Can someone please please please tell me how they expect you to work when you have a baby that doesn’t sleep!!!

[Biosblbay]

I am loosing my mind. My 11 month old (turns 1 nest week) is waking up every 2-3 hours. She already had me up at 1am, ended up bringing her in bed with me, it was just a hour of fidgeting so I put her back in her room at 2am, she is now awake again at 3:30am crying and will not stop. I’ve been down to give her a dummy and it didn’t help. This has been on going now for days. On top of that My 3 year old (4 in September) has been having later nights due to the heat, no sleep because of the baby and has also been up early because of either the baby waking him up or he has been unwell. Because of this he has been home from school, it was closed due to the extreme heat and then the last 2 days I had to pick him up early due to not being himself and being unwell.

I work a full time job, luckily I work from home so there is no commute but concentrating is pretty impossible when you are being woken up so frequently and having late nights and early starts. She has been crying for almost half an hour and I just don’t know what to do! I have no next to me for anymore, she won’t sleep if I put her in bed with me, I am worried she is going to wake my son up in a minute as their rooms are next to each other.

please I am out of ideas. How can any mum be expected to work when you have to go through this. Maternity leave should be 2 years minimum! I also have such a busy weekend ahead of me, including her cake smash photo shoot Sunday, how am I even going to manage that! I am exhausted!!!!!!

and just so you are aware, I have tried doing 1 nap in the day, it makes no difference, I’ve stuck to the two naps, still no difference, shortening both naps, still makes no difference.

what is going wrong!! I am at breaking point. I haven’t slept properly in weeks, in fact haven’t slept properly since she was born but these last few weeks have been extremely challenging, more so being back at work.

I think your husband needs to give you something. He could cover either an early shift til midnight or 1am so you have some undisturbed sleep every night, or an early shift say 5-7am, or give you a lie in every weekend, or take the baby overnight one Fri or Sat night while you go to a hotel. Possibly all of those things.

We found the idea of a partner being on shift so you could rest transformational. I think your brain lets you access more deep sleep when it is reassured someone you trust will see to the baby. We combined this with separate bedrooms - one of you in the sofa if necessary. It's not forever.

It’s tough, I was in a similar position when my DS was 1 so I really feel for you. Can you tag team a bit with DH to catch up or have him sleep in DD’s room overnight at the weekend so you can have a bit of solid sleep? And go to bed super early during the week. Even if if you get no evening, it’s worth doing at least a few nights a week.

Elizabeth pantley’s no cry sleep solution book (i think that’s the right name for it!) was quite helpful for me if you’d rather not sleep train involving periods of crying. With DD we left her for 5 mins at a time to sleep train and then just went in and shushed and patted, tried not to pick her up and that seemed to work without being too endless in terms of leaving to cry.

Many parents may have kids under 2 that don't sleep well but how many are making desperate posts on mumsnet?

The difficulty in resettling her baby with unexplained crying and frequent waking sounds to me that professional advice would be reasonable.

My experience was that other people telling me that it was normal was precisely why I was hesitant to go. I thought I was weak or struggling more than most. My thoughts are that if the parent is at breaking point, it may not be the parent or the job (especially given it is wfh), it could be the wakings that are unusual

When I went back to work after DC2 I moved the baby monitor around to DH's side of the bed and said 'your turn!'. I don't think I'd had a full night's sleep in 3.5 yrs (both breastfed). To his credit, he took it on without a blink, and I learnt very quickly to just sleep through them waking up. and they still come round to his side of the bed first on the rare occasion they need us in the night at ages 10 and 13!

The taking turns to have a lie in on weekends was another saviour. That was sacred and the one lying in got to stay in bed until 10.30 am, absolutely not disturbed for any reason.

Oh I’m so sorry this is awful, I’ve been there.
book a GP appointment see if you can get signed off for to your panic disorder.
give the baby calpol before bed and during the night in case it’s teething pain.
sleep on the sofa or somewhere else with ear plugs and tell your partner you need at least 4 hours in a row and then you can swap. It’s just a phase! This defo won’t last forever promise!!

