AIBU not to have SD at home while I work?

[Goingbonkers247]

SD is being tested for ADHD and behaviour issues, she's 12. My son also lives with us and he's 12.I can have up to 15 calls back to back a day. previously when kids are off school I've agreed to have them here while i work form home, every time she interrupts every call talking at me, comes down stairs winds the puppy up so she barks at her, runs around the house stomping feet, clashing pans in the kitchen making food she isn't going to eat on a group call at full volume, argues if asked to clean up, I'm quite often talking and have to keep putting the calls on hold to ask her to keep it down. she gets in a strop and storms off slamming doors, muttering insults.

Today I've had to work form home due to train issue and when my partner dropped SD off they said school closing at noon.
I've said I can't pick her up as I have calls and she can't come back here. she just disrupts my whole day and then I'm cranky by the time he gets home. I'm really busy but he said it's not right. I should be more willing to help with her. he has to go to work.
I work full time for a company and have calls at set times of the day every day for different projects and got thrown in the deep end a month ago when they made someone redundant and I got no handover and had to pick up 4 major projects with no support. he thinks I should just refuse to do it. he's self employed so works when he wants...
I'm always left feeling the bad guy because of her behaviour. I understand she is possibly on the spectrum but some I think is just lack of respect.
Am I wrong to not be willing to have her home if he's not around to deal with her?

my son finds it frustrating but he spends quite a bit of time at his dad but still prefers to be home with us. they do get on sometimes and he said she pretty much leaves him alone. her tantrum she comes down put his head phones and plays fortnite. i think he'd love to come home to peace though.

None of this makes any sense at all op, and you’re not answering anyone asking the why?

why would it be you that has to interrupt work and not her parent?

why would he think ‘it’s not right’ that you are saying no to looking after her when working when he’s not?!?

none of this makes any sense.

no idea why this set up would make your child’s life nicer either.

if your child would love to come home to peace, (who wouldn’t) and you don’t like her being there, and your partner treats like you shit - all things you’ve detailed here - what is preventing you from living apart?

Yeah it was so last minute he was stuck. I had thought about separating the house hold but I know we would just end up no longer together. we are both very busy and I am happy on my own, don't need to be in the relationship. I enjoy his company and we have a family around us. his family so if we split my son will pretty much have no family left except me. I think he's better with everyone around, keeping busy, it's a tough decision that keeps going round my head.

i think he'd love to come home to peace though.

Give him the gift of a peaceful childhood, there's no reason to live with this man and his kid.
There are so many of these men posted about on this site, i can't understand the appeal of them. Date him, no reason to make your child be involved.
Your boyfriends relatives are not your son's family, he has you and his father. He won't be losing anything, quite the opposite.

YANBU at all. You're not sitting on your arse watching Netflix, you are WORKING, just like your DH. It is HIS responsibility to arrange childcare for her if he can't pick her up/take time off. You are not the default babysitter.

So he isn’t unaware of her issues…I don’t get why he is expecting you to do childcare while working. It isn’t possible to parent her and work, he should know this and work it out.

it's a tough decision that keeps going round my head.

Your work day getting disrupted is the tip of the iceberg here. He shouldn't have to put his earphones and hide in Fortnite to block out what's going on in his own home.

As an intermim before you decide, I would absolutely be talking to your OH tonight and say you're not prepared to continue like this and he needs to step up big time so you and your DS aren't absorbing the fallout from his shitty parenting shortfall.

See what he does with that and then make a decision. Sounds like you're in a good position to do what you need to do.

Yeah I mean i didnt say i can't do it, he kind of danced around the subject...school is only down the road....and I said why don't you just ask properly. he said you could pick her up she will stay in her room. I said I can't at that time as i'm in the middle of calls. he said we are different. i'd pick your son up if you needed me to, no problems. i said they are different kids. he doesn't disturb your working day..and if he did I would not expect you to look after him again.

Assuming you have power to the summer house, look at a mesh system that pushes the WiFi further. I have a Netgear Orbi system from Amazon. It was the only way to get it to our garden office apart from a hardwire.

No you shouldnt have to have this disruptive child when you are trying to work. Even if it was your own child other arrangements would need to be made otherwise your job could be at risk.

He doesn’t regard your job as a real job.

Agree YANBU

Regardless of her age, sounds like she still needs caring for and most work policies don’t allow wfh while caring for kids, for good reason. Her dad needs to sort childcare.

This!

Was it today OP?

yes today.

So what happened?

He picks up his daughter and looks after hers you are working and cannot be disturbed by her.

The fact he works for himself surely means he can prioritise his daughter and collect if he needs to.

You are her SM and he is her father. He needs to step up.

In your shoes I’d be having the hard conversation with him about parenting his own child or you having to separate.

I hope you own the house so you can chuck him and his appallingly badly behaved child out. There is a lot of ADHD in my family and it is absolutely possible to have standards of behaviour such that children can travel on buses and behave in a civilised way. It takes more effort but in most cases it is absolutely doable. I am fairly sure you are overestimating how much your son enjoys this setup.

If it's her home and she lives there, where else is she meant to go? If you weren't working from home would she have been at home by herself?

If yes, then I don't think you can really complain.

Sounds like you shouldn't be living all together tbh. Who owns the house/ moved in with who?

i'd pick your son up if you needed me to,

I think the response to this is "I need you to pick up your daughter." it's like he doesn't even see that your need to work is hindered by the issue as much as his is.

I'm also wondering - if the school is just 5 minutes down the road, why does a 12 year old need picking up? It sounds like she needs supervising full time anyway? What are the summer plans?

It doesn't sound like your house is suitable for you to work from home from at the moment, though. Taking up the entire living space in a way that makes it difficult for anyone else to be in there when they are home too is not fair on the rest of the family. But that's a family issue to try to solve, it doesn't mean it's okay for your DP to just dump things on you that disrupt your work so he doesn't have to disrupt his.

These threads have been weekly for a couple of months. Blended families with the woman doing all the parenting.
Who's house and are you married? Why was this man stuck? You had a house and he didn't?

He doesn't respect you or the fact you have a full time job with responsibilities. You're the nanny with a fanny, as so often happens with these lazy fathers.

I feel sorry for the girl, her mother fucked off and her dad doesn't seem to care about parenting her properly. I wonder how much of her behaviour is ADHD and how much is seeking attention any way she can.

I also feel sorry for your son as he clearly does not want to be around her and has withdrawn.

Some lines really need to be drawn here.

Yeah it was so last minute he was stuck. I had thought about separating the house hold but I know we would just end up no longer together.

So, he threatened you with a good time?

yes we all live here, we own the house together. if I wasn't at home working he would not leave her alone at home, he would have to make alternative arrangements. I agree it's our home and my son doesn't disrupt as he knows I'm on calls, she however doesn't care and will constantly interrupt. my OH has just spoken to her again as we can't even have a conversation now due to her constant need to butt into it,