Don’t know what to do: aggressive 19yr old.

[MrsCrosbyNRTB]

Apologies as this will be long, I’ve tried really hard to include everything in this post and no drip feed. My brain feels like mush. Also, please please be gentle. I already feel like a total failure as a mum and in general.

I have 4 children. The oldest is nearly 20. Looking back, we’ve had problems with him since about Yr3, really. Low grade poor behaviour at school, low attainment despite being bright. Never did any school work but managed to pass all his GCSEs. We supported him with tutoring which he barely engaged in but we really wanted to get him through GCSEs at least. Never in serious trouble at school but just constant low grade refusal to get on with school life. He does not have any SEND etc. No one has ever flagged any concerns for ADHD / ASD etc,

He didn’t want to stay in the 6th form - he had the grades but wanted to get out of the formal school environment and so went to college. Again: same patterns. Tutors very supportive and at wit’s end. Lots of support offered both by us and by college - he’s always refused anything.

He’s not sure what he wants to do long term so he’s working for now while he figures it out. Constant litany of complaints from him about how he could manage the work place better than his manager, how most people are lazy, how people moan about him. I’m not sure how long he’ll last.

He has stolen some expensive and hugely sentimental items from us and sold them. Concerningly, he is also smoking weed. He is becoming more aggressive. He has some awful views that are so different from ours and the way he was raised.

A few days ago our youngest said he wanted his toes painted. He’s 9 and has global developmental delay although he’s in a mainstream school (for now). The eldest started yelling that this was not appropriate and that we’re “peddling a woke agenda” by “encouraging” him to do things like that and that we’ll “turn him gay” (WTF).

When he was told to pack it in and to keep this opinion to himself he became aggressive and threw a plant, hard, across the room towards me. It has hit me and cut me. He then grabbed me by the arm, which has since bruised, and screamed that I was a terrible parent and a terrible person. There has so far, been no remorse.

DH wanted to call the police. This is not the first time he’s been aggressive. I wish now that I had but at the time part of my brain kept thinking that at 19 he would be charged and that could have a massive impact on him going forward. He would certainly lose his job as it requires an enhanced DBS. Now in the cold light of day of course I know I should have.

It breaks my heart to think this once beautiful, adorable child of mine seems to be turning into yet another fucking violent man. He’s 6’2” as well which just adds to it.

We have tried so hard to be good parents: we’ve supported them, I’ve worked PT so that assemblies, plays, parents evenings, sports events etc etc would always have one of us there. We have a lovely extended family who’ve always been supportive. Maybe we’ve been there too much? I don’t know.

The weed is a massive issue: he has been told repeatedly that he cannot use the stuff while he lives under our roof and yet he persists. I am certain that when he’s using it it fuels his aggression. We have tried signposting him to various organisations / the GP but he refuses.

We cannot have him living here any longer: he’s an adult and we have 3 younger children incl the one with significant SEND. I will not have them exposed to this.

What the fuck to I do? Has anyone else been in this situation? What do we do practically / emotionally? I am not easily scared but I’m getting that way. I think the weed is completely affecting his ability to think rationally.

DH told him yesterday that he needs to leave and he just replied that he’d get a job on the streets as a drug dealer.

Most people who know him would be shocked to hear any of this. He comes across as such a lovely person. I honestly don’t know where this comes from - I definitely think that the weed has a lot to do with it but he constantly says it’s legal in so many places and that he needs it to relax. He spouts quasi-science stuff about its benefits that he reads on line and tries to gaslight me into believing all this. I’m a bloody scientist. It’s all rubbish that he’s reading.

For what it’s worth, there’s no history of significant MH disorders in our families, nor neurodiversity. I am of course aware that this doesn’t rule it out.

I am so bloody sad, tired and depressed. As is DH. This is not how we expected him to turn out. I actually hate my life right now and can’t speak to anyone IRL. Most of my friends seem to have these easy children who sail through school, no endless having to be spoken to by the HoY, not stealing stuff etc. My sister’s 3 are doing great, two at uni, one just finished and living with her boyfriend. So functional. I know I shouldn’t compare but I do. Please note that we have never tried to compare her 3 TO him, if that makes sense.

The way I feel right now is that if I didn’t have the other 3 I’d just want to go to sleep and not wake up (I’m not going to act on this).

Please please mumsnetters. What do we do? Please don’t come at me. I’m at my lowest possible ebb, If any of you have been in similar positions and it’s turned out ok in the end please also share. I need some light in the darkness.

Sorry again for the length of this, I have used paragraphs, though (that’s the most positive thing I’ve thought in days).

