AIBU not to have SD at home while I work?

[Goingbonkers247]

SD is being tested for ADHD and behaviour issues, she's 12. My son also lives with us and he's 12.I can have up to 15 calls back to back a day. previously when kids are off school I've agreed to have them here while i work form home, every time she interrupts every call talking at me, comes down stairs winds the puppy up so she barks at her, runs around the house stomping feet, clashing pans in the kitchen making food she isn't going to eat on a group call at full volume, argues if asked to clean up, I'm quite often talking and have to keep putting the calls on hold to ask her to keep it down. she gets in a strop and storms off slamming doors, muttering insults.

Today I've had to work form home due to train issue and when my partner dropped SD off they said school closing at noon.
I've said I can't pick her up as I have calls and she can't come back here. she just disrupts my whole day and then I'm cranky by the time he gets home. I'm really busy but he said it's not right. I should be more willing to help with her. he has to go to work.
I work full time for a company and have calls at set times of the day every day for different projects and got thrown in the deep end a month ago when they made someone redundant and I got no handover and had to pick up 4 major projects with no support. he thinks I should just refuse to do it. he's self employed so works when he wants...
I'm always left feeling the bad guy because of her behaviour. I understand she is possibly on the spectrum but some I think is just lack of respect.
Am I wrong to not be willing to have her home if he's not around to deal with her?

If he 'works when he wants' he needs to parent his child, amd allow you to do your work given you can't choose your hours.

He also needs to parent her anyway, her behaviour sounds awful, and ADHD, while possibly an explanation, doesn't mean she can disrupt you like that. He sounds like a bad parent.

If he's not going to, can you work from elsewhere?

No you aren't wrong.

You are not being unreasonable. You are working and being constantly disrupted.
His work is flexible.
He can parent his daughter.

Tell him, self employed means he can look after his own child.

Yanbu as your employer wouldn’t be happy if your work is being interrupted. Maybe your dh should take dc to work as if she can’t quietly get on with things for a couple of hours (other than interactions at lunch/ break time) then that is essentially what he is asking you to do.

This is not your problem to solve.

do you even live together? Why would he need to drop
her off?

Yep, looks like it's a 'Take Your Daughter to Work' day for him.

It shows a complete lack of respect for you and your work that he swans off to work and just expects you to deal with it. And he’s self employed with a flexible schedule?! It would be a hard no from me. And I know she has ADHD but that doesn’t fully excuse what is awful behaviour… my 5YO knows not to interrupt a work call unless it’s something important…

I'm always left feeling the bad guy because of her behaviour. @Goingbonkers247

Your sd 's behaviour isn't why you're left feeling the bad guy, it's your dp surely?

He should be parenting his own child. She's his responsibility, he's the bad guy.

Do not give in and do not let him guilt trip you. The cheek of him!

‘…he has to go to work’

So do you!

He needs to take annual leave off to look after her then.

Your working. That’s the end of it. X

You’re working, my bosses, and me as a boss, would say that’s not reasonable as it’s way too distracting and people may complain! If your DH is self employed she can go with him after he’s picked her up from school. Failing that it’ll need to be her mum … does her mum have a partner?! I’ll be if she does they don’t have to take such responsibility

He’s incredibly selfish. He’s refusing to be reasonable so put your foot down hard and keep doing it. If he wants childcare favours he can do some bloody parenting and stop her being so impossible to be around. He can also ask nicely rather than treating you like an unpaid babysitter while you’re at work. Cheeky sod.

Its his child therefore its his problem to deal with!

You are also at work no?

Is she old enough to be left home alone, or do you have to babysit? Are you working in the kitchen/ open plan area?

Don't allow yourself to be guilted by this man. Sounds like another one of those shitty men who dump their kid on their current girlfriend to parent and do the drudge work.

Don't fall for it. Would you and your son not prefer to live in your own peaceful home? You could still date your boyfriend if he's excellent, enjoyable company.

@Goingbonkers247 You know it's only going to get worse right? With her behaviour I mean. I would separate because you and your son don't have to put up with her behaviour and your dh doesn't know what being a parent vs stepparent means..

yes we live together. he has to drop her off to school as she is now banned from the bus due to her behaviour. every time she goes on the bus a problem kicks off. so he has banned her.

What does your own 12 year old son feel about his home being disrupted like this? Were his feelings considered before you and your dp 'blended' your children?

her mum moved over 3 hours away last year and is unable to drive. her partner does but she lives full time with us. her mum is not registered at the school as a parent as my SD lived full time with my OH since she was 2.

He is being highly unreasonable. Even if you are not working, it is still not your responsibility to care for HIS daughter. The fact that you ARE working makes it downright outrageous. His child, his problem, his care.

I've said I can't pick her up as I have calls and she can't come back here. she just disrupts my whole day and then I'm cranky by the time he gets home. I'm really busy but he said it's not right. I should be more willing to help with her. he has to go to work.

I honestly think you need a reset of approach here. In response to that information, I think the appropriate response should have been 'Oh that's unfortunate for you, what are you going to do'? Rather than give excuses and explanations as to why you can't solve his problem for him. Would you automatically assume he would pick up your son and care for him if he needed to leave school early? And complain he was unreasonable if he didn't? No? then why do you accept it?

He needs to parent his child. I would seriously consider what watching this set up between you and your OH is doing for your son.

Yes the kitchen/diner. I know it's the kids home too.
we have a summer house in the garden but we can't seem to get enough wifi working so i am unable to work from there just now. she could be left alone for an hour or so I guess. I just don't see why I should have to disrupt my work due to her behaviour.