Do you say no to your child?

[Nix32]

After visiting another family (in a professional capacity) where the 3 year old child was aggressive and physical, and it was not addressed by the parents - in fact, it was a source of amusement - I’m trying hard to understand why some parents think this is ok.

Parents were open about the fact that if they say no, he cries, so they give him whatever he wants. They couldn’t see that this is a problem.

Can you help me understand?

I have no qualms about saying no to my DC.

I used to have a friend who never said no to her DS, had no boundaries or consequences for his subsequently worsening behaviour which started at 2 years old, and she couldn’t figure out why. Said child is now 11 and his behaviour is truly shocking.

Saying ‘no’ to a child is an important part of their learning, because let’s face it, the world isn’t always going to accommodate them doing whatever they like.

Children need boundaries and thrive when their parents are in charge.

It’s neglect imo never to say no to a child.

Because they are lazy

Some people don’t want to deal with the negatives but having boundaries is good for children and is how they learn.

There have been times where I think my eldest probably started to believe her name was no 😂

I do try to save “no” for when it really has to be a no, rather than when it is just inconvenient e.g. wanting to play in a muddy puddle, but situations like you describe and of course any aggression if she showed those behaviours would be an immediate no.

I think some parents say no too much, some parents definitely don’t say it enough, neither is great, there is a middle ground. I do think there are parents who don’t say no to avoid a tantrum “for an easy life” maybe without realising that it sets them up to fail down the line when that 2 year old is a 15 year old who has never heard the word no.

Some people seem to think it’s a bad thing to say no to their kids. These people just give them everything they ask for. These people think they can give my kids chocolate etc and when I tell them no they go overboard acting like I’m being unreasonable. These sort of people are the bane of my life professionally and personally. FFS kids need boundaries and structure!

Absolutely. Mine are adults now but no is an important word!

It’s neglectful parenting. Children need to learn about boundaries, especially as they get older and need to hold their own. If a child never observes a confident ‘no’, how can they do that for themselves?

I try to do better than just no. I try to explain why I am denying them what they want. I find that with my child, even from a very young age, it I respected her enough to explain the reason for a rejection, things went better. That did not mean we never had tantrums, but we stuck with the method.

we now have a teenager that we can explain our logic and even if she isn’t thrilled, she either offers a reasonable counter argument or accepts the verdict.

In my opinion, say yes as far as possible and a no is clear and non-negotiable. Never change a no to a yes is more important.

I wonder if some cases are parents who took the advice to be very responsive to babies and not leave them to cry to heart in a way that they couldn't move on from as the child got older.

Obviously we say no. It’s very on trend to ‘never say no’, I have some friends who don’t. Have to be honest their children are the least well regulated and behaved compared to those who have no in their lives. But I like the parents. So the relationship continues.

When my daughter was young I just said no and gave her a look, I did class myself as her parent not her best friend so it was easy x

I think some people just have absolutely no idea how to parent, which if they've been poorly parented themselves is not surprising really. You should need a license to be a parent like you do to drive!

I'm a nanny and I work almost entirely for families where the parents are intelligent, highly educated and want the very best for their children, but the gaps in parenting/child development/safety awareness are shocking.

I think it is definitely partly this. There is a generation of parents who are terrified that if their toddler cries for five minutes they're going to end up with brain damage like the Romanian orphans! Some of the anti-sleep training rhetoric went a bit far.

"Mum, can I run in the road? Mum, can I beat up the kid next door? Mum, can I pull the cat's tail? Mum, can I expect the whole world to revolve around me?"
I thought gentle parenting was out and FAFO parenting in?
Seriously, no decent parent wants their kid in a class with parents who think "no" is swearing.

I absolutely say no, if it fits.
Often a "we can't today" or "When you've done your homework" type response works.
I'll always tell him why not as well though.

I’m not sure that the people who don’t say know to their children have been poorly parented themselves tbh @NuffSaidSam
I have seen relatives who have been parented well and turned out lovely themselves just not bother saying no to their own children. It’s easier to say yes than put up with a tantrum. Life is hectic and good parenting isn’t easy.

Yes - “no” isn’t a bad word in our house! When I say no to certain things my 4YO huffs and says “you’re not my best friend anymore” to which I reply “that’s okay- I’m not meant to be your best friend, I’m your mum” 😂

No issues saying no. It is all too often ignored however.

They need boundaries, expectations and consequences.

You are the parent, you teach them how to behave.

Otherwise, how will they learn?

Small children need basic communication, not a load of why and wherefors.

So:

Sit down
Let's go
Brush your teeth
Don't do that
Jam or marmalade?
Not today

Adding - had daughter’s primary school induction recently and teacher encouraged parents to explain to children prior to starting school that no isn’t a bad word. Teacher said children will hear the word no in school and it’s better if they aren’t overly sensitive to hearing the word and that they understand being told no is a normal part of life. I thought it was telling that she had to say any of this, I would have assumed hearing the word no is a normal part of the preschool years.

Are you saying babies should be left to cry?

To answer your title question, I don't actually say no often, as it dose tend to escalate things (or at least did when they were toddlers). But that doesn't mean letting them do what they want, I just use different words.

Eg. Instead of "can we go to the park?" "No"
I might answer "I'm afraid we don't have time today because we're doing xyz"

If there were hitting like you described I'd probably say "aw, that hurt! I don't like hitting" or similar, then redirect them to something else. If it continues, I might say "come on now, that's really not nice behaviour, and we won't be able to do ....(nice thing) if I can't trust you to act nicely".

It's more wordy but I found it more effective then just saying "No!", which might get a momentary pause, but didn't stop the behaviours repeating, as they didn't really understand what was "no" or why