Youngest in the year - what would you do / have you done?

[Izzasaurus]

My DD is the only child in the family on both my DH's side and mine, and I don't have any close friends with children, so I feel a bit short on sources of advice and would be really grateful for anyone's thoughts!

DD will be 3 this August. She's an end-of-August kid so will be the youngest in her school year unless I hold her back.

I know I still have a bit of time to decide but I would love to hear other people's advice and experiences. For context, DD has been in nursery full time since my MAT leave ended and will be moving up to the pre-school there in September, but sadly won't be able to attend the primary school associated with the pre-school, so those friendships will likely be lost except for the ones I can actively help her keep up with through parent mates.

She seems on track with things for her age. My main point of comparison are the other kids in her nursery group, all of whom are older. She seems to hold her own with them. She's chatty, socially and physically confident, very articulate (can already out-debate me if I'm not careful... although I do set quite a low bar for her in that regard...), and decent at following instructions most of the time. Not great with drawing / precise mark-making but starting to be more interested. Can recognise and do the right phonic sounds for most letters. Out of nappies for a year now. My impression is that she'll be fine starting school a year in September.

But a couple of things have given me pause. I know that achievement-wise, kids born late in the year tend to do worse. I know from my own personal experience that being very young in the year can be a bit rubbish in other ways. A couple of people have told me they definitely plan to keep their summer-born kids back so that they can have more time with them and give them more space to grow in confidence. And given that I could possibly afford to drop some hours in future, I'm wondering whether having the chance to get lots of 1:1 extra time with DD before she starts primary school might be a lovely thing for us both. I feel I've missed out on so much with her by being full time.

Then again... as I can't give up work completely, perhaps she'll end up really bored on the days when she would be left still attending pre-school... I also don't want to do her a disservice if she's ready to progress.

All views would be very welcome!

I had 3 summer born they all would have benefited from delaying by a year.

I have also been told that at any point, if I want to move my son up a year (I.e up to tje school year he ‘should’ be in) for any reason then it wouldn’t be a problem.

On the flip side I was told that if I started him just after his 4th birthday and he started to struggle at some point during the following years it would be very difficult (if not impossible) to move him down a year.

I did keep my son back a year and from Reception it was very obvious he was more advanced than a lot of the class in his maths/English abilities so during Years 1 and 2, for those lessons he joined the year above, but for all of his other lessons he remained with his main class.

Academically he was suited to the year above (where he ‘should have been’) but from the angle of his social and emotional development, he was far better suited to the year group he was in as a result of being deferred for a year.

I've actually noticed the opposite. In reception the social and emotional gap was very noticeable, but by year 5 you can't tell at all. Well actually there is a chasm between those still playing with toys, on the play equipment etc, and the 'mini teenagers' talking about skin care and tiktok etc but it doesn't seem to have split along age lines.

Yes I always noted that too. I think it’s maybe because it’s still quite unusual in England and isn’t established unlike in Scotland for example. Here it’s entirely unremarkable, it’s literally just a tick box on the online form, and that’s it. You don’t have to apply to anyone, get approval, you just tick the box and that’s it. I have a few friends and family members who are teachers and they have all deferred their Jan/Feb borns.

Exactly. It's a very common thing to happen in Scotland and although people may ask whether you are planning to defer a Jan/Feb born child there is no judgement one way or the other, and you never hear criticism that by deferring, you are "holding your child back".

Maybe England/Wales will catch up eventually.

Personal experience. Eldest born end of August, couldn't hold back at that point, was ready to go, bored at Nursery, thrived exceeded all expectations and would have done a disservice to hold back. Other child, January born, was not ready, but of course unable to defer, really struggled throughout and if I could of deferred entry to school I would have.
They are all different, you know your child better than anyone, but.....if you want to spend some time with her do it!

That’s really interesting!

My youngest son is going to be going into Year 4 this August and he has no interest in socialising with the youngest in his class. That’s not in a purposeful or nasty way, but he just seems so much more older than them in terms of how they behave, how they play, what they talk about and how they interact etc. All of his best friends are sort of Sept/Oct/Nov/Dec born children.