Thank you

This is a form of DV. You can still involve the police. Your description does sound as if he might have ADHD. Would he have an assessment?
Certainly if he should behave in a similar way again, ring he police immediately.

Put your younger children first and kick him out. He will have to find his own way.

Kindly OP, your son needs a kick up the arse and for this behaviour to be knocked on the head. Give him a serious wake up call - he has to leave - if you're feeling particularly generous take him down to your local housing dept for advice. At 19 he may be able to access some sort of supported accommodation (think YMCA or whatever you have locally) where violence and drug use will not be tolerated. I would still report the assault to police - if you don't, how if he going to learn, and god help any future girlfriend. Be cruel to be kind - it's not too late for him - a short sharp taste of the real world sounds like what he needs

You said one of your other children had GDD. What SEN do you suspect is underlying it? Is it possible the 19 year old has some similarities with your other DC?

You said he started being difficult in Y3. Schools can 100% not be relied upon to pick up SEN. With my now adult DC, we had to fund ed psych reports etc to find out the cause of issues.

But yes, you do have to definitely put him out. Hopefully it'll be a wakeup call for him.

My DC went through a nightmare stage. Still isn't easy now, as an adult, but lives independently and is self sufficient.

@ClawsandEffect the youngest with GDD was premature with an element of hypoxia at birth.

Thank you for the replies so far: really appreciate them. Re ADHD - it’s possible I suppose. I just don’t know. I did actually wonder this about a year ago and discussed it with him. Predictably he was resistant to this idea. I offered to go with him to the GP and ask about a RTC referral but he refused. It’s so hard with a “child” who’s basically an adult, you cannot force them to do this sort of thing.

I love him so much but this situation is untenable. I have been looking on the council website about housing options.

No way
He needs a fright so the poloce can give him.a sharp reality that throwing a plant at a wall and assulting you as well as the fear is not ok.
He can pack his bags and go be angy at the world.
Before he hurts someone again
He is not your problem nor are you less worthy as a good parent.
Angry nasty little shit needs a reality check.
Get harsh and boot him out.
Weed smokers and the moods.

ADHD or not, the facts are the same - this behaviour from an adult is unacceptable. Neuro diversity is no excuse and a diagnosis will not get him a free pass in life. In all likelihood he will grow up OP and feel ashamed of his behaviour one day. But keeping him at home and not allowing him to take personal responsibility for his actions will cause many more problems in the long run

Literally agree 10000% about any possible (and I still think unlikely) ADHD being an excuse.

He may be my child but I refuse to minimise / allow this behaviour, Especially in the context of younger siblings, DH will have my back but it’s always been me who tends to lead on the child-related stuff as I’ve been the primary care giver while he’s the main bread winner.

I still cannot believe what’s happening. It’s just devastating. But it won’t be tolerated. Thank you for helping me to think more clearly. We will support him as best we can IF
agrees to sort himself out and get proper, expert support,

CAPA first response are a charity helping families with aggression from children inc teens.

The best thing you can do now as a parent is to let him face the consequences of his behaviour. He needs boundaries, as you already tried support. Understanding will only take you so far I'm afraid.

I’ve got DSs and I would have called the police at the time. DS1 squared up to me when he was 14/15 and we dealt with it firmly at the time with warnings about what would happen if he ever did it again. He never did.

You have younger DC in a house with a violent drug user. He needs to go. I won’t have any form of drugs so it’s a line I will not have crossed in this house. I worked abroad for a year at 18. My parents both left home at 16/17 so I don’t have the view that you should try to keep him at home at all costs. Not a chance. He’s a violent adult and he would have faced the police and left my house if he was mine.

Capa First Response | Together for safer families - Capa First Response https://share.google/ebXQ4Ewcrbk1WsVM8 please contact these people ASAP for advice.

Unfortunately this is true. Many parents don't realise they have to be advocates for their child. Schools don't spot these things. It's not in their interests to. It's almost always left to parents.

I'd be putting it down to the drugtaking. Have seen too many guys wreck their lives because of drugs and the associated depression and have witnessed violence too. Weed isn't what it was in the 70s.

Having seen some other similar boys, it's the weed. I think you're right to be very hard on this. You may never convince him that it's a problem but I would do all you can to get him off it.

Marijuana and ADHD: Self-Medication with Cannabis is Common https://share.google/AFMG51QlX2jvhLri4 this is quite useful. It's a shame he refused the right to choose assessment you tried to set up. What you describe sounds like self-medicating.

