Please.. any advice welcome

[cazza7777]

Need some advice.. myself and my daughters dad split when she was 1 he moved back in with his parents in a two bed flat,he's still there to this day.
He's always shared a bed with my daughter who is now 8,she has no bedroom just her and her dads room.

He goes on every school trip with her if she does anything wrong he blames someone else. If she has an agrument with a friend at school he instantly dislike them and my daughter could never do any wrong.. to me kids fall out all the time within 5 mins there best mates again,its part of growing up.

If she goes to parties with him she just stays with him,if its a play gym she wont go in without him.. with me shes off playing i don't see her unless its for a drink.. parents have commented how shes a different kid with me.
Her dad hates school has done all courses for her to be home schooled..i don't want this she has great friends and above where she should be.
Tells her he won't get a girl friend as shes his priority. I have an amazing partner who adores her.. she also adores him. She calls him her bestie.
But if her dad is around she wont go near my partner and just stands with her dad.

Hes just had her hair cut so i cant get it into a ponytail for school claiming her hair was damaged. She has only just had a trim and its the most besutiful hair.

Is this all normal..i stuggle with her not having her own room and bed at dads but thats just my opinon..

Thank you for reading.. was just looking for other peoples opinons xx

This doesn't sound normal to me. She's also getting to an age where the sleeping arrangements need to be examined and changed. They both need privacy.

The rest doesn't sound normal to me either but my comments would differ depending on the cause of why your daughter is so clingy to him. Is she insecure about herself when she's with him, does she feel she needs to stay near her Dad for some reason relating to him?

She needs her own bed and privacy asap. Both my DDs started their periods aged 9 as did half the girls in their class. You need to discuss this with him AND his parents since it's their house and will need to rearrange their furniture and living arrangements. He could always sleep on the sofa when she goes there.

Quite honestly though it sounds as though he's emotionally abusing her if she won't go off with friends and stays rigidly by his side. Is she afraid of him shouting at her or punishing her? You could try asking her why she doesn't go off and play, or ask her if she still likes going to her dads, but I get that can be tricky. Maybe start with her needing privacy now she is entering puberty and tell him it's becoming a safeguarding concern if he refuses. Is there someone at school, a safeguarding lead, who can advise you?

@thereisnomeaning i have asked her if she wsnts her oen room at her dads house,she ssys no she will sleep with him forever.
She adores him. If her dad says jump she says how high. He lets her do anything. At drop off he gets on his knees and says i will miss you and its ex amount of sleeps till Daddy next sees you...i have tried talking to him but he sees no wrong in it. There is no law to stop him sharing a bed with her i honestley don't know whay to do..

I think you need to speak to school counselors/child services (I am not in uk) and let them know that this enmeshment is borderline appropriate and you are worried it’s problematic for your DD’s social development.

@Springtimeinsunshine his parents see no wrong in them sharing a bed.
He would never punish her.she can do what she likes.. luckily shes an amazing kid never had a tantrum and just a beautiful soul. When we had to download school apps he went in and questioned who would have data of the children etc..he tried not sending her to school wanted to home school her,still does.
Its like he wants her all for him self..
He rings school,emails to make sure he goes on every school trip.. the school had planned a trip to a climbing adventure..he took her the weekend before to make sure she liked it.. he has no one in his life but her. Its like hes obsessed. I can't talk to him about anything because he's always right.

Have you heard of emotional incest? He's manipulating her emotions in some way is my guess. Of course there's something wrong with him sharing a bed with her. Your child won't see it because it's her normal. He shouldn't be getting down on his knees declaring how much he'll miss her. That's emotional manipulation. It would be much healthier to tell her to have a great time at her Mum's and he'll look forward to seeing her again on x day. Does she feel responsible for her father's feelings?

I'd suggest taking your daughter to counselling because this kind of emotional damage could really affect her later. I do wonder what he's saying to her.

This actually sounds potentially dangerous to me OP.

I'm not at all against home schooling but it shouldn't be done with a view to isolating the child. Quite the opposite action needs to be worked at in home schooling.

His possessiveness and wanting her all to himself would really worry me.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about the co-sleeping now she's approaching puberty and to make it very clear that you won't agree to homeschooling. I'd be prepared to involve solicitors and social services if necessary. You need to safeguard your daughter.

@thereisnomeaning thank you for your comment.. i hadn't heard of that thannk you i have just been reading about it..i can see some of the signs.
I will be talking to school about this also.
My daughter had a little concert at school and once finished the teacher said they could have a photo with parents.. my daughter stood up and looked so sad.. she didn't know which adult to go to..
She then went to her dad who was stood wirh his parents.
After i asked why she looked uncomfatable,she said she didn't know who to run to..i told her you can go to whoever and if you go to Daddy first thats ok i would never mind.. but don't be worried about anything.
He is a good dad but i think he's obsessed with her. I took her to lapland ans Disneyland..he said it was unfair as he wanted to take her. I said why can't she go with you also. He promises her things..a cat,lapland,disney but never does it. But shes always ok with it bless her.

Is she really okay with it? She will notice.

@thereisnomeaning she will say we are going next year or when daddy retires we will get a cat..its like he can't do no wrong