On the flip side my other son is in Year 8 and is one of the youngest in the year, and when I compare him to other children in his year group, I can definitely tell he’s one of the youngest in the year….. I think the difference in maturity level between thw youngest and eldest can be seen throughout all year groups (again, this is just my experience, not a blanket statement).

Thank you everyone. The array of experiences and perspectives has been so interesting. It seems there are plenty of people advising both ways. I do welcome the practical advice though: I will check on arrangements with the primary schools in the local area and make sure I keep talking to nursery staff to get their perspective. At the moment I consistently get the feedback that my DD is ready to progress (the next step being to pre-school), but a lot could change over the next year.

I agree with the poster who pointed out that if the extra year is going to be spent at nursery / pre-school, it might not be that valuable. I would only want my DD to start primary school later if I could spend a lot of that extra time with her, which would mean cutting my hours at work. The idea of her effectively repeating a year of full-time pre-school but just with younger kids around her doesn't seem so great.

The other thing impacting on my thinking is that if I do send her with her official cohort, no longer having to pay nursery / pre-school fees will free me up to cut my hours more and to afford more activities for her too. I like the idea of being there for DD at primary school pickup, getting to hang out with her and spend that extra quality time with her, and to take her to activities she wants to explore. Maybe this would actually be better for her quality of life and her development the long-run? I don't know.

And yes, I know I'm probably over-thinking, but I'm only going to have the one, and didn't really plan / expect to become a mum, so I want to make the most of it!

Ultimately OP, you know your daughter best.

It doesn’t matter what we did with our children, our anecdotal stories have no bearing on how your daughter will transition through school as a result of starting so young.

It doesn’t matter what the nursery staff think - they are no doubt experts at recognising whether a nursery-aged child’s abilities are where they should be, but this does not mean they can predict how a just-turned 4
year old will cope throughout school.

It doesn’t matter what your neighbour did with their summer born child, or what your best friend’s cousin did with their summer born child, because their child is not your child.

Read the research, balance that against how well you know your own child and make an informed decision based on the facts and what you feel is in the best interests of your daughter as her own individual self.

I was the youngest in my year, and DD is late August. Both of us top of the class and no concerns at all. If she seems ready, then go for it.

Thank you. Wise words... and applicable to most parenting decisions, I suspect!

I see that too. I deferred my child and he’ll start school just before his 6th birthday. I think it’s a brilliant thing and I’m so glad it’s more of a cultural norm in Scotland.

I can’t understand the mentality of “holding back” a 4 year old. They’re 4! The phrase sounds like you’re depriving someone of achieving, you’re pulling them down, clipping their wings. At 4 they’ve only a couple of years max under their belt of sitting on a toilet! They’re still learning to wipe their own bums properly! Mumsnet is full of threads about kids having complete meltdowns in the run up to summer and through the holidays because kids are just completely exhausted with school. I see so many threads now about school refusers from the youngest ages. Given the option of deferral, we grabbed it with both hands!

I feel for you having to weigh up costs. I hadn’t considered this and I think it does change things for you making a decision. It’s a shame that it does as it’s less of your own decision if you’re being swayed by money, and you’re right to consider that saving when she’s in school is of benefit to your family too.

In Scotland deferred children are fully funded. The reason we deferred is it means our child can spend the year from 5-6 years old enjoying free play at nursery 2-3 days a week and the rest of the week with us. Closer to him starting school we can up his nursery hours during their transition process. But this is all fully funded so we don’t pay anything and our main concern when choosing deferral was the extra time spent at home, not at nursery. Advice from Scottish people deferring their children is coming from a different cultural perspective and educational framework.

Just picking up on what you say in your first post about wanting more 1:1 time. When my daughter went to school I reduced my hours and arranged my work schedule so that I could be there to collect her from school at least 3 days a week as I thought that 1:1 time was important to pick up on any school issues, little worries etc. Glad I did this!