Your post has really touched me as I can see this behaviour developing in my 15 yr old. I have managed to get him psychiatric help but this was possible because he has expressed that he wants it. Can one of your extended family have a quiet talk with your son and maybe suggest trying to get a diagnosis and maybe medication ( instead of self medicating with weed)?

All this talk about SEN is clouding the issue here. Regardless of the root cause you are living with a violent drug addict who is stealing from you to fund his habit. I suspect he is taking much more than just weed.
He also appears to be picking up some very extreme views from somewhere. I bet his social circle is a choice group of individuals! He is exposing the younger siblings to his violence and addictions. They are vulnerable to his influences, so this is a safeguarding issue. I agree with other posters that he needs to live elsewhere. You need to protect your other children. The police and social services need to be informed of the domestic violence and safeguarding issues so they can help you.

OP, it sounds like a combination of view points that don't match yours acquired from the nastier corners of the internet, anger management issues, a sense of entitlement and frustration with some possible impulsive issues but you need to prioritise everyone's safety so the anger us definitely what needs the focus now. Does he have friends?

Is it possible to explain to him calmly that he can't live at home if he is violent and as you think the weed is contributing to this, you won't have him in the house if he is using it? I would tell him that what he is doing is domestic violence and I might speak to Women's Aid as this is probably something they see a lot.

At 19 they can still be very immature in many ways and his assertion that he will just become a drug dealer on the streets is testament to him still being in the throes of adolescence.

The internet gleaned horrible views about the world are harder to fix but I think that might be what has changed. I think you can only calmly continue to reiterate your view point but accept you might not change his. He sounds like the ideal candidate for indoctrination by the manosphere/far right sadly.

If he was 25 I would be less optimistic but I think he has definitely got the potential to turn this around. He might have the unfortunate combination of being intelligent enough without the impulse control to stick to things to succeed and find authority difficult to accept. I would put a tenner on ADHD which doesn't excuse his anger but might explain the lack of forethought when throwing plant pots at his mother. Is the lack of remorse new?

Also I don't think this is your fault in any way shape or form and it isn't helpful to second guess what you could have done to prevent this. You have done a great job but this one needs something different to your friend's children and if you can possibly view the situation like that you might hang onto some love for him despite actively not liking who he is being, and that will be the best thing you can do for him.

You can still love someone and ring the Police though. He might not thank you but someone else he could hurt will. Are you and DH in the same page? I think that will be vital in maintaining your sanity.

He needs a shock - pack his bags and off he fucks until he can behave.

Is he a gym goer OP? Any chance he's taking steroids? I can't remember it's name, begins with a A but it's the main one that a lot start on and causes a lot of aggressive outbursts.

The fact he lacks remorse would be more troubling for me, that's not just a moment of outburst (still disgusting behaviour) but to not want to acknowledge that, I would still report this to the police. They need to talk to him, explain you won't press charges this time (given the state of things in the country I'd highly doubt CPS would charge without your statement).
He will get a girl/boyfriend soon and what kind of thing do you think he might do?
You need to be cruel to be kind here, or he could go down a slippery path.

for all sorts of info on drugs

talktofrank.com/

It sounds like the weed is warping his personality and making him angry. I suspect he’s also reading lots of red pill stuff/ Andrew Tate/ manosphere stuff online. He sounds very misogynistic.

I would be giving him a last chance with written rules and then I would be kicking him out and changing the locks and say you can only support him from afar eg phone calls or meet at a cafe. He can no longer come in your house

Personally I would be forcing him to leave - It sounds like he needs to grow up and mature. Some boys need to do that through force though, rather than through love/nurture.

However, by forcing him to leave, I wouldn't be just throwing him out - I'd (or the dad...) go to him and sit down and say that he is an adult and needs to make his own way in the world, but you are going to help him.

Frame it as working together - help him find a house share, figure out what he can afford based on his income from his job, or whether he can increase his hours, etc. Support him through the process of viewing rooms/dealing with agents etc.

Be firm that this is happening, he is leaving, and he is an adult and has to deal with his life now...

But you are still family, you can still support him, help him, and make sure that him moving out isn't an end to your relationship. In fact, frame it as a positive - and when he does get his own place, celebrate it etc.

You sound like an amazing parent and you have done so much for him. I don’t entirely blame the weed, but what he’s probably consuming online and he’s been a bit brain washed. He needs to face the consequences of his actions now that he has attacked you and that consequence is being told to leave. If you are paying his phone bills etc then stop. He is not a child now and the other children need you, so I would be informing police and SS if need be, but mainly I wouldn’t want him influencing the others.