Can someone please please please tell me how they expect you to work when you have a baby that doesn’t sleep!!!

[Biosblbay]

I am loosing my mind. My 11 month old (turns 1 nest week) is waking up every 2-3 hours. She already had me up at 1am, ended up bringing her in bed with me, it was just a hour of fidgeting so I put her back in her room at 2am, she is now awake again at 3:30am crying and will not stop. I’ve been down to give her a dummy and it didn’t help. This has been on going now for days. On top of that My 3 year old (4 in September) has been having later nights due to the heat, no sleep because of the baby and has also been up early because of either the baby waking him up or he has been unwell. Because of this he has been home from school, it was closed due to the extreme heat and then the last 2 days I had to pick him up early due to not being himself and being unwell.

I work a full time job, luckily I work from home so there is no commute but concentrating is pretty impossible when you are being woken up so frequently and having late nights and early starts. She has been crying for almost half an hour and I just don’t know what to do! I have no next to me for anymore, she won’t sleep if I put her in bed with me, I am worried she is going to wake my son up in a minute as their rooms are next to each other.

please I am out of ideas. How can any mum be expected to work when you have to go through this. Maternity leave should be 2 years minimum! I also have such a busy weekend ahead of me, including her cake smash photo shoot Sunday, how am I even going to manage that! I am exhausted!!!!!!

and just so you are aware, I have tried doing 1 nap in the day, it makes no difference, I’ve stuck to the two naps, still no difference, shortening both naps, still makes no difference.

what is going wrong!! I am at breaking point. I haven’t slept properly in weeks, in fact haven’t slept properly since she was born but these last few weeks have been extremely challenging, more so being back at work.

I work full time and both dc were up every hour..EVERY HOUR until they were 4 years old. I survived on sugar and caffeine.

Both since diagnosed with ADHD. I guess life was just too interesting to sleep through.

I had a very similar set up to you - years of hardly any sleep. I used to cry before setting off to work I was so tired. So I had to get tough and did controlled crying with ds2 at 6 months. It solved the wake ups (from both of them as older ds was getting me up through vying for attention) but 4/5am starts continued

its many years later now and I think I still sleep badly because of it!

When it’s all over and you can get on with normal life, you do look back and think it was just a short spell, but at the time it feels horrendous. I feel for you. It will end.

Honestly I don’t think it’s possible.
You get signed off sick; you change your lifestyle; or you throw big money at the problem. You could get a doula, let someone else do the nights; you could ‘sleep train’ (not for me personally!) you could take same AL and attempt to fix the routine. Sabbatical?

Its not possible to live without sleep. I personally think it’s not worth it unless you earn loads- if you have to struggle along for a year with no sleep it nearly kills you.

I left my job! Financially though I appreciate it’s not always an option. I would be prepared to do a lot of cutting back though if I had to so I could take a sabbatical or a decent chunk of time. Best of luck xx

Of course your husband can do it.

Once my wife had stopped breastfeeding I had many nights like yours, often going into work only having slept for three or four hours over the course of the night. I had an hours commute each way and I work as a lawyer so it’s not like I didn’t have to concentrate, but what can you do!

It was rough for a while, and I drank a hell of a lot of coffee, but fortunately we are long past those days now.

I don’t think it would have worked if everything was on one of us to deal with though, you get through it as a team - no excuses! He needs to step up.

Go to bed as early as possible then at least you get a chick of sleep before she wakes up the first time.

Something which helped for us is alternating nights 'on' and 'off'. If it was your night on then you dealt with everything that night. But you did have the comfort of knowing that the next night would be your turn to sleep.

If your DH isnt waking up to the sound of his children then you wake him up. No martyring yourself, no 'well I'm awake now so I might as well deal with it'. If he is difficult to wake you agree beforehand what the acceptable methods of waking him up are.

With your employers agreement you can take as long as you want for mat leave! However, it’s unreasonable to expect mat leave to last for 2 years! Speak to your GP or health visitor to get some strategies!

Personally I don’t see the point of not working. You can be miserably tired and working, or miserably tired on much less money. I found work easier to cope with than the kids with no sleep!

