Lonely teen

[Happymumto3]

Hi all, looking a bit of advice ..I have a teenage daughter (13), shes generally quiet but does have 2 close friends at school (they have a wee trio friend group) who she hangs around with everyday at school...unfortunately when it comes to summer holidays shes left at a loss with no one go out with during these weeks.She also does take part in activities outside of school and has friends in these but they are all now finished for the summer and although she has these 2 close friends in school and friends in her after school activities no one ever texts to ask her to hang out. I know im her mum so I'll be biased but shes friendly and as I said quiet but not to the point where she would go into herself and be very shy.
When I speak to her about it she says all her friends have their own besties and so hang out with them..she'll show me pics they've posted in social media. My daughter and I are close and have a good relationship and she has younger siblings..as a family we do a lot together when my husband and myself are not working. We do stuff most weekends too walking, cinema etc.. I just feel bad for her as she's a lovely girl and seems to be left out of friend things over summer holidays any advice appreciated x

Any Guides/ Rangers groups or similar that she could join? Are there any volunteering opportunities for teens in your area over Summer? Sessions at the library / museum. Any drama groups? May be too late for this Summer but sometimes there are Summer workshops.
Social media will only be showing edited highlights and not the fall outs or teenage angst.

If she likes swimming, she can do an intensive life guard training course over the summer. She'll meet lots of other teenagers and then have a weekend/summer job available. Similarly she could do the basic gymnastics coaching course. Volunteering or signing up for Duke of Edinburgh award is another one to get her out of the house.

Thank you...I never thought if some of those ideas..I'll look into them with herx

Does she ever try to initiate any meet ups with her friends herself? Or is she just waiting for someone to text her to invite her out?

I think there are lot of teens going through this. Social media presents a different picture and increases the feelings of isolation. My DD went through this at the same age and I worried constantly. Now a young adult, found her tribe at college and thriving. Try not to worry, you have a good relationship with her and positive family times, she'll be fine.

Yes thats part of the problem..shes always the one to initiate the meet ups( and im always doing the driving to and from any meet ups) which im happy to do if shes out with her friends...it just seems like no one wnats to bother. She's a happy girl and likes to do lots of things just seems that others don't feel the same ir don't want to evan try and bother with her 💁‍♀️

Thank you changingforthisone66..its does help me to hear this, as her mum I can see she feels left out and just needs to find her tribe as you say x

What are her two friends doing over the summer? Do they have other friends or might they welcome a meet up if you and your dd do the leg work? I've found a marked increase in how much dc want to hang out if they aren't relying on their own dp for a lift and paying for an activity, and the price of a few kids into the swimming pool or bowling is worth it imo.

Otherwise activities are great - would she do youth theatre or something like that? My dd has never come out of a theatre club without several "lifelong friends" (which usually last until the end of the summer).

If finances allow get her in at a summer club? Join the local gym if they allow teens. See if there’s any youth clubs in the area. Get her volunteering.

Are there teen summer camps near you ? That would give her activities and ways to make new friends.

It’s social media making out they are all out together all the time - they aren’t.

Unoess they couple around on bikes like we did as teens (let’s be honest, they don’t these days), there isn’t a lot for them to do. Everything is so much expensive. The boys (my experience) tend it instead meet up and game online together that age if not at same sports clubs.

Not at 13, national pool lifeguard qualification is 16+…. A rookie course exists although is rarer to find - I agree that would be a great activity, (although wouldn’t lead to a job at 13).

My DD is 12 and has friends at school but doesn’t go out with them much. There kind of aren’t a lot of options at that age I feel? She texts with them though.

My DD has a younger sibling and seems to be perfectly happy hanging out with family on the weekends and during school holidays, but will go out if someone invites her.

Is the problem that your DD is seeing her friends doing things without her? Or do you just feel she should be out with friends? Just curious as it seems to me that’s it normal for children at these ages to still be home a lot.

Oh lord .... it's awful.
I have 3 now adult DDs and they all went through this stuff at this age .... so hard to watch I know.
All you can do is be by her side find lots for her to do and not initiate discussion about it.
It will pass I promise you. She will find her tribe.
Stay strong ... sometimes I think it's worse for mum!

I don't remember seeing my school friends over the holidays really but this was so long ago that I didn't know what they were up to as we had no personal phones or social media. Also when I had kids I became aware of how nearly all organised activities actually ceased between July and September which was a real pain. I think she needs to organise something and invite people really.

I think its a bit of both@ happypalaces..I think they should be inviting her out when shes is usually the one iniating any meet ups but at the same times who am I to dictate what they should and shouldn't be inviting her to do...she'll see others from school she knows out with their friends and I know she feels gutted shes not been invited out anywhere...and she does do alot with us in general. I'm just annoyed for her that these friends who I have taken to various places with my daughter can just drop her like that when it suits.It was the same last year..we done all the organising and car trips..in-between me working and looking after my younger kids. It's draining 😪

My boys go to a school that children come from all over the county to attend so they have relatively few ‘local’ school friends. At 13 my eldest (who is quiet but fairly confident in himself) had a lovely group of school friends but seeing his sports clubs friends every evening after school for various training was enough for him. We did meet up with a few of his friends at the beach fairly regularly through the long summer hols, and also did the same with sports club friends as well. That was enough socialising for him. He still doesn’t really enjoy just hanging out with friends - he’s more of a doer and likes to be busy so he will go to the beach with friends but likes to be surfing or rockpooling or playing beach rugby rather than just hanging around (luckily his friends are similar). He is also quite happy with his own company (as am I a lot of the time), so it’s worth asking your daughter if she is actually bothered by not seeing friends so much in the holidays?

My youngest is really gregarious and loves just loafing around playing football and rugby in the park with his friends or down the beach all day playing in the sea or walking up to various friends houses. Handily he is a delight with other parents and kids so always a popular guest (he is the only extrovert in our family of introverts!). I do also take the boys out to places and ask if they would like to invite a friend along so maybe that’s something your daughter could do, just bring a friend on your next family outing? It’s a
bit less pressure and while some kids I’m sure wouldn’t be seen dead with their parents in front of their friends, we have always socialised at sports clubs where parents and children are all involved at various levels so it’s the norm for our children.

I remember this stage when I was a teen. I hated when my mum kept asking me about meeting up with friends because I felt embarrassed that people didn't want to hang out with me. I ended up with lots of friends when I left school though so she didn't need to worry. Teens can be complicated. I would just let her spend the time how she wants to and not get too involved in it. If she expresses being upset or lonely then you could take more action.

I have the same situation with my daughter, it’s not nice to watch, don’t have all the answers as still going through it ourselves but I’ve always tried to find a summer workshop attached to her activities, for her it’s musical theatre and I space out my holidays to try and do some fun stuff too. I also have a bit of an open house policy so she knows if any of her friends get in touch they have somewhere to hang out if she can arrange it, but no pressure. If it helps, her brother has a much more solid friend group of about 10 kids (mostly girls so not a gender thing) but they don’t go out much either, they can go weeks without arranging anything but they play games online late into the night, and then save up for one or two days out. I think teens can’t be bothered to just go out for the sake of it these days, they rather the home comforts unless it’s for a particular activity.

Does she ask to make plans with her friends? Of she doesn't the maybe they assume she's busy?

Oh lord .... it's awful.
I have 3 now adult DDs and they all went through this stuff at this age .... so hard to watch I know.
All you can do is be by her side find lots for her to do and not initiate discussion about it.
It will pass I promise you. She will find her tribe.
Stay strong ... sometimes I think it's worse for mum!