I used to sleep on my commute (few hairy moments of sleeping past my tube stop!) and took 10-minute power-naps in the loos at work when I had a non-sleeper. It was a tough time. I feel for you.

Your DH has to help out more. That’s the only solution.

My crap sleeper didn’t stop being crap until he was 2.5 years old (sorry for the doom and gloom!). Sleep training failed miserably with him and co-sleeping was a nightnare of grunting, wriggling and no sleep for anyone.

DH taking shifts at night was the only way,

Genuine question - what is a "cake smash photo shoot"?

Looking at your other posts it's your husband that's the problem. Why did you have another kid with him? Can't your mum who lives with you help?!

Yep. it seems insane to me.

This is really hard. The only thing I could suggest is some clear routines but also you need to be consistent.
This worked for me:
No day time naps past 3/3.30pm. Dinner 5.30pm. I don’t do a bath in the evenings but works for some. Then a bottle of milk at 6.30, take to their dark bedroom with a night light, get them changed for bed, new nappy etc. sitting together to read a book. Lullabies playing on phone. Then cuddles, sing the same lullaby and place them in the cot. I have them in a sleeping bag (unless really warm). Key thing for me is that I place a cotton muslin in their hands and say night night, sleepy time, and leave the room about 7pm.
This is where it was harder at the start, because I didn’t experience any crying at the start of the night and sucking on the muslin soothed them. But there was some waking and crying in the night. I would leave it 10mins to learn I don’t come instantly and see if they self settle, then go in to check there isn’t anything actually wrong, say sleepy time, stroke their head, give them the muslin in their hands and leave the room. Then repeat again after 15mins, then again after 20mins. I had to be strong to not pick them up. It was tough. It could go on for quite a while.
But it worked after 2 nights. They’ve slept through ever since.
It is trickier for the mum to do it when they’re upset in the night because of the association with comfort. Perhaps your partner could take 2 days off work annual leave and try something like this, or a new consistent settling routine which doesn’t involve picking them up which works for you.

Your husband needs to look after the children for 7 or eight hours while you sleep. If he won’t reliably wake up, he will have to stay awake.

My youngest was on propranolol from when he was 4 months to around 18 months. He had the most horrific night terrors twice a week or so, and it destroyed his sleep. The night terror nights involved him screaming and inconsolable sobbing all night. The other nights he just woke up so frequently. He didn't sleep through properly, no sleep training would have helped because it was side effects of medication.

DH was in a bad place mentally at the time so it was more important as a family for him to sleep in the spare room and for me to deal with the majority of the lack of sleep. He did take DC out at weekends to give me time to rest and sleep or took over bedtime with our eldest.

But when it was going on, the sleep deprivation was horrendous. I was safe to drive, work and look after the children but not a lot was stored in my work related short term memory. I recall one colleague talking to me at a meeting that I had no memory of attending, never mind taking the lead on things. That was bleak.

I drank a lot of coffee. And took micro naps (5 minutes in the toilet at work. Not always intentional). And just ended up accepting that I would be tired long term. I also gaslit myself by telling myself every morning that I wasn't tired, I couldn't be tired and I just was not going to act tired.

It got me through. I don't know how psychologically acceptable those methods were, but fighting the tiredness or feeling overwhelmed with it wasn't helpful either.

Good luck @Biosblbay, i hope you can get some sleep soon.

to be honest, I'm not sure it is possible to work in a demanding job without proper sleep.
I went back to work when my daughter was 10.5 months, and after my first (4 day!) week, came back and said "nope, this isn't working" and we sleep trained her that weekend.
We did the Ferber method, 45 mins crying the first night, 20 mins second night, 3? mins the third night. My only regret was not doing it sooner!

My first was a horrendous sleeper and I genuinely felt ill because of it. I did AC consider getting signed off sick as I was neither use nor ornament and honestly felt like l was a danger on the road.