Both my kids are end of August and both youngest in their respective classes. Didn’t hold them back and they are both thriving (now y3 and y5)

Thanks for sharing this @campocaro . This is the idea I've been feeling most drawn to. Do you mind sharing a bit more about how it went? I told a friend at work that I hoped to do this and that I was really excited to be hanging out with my DD after school, helping her with her homework, taking her to see friends, going to the park, taking her to activities / classes... My work friend was like 'no, she'll be exhausted and won't want to do anything except watch TV'. To be fair, I'm pretty sure that's what I wanted to do at home when I was a primary school kid, so maybe she has a point (although perhaps I was constrained by limited choices given that it was me and my siblings at home with a bored neighbour who provided childcare, and with nowhere nice to hang out nearby).

We had twins born late in the year in June
so according to data in a far worse situation than a single August birth
They struggled in their younger years but caught up and surpassed as they went on
In terms of sports , which our school was heavily into, they wouldn’t have been able to play in teams in their year had they been kept back. We asked the head at the time
So We didn’t hold them back so they could be fully involved
They were in private school though so smaller classes

I’d talk to the school and see what they think

I thought it would be a really difficult decision for mine, but it ended up being a non issue.

They were definitively as ready as everybody else, would have been absolutely miserable and gutted to see all their friends go to "big school" while being kept behind with the younger ones.

I havent' seen any negative about starting as the same time as their friends and they have never been behind academically or for sports.

The only issue with their birthday was when to schedule the birthday parties 😂

Mine would absolutely have felt we were holding them back and would have felt they were being punished if not allowed to go to "big school" with the others.

Reception feels like all free play and a bit of carpet time, They learn loads but they don't feel like they are being taught or burden. If nothing else, the preschools had longer hours and was just as , if not, more strict.

It doesn't work with everybody, all children are different which is why it needs to be an individual decision.

School worked brilliantly because they were ready.

Few years down the line, no one would ever guess who was born at the beginning of the year, who at the end.

My son is end of July. He was sooooo ready for school! No way I would have held him back.
There were several July/August kids in his class actually. All of them succeeded and are now at uni or working. Only one was a bit immature until about Y6, but that could just as much be him as his age (there were immature older kids too).

My DD is one of the youngest in her year but you wouldn’t know, when her reception teacher went to visit her at nursery she thought she was one of the oldest but she was actually still 3! She’s heading into juniors now and has been absolutely fine.

She is right up there both educationally and socially, I never thought about putting her back a year just because of when her birthday is.

Of course. But I know at the moment 5 different parents who have decided not to defer their children who desperately need it. It’s a disaster waiting to happen. They don’t want to “hold them back” and have hyped their children up about talks of going to big school. Even in Scotland this idea of holding them back or “they’ll be so bored if they don’t go to school” still perpetuates. Some of these children aren’t fully toilet trained, have delayed speech, and still behave like toddlers. But off they trot to school regardless.

I know far more who are deferring however and haven’t heard a single family regret deferring.

I think the system that stops schools from holding back children when they are not ready for the next year doesn't help. There's no shame in repeating year 1 or, whatever year, and it works very well in many countries. When it's not possible, if they start on the wrong foot, it's a never-ending race to try to catch up.

It's also true some children will be bored, the same as many Year 6 ARE bored in primary school and more than enough ready to start secondary.

I have a tiny August born. She started school at 4 and a few weeks only 94cm in a 2-3 year old uniform. She is coming to the end of year 1 and it has absolutely been the right decision to send her to school.

We did pick the school that we felt would be best to support her as a rounded person. Academically she has been completely ready and we have no concerns there. Socially and emotionally she occasionally needs a bit of extra support but the school has been able to give her this.
One of her best friends is a boy who was deferred and is more than a year older than her and she doesn't even come up to his shoulder.

I have been very surprised that deferring has become a thing. I was born at the end of July and to say I always held my own would be an understatement. Same for my daughter who was born end of June.