Can someone please please please tell me how they expect you to work when you have a baby that doesn’t sleep!!!

[Biosblbay]

I am loosing my mind. My 11 month old (turns 1 nest week) is waking up every 2-3 hours. She already had me up at 1am, ended up bringing her in bed with me, it was just a hour of fidgeting so I put her back in her room at 2am, she is now awake again at 3:30am crying and will not stop. I’ve been down to give her a dummy and it didn’t help. This has been on going now for days. On top of that My 3 year old (4 in September) has been having later nights due to the heat, no sleep because of the baby and has also been up early because of either the baby waking him up or he has been unwell. Because of this he has been home from school, it was closed due to the extreme heat and then the last 2 days I had to pick him up early due to not being himself and being unwell.

I work a full time job, luckily I work from home so there is no commute but concentrating is pretty impossible when you are being woken up so frequently and having late nights and early starts. She has been crying for almost half an hour and I just don’t know what to do! I have no next to me for anymore, she won’t sleep if I put her in bed with me, I am worried she is going to wake my son up in a minute as their rooms are next to each other.

please I am out of ideas. How can any mum be expected to work when you have to go through this. Maternity leave should be 2 years minimum! I also have such a busy weekend ahead of me, including her cake smash photo shoot Sunday, how am I even going to manage that! I am exhausted!!!!!!

and just so you are aware, I have tried doing 1 nap in the day, it makes no difference, I’ve stuck to the two naps, still no difference, shortening both naps, still makes no difference.

what is going wrong!! I am at breaking point. I haven’t slept properly in weeks, in fact haven’t slept properly since she was born but these last few weeks have been extremely challenging, more so being back at work.

At almost 1, I would probably try sleep training. I was not a fan at all, but I got to the point where I pretty much couldn't function and it seemed the lesser of 2 evils. After a painful few days, it worked. Happy to report all 3 kids are older teens / adults and all exceptionally well adjusted so no lasting damage. Maybe worth a try?

I had twins who both woke frequently at night, some nights DH and I no sleep at all! Just coffee and did my best.

You split nights with partner and cancel the cake smash. Gobto bed early. It's normal to get little sleep with young children. I remember getting woken in the night when dc wet the bed at 4!

Husband needs sleep for work.... but so do you!

Ask him to take over at home for a night or two eaxh week, put your ear plugs in and get a decent nights sleep. Put baby in with him and you sleep downstairs or in spare room so he is 1st to deal with kids (or book a cheap night stay in a Travelodge or similar).

You also need your sleep to function. Your husband needs to make some adjustments to his routine too to make this work, for a while at least.

The baby isn't solely your responsibility.

Another one on here to say your DH must help out. You say he has a long commute is this driving or by tube/ train? When mine were this age and terrible sleepers we took one each and accepted there would be musical beds every night. When my 3 yr old woke DH dealt with it- every time. If he was up at 5, DH was up at 5. I would deal with the baby as was breastfeeding and she would settle better with me. Futon/mattress on the floor of toddler's room. If your DH snores through anything he will sleep easily on the floor. 1 was a difficult age for both of mine. It definitely gets easier!! At some points we've had both kids sleeping in our bed for long stretches. You just have to prioritise sleep above all else.

It's tough but it doesn't last forever. I went back when mine were 3 and 4 months, the first year was really hard but you have no option other than to get through it and it's not forever, they sleep better eventually. Maybe have 1 or 2 nights a week were your husband is in charge of the kids so you can sleep better. I also took myself off to a lovely hotel for a night every few months for a really good sleep. Get rid of all unnecessary mental load - cake smashes, birthday parties etc don't need to happen.

I feel for you OP- sleep deprivation is the worst! I co-slept with DD until she was about 18 months and just lived life as a zombie. She still woke up in the bed with me but she'd settle much more quickly and it felt less disruptive as I didn't have to get up out of bed. Hope yours turns a corner soon x

I’d recommend cosleeping. If you have a spare room can hubby sleep there and you and bubby share the bed? This works for us. I hope you get some sleep! X

No advice but just solidarity. My 11 month old is exactly the same right now. We have taken to co sleeping once she wakes for the first time but I never know if I’m going to be up an hour or 4 and she doesn’t always settle back down in our bed either. DH is a deep sleeper and doesn’t wake but after 90 minutes last night I woke him to say I need some support! it’s so hard and I wish I could say something that would make it feel better but I can’t, it’s just hard! I am struggling with the transition back to work too x

With my first we shared the nights using milk I pumped at work during the day.

With my second she didn’t take a bottle and we coslept from birth so I didn’t have to wake up much. I’d just shove a boob in her mouth and go back to sleep. When we night weaned at around 18 months her dad took over all the nights (I’d done them all until that point).

It’s hard and it’s rubbish and very tiring. It will get easier with time and doesn’t last forever. Your partner needs to pull his weight.

If you can afford it take a year off work.

Get yourself some wax earplugs (foam ones don't work) and sleep train.

Drop it to one nap at lunchtime

You have my sympathies, my youngest was the same for the first year I was back at work. He’s still not a great sleeper but we at least get more than 2-3 hours.

