would take him for a long walk whilst he napped as hed more reliably sleep walking about, and I took my daughter out for a hot chocolate or for a swim. I EBF and it was still manangeable in the early months, and I think that helped

• Get your daughter involved - I would speak a lot that taking care of a baby is hard and we needed to work as part of a team and she was really important to the team, and she'd pass me nappies or do little jobs to help. She enjoys being invovled in things anyway and this got her invovled with baby

• Make sure there is a balance. Sounds stupid, but try to ask baby to wait/share etc as much as you tell your toddler to. So I would verbalise out loud in front of my daughter "You need to wait [baby brother] because I need to help [older sister] first". Basically try to make it "fair" on your daughter so she see's even baby needs to wait etc

• Allow your daughter to express negative feelings. This was a big one for us. My daughter was/is really advanced for language, so I'd talk to her and say its ok to find it hard, its ok to feel jealous etc. Normalise her being able to express negative feelings and be acknowleged and reassured its ok to find baby too loud or to want to spend time without the baby. I'd use conversation starters and ask how whats good / bad about having a baby brother. I'd even verbalise that I missed her and wanted to spend some time with her and ask her what she'd like to do just us.

• Try to maintain her routines as much as possible. I spent many months sitting in her bed doijng bedtime story whilst feeding my son and having to ninja climb my way out with a sleeping infant around a sleeping toddler 😆it was madness but she needed that connection (eventually she decided baby brother was getting too big, and my wife took over bedtimes, hurray!)

• Read lots of books about feelings around this age, and use them as conversation starters (when did you feel happy today? When did you feel sad today?)

• Accept that there will be a shift in parental preferences, and encourage it when you can. I'd always been the preferred parent, but my daughter did learn fairly quickly that my wife was now more available, so their bond got better. It definitely helped my daughter that my wife really stepped up another notch to do lots of 'special' activities with toddler.

It will get better - we had difficult few weeks ever time baby learnt a new mobility skill (crawling, walking) where he could annoy his sister more and she had to learn e.g. to do a jigsaw on the table not the floor so he didn't take pieces etc.

From around 16 months they properly started to play together, and now at nearly 2 and 4 we have our issues with sharing things, but they generally are thick as thieves. Watching their relattionship grow is really lovely. We still maintain her having little trips with a parent without him, though they aren't as often.

Before having 2, an old work colleagues of my wife did a pattern where when she went back to work she worked 3 days, and had 1 day off a week with each child (whilst the other was in nursery). We don't do that, but I think if you can afford that, its probably a lovely thing to do to get to spend a day a week every week just focussed on one of them at a time.

What does that have to do with anything?

can you get her involved in helping
with the baby so that she is part of it all ? aslo when my little preschooler is upset i relax into it and hold her psychologically and physically - i feel
that helps her more than me trying /stopping letting it happen

I agree that this sounds like typical terrible -twos behaviour.

Try giving (limited)choices when you can eg do you want the red socks or the blue today? Apple or grapes for pudding? etc

Try giving opportunities to 'help' you - can you put X away, can you fetch Y from your room, and perhaps link to the baby - can you fetch a blanket for baby etc

If you can find time for 1-2-1 interaction, that's great.

Nothing useful to add, op, just wanted to send a little solidarity- it's a tough time!

Thank you all for your messages, They are really useful!