Do you say no to your child?

[Nix32]

After visiting another family (in a professional capacity) where the 3 year old child was aggressive and physical, and it was not addressed by the parents - in fact, it was a source of amusement - I’m trying hard to understand why some parents think this is ok.

Parents were open about the fact that if they say no, he cries, so they give him whatever he wants. They couldn’t see that this is a problem.

Can you help me understand?

This. Mostly because I didn’t want a toddler who said no constantly.

Lots of ‘not today’ and ‘we don’t hit’ and ‘we’re leaving because’. But never ever giving in because of crying and tantrums. If there were any, empathy and boundaries. ‘I know you want the toy, you’re sad’ but still no toy.

Mum, I want a flying pink horse!

(my answer was actually where would you keep it?)

I cannot stand parents like this. Parenting is hard, you have to tell your child no sometimes in order to bring them up properly. Ours get told no all the time! Otherwise my youngest would eat so much chocolate she would turn into a chocolate bar and all her teeth would fall out! Of course they cry about it sometimes. And what I say is, it's ok to be sad about it, but the answer is still no. And explain why.

Parents who can't say no, in my opinion, are shit parents.

She's saying children can be left to cry. Because it's fine to be sad about being told "no" for perfectly good reason. Babies cry to get their basic needs met. Children cry because they want to eat ice cream for breakfast, or wear crocs to school, or because you gave them the wrong banana.
If my kids cry because I've told them off, I do not comfort them. They are only crying because they've been caught breaking rules / doing something unkind! It is fine to let them feel these things. That's how they learn.

(And before anyone flames me, of course I comfort and console my children when they are upset. I hug the chocolate monster when I say no, because she's genuinely sad. But the no doesn't change).

I was a "gentle parent" and frequently said "NO". I cannot bear whiny children so any hint of whining was shot down instantly. My children had very clear boundaries and I had no problem doling out consequences for poor behaviour, it just didn't involve smacking or the naughty step.

But, in answer to the OPs question, No, no I can't help you understand 😁

Constantly saying no when they ask for things they can’t have or they’re doing something they shouldn’t do. DD2 copes much better with it when you give her a reason for the no rather than just denying her - she gets frustrated because she doesn’t understand.

I know a couple of people who don’t say no and their kids are feral.

This is my type of parenting.

Yes, children are happy and secure when they know their boundaries and parents are kind but consistent.

No and I don't believe that babies can be manipulative either. I do think with toddlers and children that it's inevitable that they will cry and sometimes scream because they aren't getting what they want. You can't always give them what they want and explain it in a way that makes them happy.

I reckon some parents think that ignoring a tantrum is the same thing as letting a baby cry it out and that's where the reluctance to say no comes from.

I'm on to grandchildren now, however I grew up with a friend who had parents that rarely gave boundaries. Nice peofessional people but discipline wasn't their forte. All 3 children have been low achievers in adulthood, and their daughter once told me she feared going to other people's homes as she didn't know which rules were expected. All three are also in broken and/or unhappy marriages. Children need boundaries but an explanation appropriate to age to accompany the situation is part of bringing a child up to thrive.

God help them when he’s a teen.

I used to hate saying no but I did it anyway. Then I'd follow it with something like 'I know it's frustrating' which my 2 year old probably didn't understand but made me feel better!

When I have known someone for a long time and then they go on to be a parent who is literally afraid to say no to their child, there has always been a common theme in their background: emotional abuse.

Now it varies how severe that abuse might have been. For instance, I know people like this who were removed from their own parents because emotional abuse was just one of the horrors of their childhood. I know others who just have difficult or perhaps narcisstic parents, but this type of emotional blackmail was a feature.

It comes from their experience of basically being told "no" unfairly or their emotional needs being chronically unmet by someone who was meant to meet them. So for them, the disappointment of not "getting what they want" and being upset by that was actually about very real NEEDS being dismissed and the turmoil of having to deal with that when you are essentially powerless.

Of course, nobody would wish to make their child feel that way and so you overcompensate by protecting them from any form of disappointment or perceived deprivation. You want them to have the safe place that you did not.

Spot on - good parenting explained in two sentences.

I'd extend it slightly by adding that as our children got older, we became more flexible about changing our minds if presented with a well-reasoned argument, of if we'd underestimated or misjudged the DC's feelings about something. I think this is an important behaviour to model. But never in response to nagging or tantrums.

What interesting is when siblings parent completely differently. I was pretty firm with my kids, no was no, no tolerance for whining at all. I don't remember tantrums and there was no sibling jealousy.
My sister was the complete opposite. She never said no. No boundaries, her kids have no manners and never say thank you. Yet we had the same parents. The difference is maybe that she was the youngest child and my parents favourite.

So you won't even say 'no' when your child is hitting you? 🤐

In the 5years I’ve had my child I have said NO and STOP THAT and THATS NAIGHTY more times than I care to remember 🤣

I think some parents feel really bad when they see their child upset, and will go to a lot of lengths to avoid being the one that upsets them. They can’t cope with their own emotions and want to avoid the discomfort, and often also assume the child won’t be able to bear to feel the disappointment either.

What they fail to realise is that keeping the child happy at all costs in the here and now leads them to be much more unhappy in the longer term. But that’s not in focus in the moment when the child is asking for something or doing something they shouldn’t be.

Gosh, this. Kids are far more resilient than some parents think.

I soon learnt to avoid the dopey school pick up parents who were forever letting their kids muck about. They didn't seem to have the ability to tell them "No!" and to cut it out. Their kids were annoying.

Over the years, yes regularly. 😀

Now, only to his daftest suggestions, but he's bigger than me and earning his own money so the balance of sense and power has shifted. Thankfully he is kind and intelligent so not a problem.

The parents you refer to will probably end up with a very unpleasant teen. Is he their only child. Sounds like little prince syndrome You can't intervene so leave them to it.

Yes, my priority in that situation would be that they learn that we don't hit, because hitting hurts people, and so moderate their future behaviour.

I'm trying to raise functioning people who can make good choices by themselves, not just train them to stop when I say no. I'm not going to be stood next to them shouting no for the rest of their life, so they need to know what is/isn't acceptable for themselves.

A sharp ‘no’ or ‘stop’ can stop a behaviour super quickly. You then follow it straight away with the explanation - ‘we don’t hit people because hitting hurts’ or whatever you feel is appropriate.

It needn’t be an either-or, it’s most effective when it’s both. Without that ‘no’ or ‘stop’ at the beginning, they tend to carry on for a bit till the explanation sinks in, especially if they’re younger. Or they don’t stop at all. That can be dangerous for them in some situations, or cause them to hurt others for an unnecessarily long time.

It also runs the risk with some kids that you’ll be in that position of those really weak parents who just bleat ‘please stop doing that Henry’, while Henry merrily ignores them and just carries on doing what he wants to do for as long as he wants to.

It could just be the way my kids process language (they are autistic), but they were always more able to process being told to do something then being told not to do something. So things like "hands to yourself", "put that down down" or "wait there" were always more effective then "no hitting" "don't throw that" "stop running off". When they were little they just couldn't infer what you did want, from being told what you didn't.

I agree this can definitely be more helpful - so they're crystal clear on what you do want them to do. Mine sometimes really needed a very sharp 'no' or 'stop' first, as there could be a few seconds processing time before the new instruction registered.

Yes I say no. Dd1 now 16 always accepted it. Dd2 has been more of a challenge and still at 13 wil go on and on and on so I can see why it can be a challenge but it’s very important all the same