Honestly you just have to do what you can to survive. Me and my partner started sleeping in separate rooms and would take it in turns as to who had the bad sleep. We then discovered co sleeping worked better so I co sleep with youngest but then partner gets up in the morning with both kids so I get a bit more sleep before work. We lived off ready meals and really simple food for quite a while as no energy to cook in the evenings after a day of work. I drank a lot of coffee. And tried to tell myself I’d survived every tired day before so would survive this one too.

Does your work contracts offer parental leave? Or your partners?

he does need to step up. You’ve had some good advice on this thread. I’d also consider some sleep training, but first, get your baby’s ears checked

Totally understand, mine didn’t sleep for years, both turned out ADHD. They’re amazing now and easy but the lack of sleep was awful, DS is 14 and still doesn’t sleep through the night but has learnt to put books on etc.
I don't have any tips other than I co slept with both of them and I worked 4 days then went to 3 for a while because I couldn’t cope.

I had to send a male member of staff home once. It was his second poor sleeping, almost constantly crying DC and he was working full time then going home to a crying wife and they were trying to muddle through the evenings and nights.

He was sat next to me, bent down to tie his shoelaces and seemed to be taking a while to do it and I looked and he was asleep bent over in the chair with his head hanging down towards the floor. I ordered him a taxi as he cycled to work and was clearly unsafe and told him to take a few days sick.

Sleep deprivation is torture.

Go off sick if you're not safe to work.

Honestly, it’s tough. Two children (5 and 2) both non sleepers but tbh DS2 is much better than DS1. Am also a senior professional.

Honestly, the way I’ve survived is lots of sugar during the day for energy (so lots of weight gain), and going to bed really early once a week or so (as in at 8pm), so that even though it’s still broken sleep, I’m at least getting more of it.

We have now started co sleeping with both - me with one and DH with the other. It’s been a huge game changer for us as everyone is sleeping better and I’m finally starting to feel like me again. Even that difference means I have lost 6kg in 3 months, as I’m now eating so much better.

Yes I know it’s creating unhealthy sleep patterns, but when you have genuine bad sleepers (not those that complain about one wake up every other day or so), you need to do whatever it takes to survive.

It does slowly get better though. DS1 would
wake every 90 minutes or so until he was 2. Now, at 5, he wakes 1-3 times a night, and will occasionally not wake up at all every few weeks. It’s just been a slow and painful journey to get here.

DC1 was easy - slept through from quite young, v happy contented/easy going baby, rarely cried. I went back to work when he was 6m old, but things were pretty simple. It lulled me into a false sense of (somewhat smug) security. Then Mother Nature flicked me the bird, and I had DC2. Complete bloody opposite (oh, the reality hit like a bloody sledgehammer!)!!

Again, I had to go back to work (I'm a nurse) when she was about 7m old (XH had been in a massive RTC, injured badly and was out of work, so I needed to get back to work). I was breastfeeding, and trying to juggle literally everything. It was hell. A friend of mine (she's a teacher) had seen a sleep coach person for her baby and passed me the schedule she'd been given, so just before I started back at work, I ended up using that as I was desperate. My parents were away on holiday and let me and the DC stay in their (large 4 bed house) so I could do the sleep training thing. Sleep training saved my sanity!!

I like the idea of the split shifts for sleeping that I read about on here - really good idea!! Maybe try that? x

wtf is a cake smash?

It’s torture. My 1st didn’t sleep and did split nights most nights midnight - 4am and my alarm went off at 6am. I worked in childcare, I don’t know how I survived. She’s 5 now and it’s a distant memory 😮‍💨 you have my sympathies x

I’d try co-sleeping from the start, rather than waiting until she’s awake and bringing her in with you.

Also, if you have the resources, this company drew up a sleep training plan for me which saved my life. I was a single parent and neither of my kids slept. I actually thought I’d die of exhaustion!
https://millpondsleepclinic.com/

I totally tanked my career and eventually had to change jobs. I'm a solicitor, I don't just work 9-5, I was expected to work evenings, attend work dinners, as well as hitting hourly billing targets every day. There was no way to muddle through. I had been the team's top performer and was due a promotion when coming back from mat leave. I obviously didn't get it, partners took clients off me as I wasn't fast/good enough anymore, and that was that.

It's awful. I wish I had quit and not gone back, and just looked for a job when DS was 2.

Mentally, the experience destroyed me. I completely lost all self esteem. And our life needed a total re-haul as I was the higher earner. 5 years on things are fine but I am not myself anymore. I don't know how I was supposed to do it all.

My DH was very involved but once I went back to work, DS wouldn't settle for him. And we lived in a flat, there was no way to NOT hear the blood curdling screams. Cosleeping didn't help either.

Head to bed earlier, make sure your DP is pulling his weight by taking on the majority of the evening baby-work, and/or the morning prep work (getting up earlier to sort out early waking and getting baby up and ready so you can sleep in) since you are on overnight duty. To ensure you get a roughly equal amount of sleep each.

But even with that, the broken sleep is a killer, so a couple of nights a week unbroken can be a godsend. Does your DP at least take over for Friday and Saturday nights? By sleeping in with the baby while you stay put in your room with ear plugs, may be?