You boot DH out of bed one time per night. You both get one lie in at the weekend which is sacred and agreed in advance. You plan quiet weekends. You drink lots of coffee and don't sweat the small stuff at work.

This is when we started co-sleeping with our daughter, she would wake at 2am and not go back until 5am, I was up at 6 to go who work as a teacher and husband was working in theatre. Those were tough times! I definitely wasn’t my best at work but we got through it, mind you it was only for a few months for us then Covid hit.

If you're thinking it might be teething give calpol just in case. Get DH to get up with them at the weekend and one night in the week, and if the two of them are up early he can get up then too. He needs his sleep but so do you. Could you bring the mattress into your bedroom so DH hears the crying and you're in toddlers room on a blow up bed?

Get to bed as early as possible and have DH do the chores you would usually do. How flexible is work with A/L? Could you take a days worth but split it across a week and have a proper nap each day? Or a day off and just rest once the kids are at childcare? Night nurse/sleep trainer?

If you got your wish and maternity lasted 2 years what would happen if your child didn’t sleep well for 3 years? Or 4 years? Should it be extended that long? Maybe all women should just be paid full wages until their kids are 18? That will help the benefits bill I’m sure…..

Dad needs to help !! Wtf

you to to bed at 7 and let him take 7-12 shift and you take the next shift of wakes

also how do you get her back to sleep? Feed/pat??

id sleep train tbh - this isn’t sustainable

You can self-certify for 7 days, only after that do you need a fit note from GP.

The only way we survived - cosleeping and split night shifts, that way both parents had at least 1 solid block of 4-5 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Been there. It’s awful but it does get better. Hang in there. Co-sleeping and training your child to sleep better might help; they are usually able to be sleeping through the night at this stage so look into gentle ways of doing that at the weekend. For example, an extra feed of something filling like oatmeal just before bed, and a leak proof sippy cup next to their bed. Extending it to 4 hours of sleep at a time is a game changer, and you’ll feel much much better. Go to bed yourself as soon as your child does.

PS if your 4-hours of sleep is 6-10pm, your husband would be able to look after the baby. Then he can give the baby oatmeal and put them to sleep, so you might get even longer to sleep.

I found this the hardest time. Everyone's stopped asking you how you are, giving you leeway etc.

If dh is driving/travelling, he at least needs to take Friday/Saturday night for you, monitor by his bed on loud, you downstairs or spare room with white noise.

I'd second the idea to go to sleep when baby sleeps, even if that's at 7. I just gave up on the house or hobbies for a few months.

Yep. None of this ‘my husband just can’t because he sleeps differently.’ It’s amazing how many men are just special like that.

Unfortunately I think you have to suck it up and drink a shitload of coffee . And as for the naps all the faffing around and trying to change naps is probably stressful for you and will make no difference . I think they just do what they are going to do and no amount of feeding or changing around naps changes it. My first was like this and he would be up at 5 at that age I’d have to do a 13 hour shift from 07.30-20.30 which was horrific . Tried changing naps , changing feeds , blackout blinds nothing worked. A friend of mine said to me there is actually nothing you can do it’s outside your control and this actually helped me. It won’t be forever . Hopefully you will only have a few more months before things improve .

I worked for three years as a single parent where my child slept for four hours max a night. I was a single parent, I am amazed I did it for so long. I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown and went freelance for my sanity! If you have a stressful job and commute it is hell on earth!

But he could take the kids out after work, leaving you with a protected hour to nap- it won't solve everything, but would be better than nothing!

Hi, on the weekend get your partner to wake up and you can catch up on sleep. Also look at reducing the number of days you work. I started working only when my first child was in reception and second was 20 months. Till then it was chaotic. If you have any friends or family who can watch the baby during the day to give you a chance to sleep then take them up on the offer, otherwise sleep when the baby does. All the rest of the stuff can wait.

Yes - split shifts is how we dealt with a baby and both working parents (I had to return to work at 4 months which is standard for the country I live in). I was in bed by 9 and DH did everything until 1am. Then it was my turn to be on call if baby woke up. I did mean I got a guaranteed 4 hours a night uninterrupted which really helped.

Does your partner fully take over on nights he doesn’t have to drive the next day? He must.

also you go to bed at 8, he’s in charge of kids til 11pm