Three year old refusing bedtime and throwing toys, feeling at breaking point

[Biscuitfrog]

I am really struggling with my three year olds behaviour and feeling incredibly overwhelmed.

She is in the ‘no’ stage and will just look us in the eye if we ask her to do something and tell us no. The biggest struggle we’re having is with bedtime. She has recently got a ‘big girl bed’ and has a gate on her bedroom door so she can’t come out. She has taken to chucking toys out of her room and down the stairs but doesn’t seem phased at all when we remove the toys and leave her in an empty room. I’ve tried (and felt horrendously guilty for!) shouting, we’ve tried giving no reaction at all but a firm ‘no’ and we are consistent with consequences every single time. She is now playing with plug sockets, unscrewing lamps, taking her nappy off and weeing on the carpet and screaming and hitting the walls.

We are moving to a new house next week and have nowhere to store her toys except her new bedroom. I’m dreading it. I know she’ll be up for hours flinging things around and breaking things.

At breaking point and no idea what to try next.

I wouldn’t lock her in her room, remove the gate. My parents locked me in my room because I kept coming out when I was supposed to sleep, and I still remember my distress, it’s my earliest childhood memory. Don’t do this to your DD.

Could it be that she’s not tired enough to fall asleep at bedtime. 10-13 hours of sleep is normal for three year olds.e normal range for a three year old.

There’s a technique called fading which often works which is that you put her to sleep 15-30 minutes after the time she’s falling asleep now so she’s properly tired for bedtime and so should fall asleep quickly without a battle. Then gradually every couple of night bring bedtime forwards by 15 minutes and eventually you’ll hit a time when she starts fighting sleep again and then you’ll know the time before is what her natural bedtime should be. It helps by breaking the cycle of fighting bedtime, and also means that if she’s awake for longer in the evening it’s nicer time than battling sleep with her all that time.

Move bedtime 30 mins later and stay in the room with her.
Mine liked some music on to help them sleep.
I personally would get rid of the stair gate, I think that’s quite cruel and she’ll work out how to open it soon anyway (both mine could by 3), or worse try and climb over it and hurt herself.
Is she potty trained? Can you have a potty in her room overnight if she’s taking her nappy off?

My DS did similar once he learnt how to escape his cot. It ended up with one of us remaining with him til he's asleep, it used to take 2+ hours and we are now down to 30-40 minutes most the time.
We have a very strict routine and do the same thing every night and we have a window of about 45 minutes where it'll either go well or be a disaster as he goes past tired and won't lie down.
Change the time outs to time ins, what kind of things is she doing that triggers a time out?

She’s maybe not tired, try pushing bedtime back by half an hour, remove the gate, never use her bedroom for time outs and stay with her until she settles. She’s still really little and has just been moved to a bed, she’ll be picking up you packing etc to move as well, everything will be unsettling for her at the moment.

I agree. If the bedtime is to allow you to have an evening and she's happy playing up there for an hour, you could try and go with it with toys she likes, perhaps an audio book on in the background? Or as she has a nice late-ish wake time, you could try waking her up a little earlier in the hope she was more tired at 8pm. Bit risky to meddle with that in my opinion though- many parents would kill for that start to the day!

I'd try consequences or rewards. If she stays in bed a reward (sticker chart working towards a toy?) or a consequence for the toy throwing/weeing etc like not being allowed something the following day as a result.

When my DS turned 3 he started needing consequences or he'd just ignore what we said. Saying no on it's own did nothing.

I'd also try a later bedtime and staying until she goes to sleep. My son is almost 4 and I stay with him until he's asleep, usually takes 10-20 mins but it's a calm time.

I think this hits the nail on the head, thank you. We did push bedtime back by 30 mins last night and I stayed in the room with her - she was full of energy and didn’t sleep until 21:15 despite a full day outside playing and running! But she stayed in the bed with me in the room. We have also just switched from bedroom time outs to a 3 mins naughty step. Only one night in but a positive one!

Excellent news 🥰. All of my children went through the same as toddlers, it was a very short lived phase after moving to their ‘big’ beds.

We currently do bath, story and bed with our 3YO and then one of us stays with him until he falls asleep. It’s not a massive inconvenience at the minute plus I love our little chats before bed. Since having baby number 2 I feel like I appreciate the one on one time with him.