At 14 months we night weaned, which helped a bit.

My DD was the same. I was working full time in a stressful job and it was so hard. She would also go through phases of waking up every 40 mins as well as the normal 2-3h she did. I took to taking her out for a 3h drive at bedtime (she was a winter baby so it was dark and easier). The general consensus from sleep experts was that she was overtired and I should get her to sleep however I could. Driving she would nearly always go to sleep and then carry on sleeping through the 40m mark, and after 3h the adrenaline in her body caused by overtiredness would wear off as she'd be better rested, and then would sleep more deeply at night. Usually only waking up once. But 3h driving is a big time and money investment. We did it because there was no other option as she was just such an awful sleeper. DC2 on the other hand could be mistaken for someone in a coma 😂

Also to add i got through it by being so used to being sleep deprived I didn't notice it any more. It definitely made me slower and more confused but I didn't feel tired any more.

Just to say if you do decide to go down this route just be prepared it might not work. We tried sleep training DD and she cried until she vomited. The sleep consultant said some children just can't be sleep trained, their physical or emotional needs might be different. But it works for some so an option to consider!

I mean my main advice would be drop anything unnecessary. A cake smash being the top one. Focus on your own wellbeing and whatever sleep you can get. We found sleep very difficult between 12-18 months as she was between 1-2 naps the whole time. It got so so much better once she could manage on one nap. We got a floor bed in her room instead of a cot so that we could keep her in the same room all night (rather than part cot, part in our bed), and moved bedtime to 8pm so she was really knackered.
Your partner has to do more, that was the only way I coped when I went back to work. We divided the night in half so each of us could get a block of sleep. Absolutely no reason it is all on you.

My youngest was on propranolol from when he was 4 months to around 18 months. He had the most horrific night terrors twice a week or so, and it destroyed his sleep. The night terror nights involved him screaming and inconsolable sobbing all night.

There are doctors who prescribe beta blockers to 4month olds to make them sleep?!! Is this in the UK? That is the craziest thing I have ever read.

Night terrors typically only hit children between the ages of 3-12, and are entirely harmless for them. It can be disruptive and distressing for the adults who deal with it but it makes zero sense to give strong drugs for something that has zero health impact on the child. DD had night terrors every single night for months in a row so I'm familiar with all the symptoms, literature and advice. I have never read a single medical paper or official source that beta blockers are recommended for children, let alone newborns.

How did your doctor even diagnose night terrors in a 4 month old baby? Surely it's normal for all 4 month olds to wake up every 2 hours, often crying due to colic, reflux or whatever reason.

Can you ask your childminder or nursery to try and review the sleeps during the day? Both of you come up with a plan. Did I see that the grandmother is lviing in the house.

I had to go back to the office 5 days a week - in heels and a jacket ffs - with 2 under two at home.
You get through it.

No woman would ever get hired if it was.

If women didn’t keep having babies with utterly useless and lazy men it would also help.

Dc2 was a shit sleeper, and dh worked away Sunday to Friday. When DH got home on a Friday night I'd hand the baby over and take myself straight off to bed! I think your dh needs to take at least one night when he's not working.

Also, I'm guessing dc is in childcare while you're working? I'd book a day/morning/afternoon as annual leave and just use it to sleep.

Your DH definitely needs to step up and do at least some of the night or you will end up v ill. Can both kids be moved in with him and you sleep in another room over the weekend to at least catch up a bit.
Then during the week you go to bed at 8 and try to get a decent chunk til midnight or 1am so he is responsible til that point
Can you grab a nap on your lunch break? Even 20-30 minutes would help

Haven't read the whole thread but I wonder if they could both be a bit poorly? Particularly if the older one was sick. I'd be tempted to try a couple of days of Calpol with them both to see if that helps keep on top of any symptoms that they can't convey to you.

OP, this is a horrible horrible phase of parenting, I won't lie. I remember driving to work and thinking that I might crash the car, but also not caring if I did. You are doing a great job. X