AIBU not to have SD at home while I work?

[Goingbonkers247]

SD is being tested for ADHD and behaviour issues, she's 12. My son also lives with us and he's 12.I can have up to 15 calls back to back a day. previously when kids are off school I've agreed to have them here while i work form home, every time she interrupts every call talking at me, comes down stairs winds the puppy up so she barks at her, runs around the house stomping feet, clashing pans in the kitchen making food she isn't going to eat on a group call at full volume, argues if asked to clean up, I'm quite often talking and have to keep putting the calls on hold to ask her to keep it down. she gets in a strop and storms off slamming doors, muttering insults.

Today I've had to work form home due to train issue and when my partner dropped SD off they said school closing at noon.
I've said I can't pick her up as I have calls and she can't come back here. she just disrupts my whole day and then I'm cranky by the time he gets home. I'm really busy but he said it's not right. I should be more willing to help with her. he has to go to work.
I work full time for a company and have calls at set times of the day every day for different projects and got thrown in the deep end a month ago when they made someone redundant and I got no handover and had to pick up 4 major projects with no support. he thinks I should just refuse to do it. he's self employed so works when he wants...
I'm always left feeling the bad guy because of her behaviour. I understand she is possibly on the spectrum but some I think is just lack of respect.
Am I wrong to not be willing to have her home if he's not around to deal with her?

This sounds hellish. You need to put your son first in this. The girls needs parenting and it shouldn’t be your job to do. There’s no respect for you here. I would be seriously considering ending the relationship.

Your posts are a little confusing OP because you talk about this as if it's something that is expected to happen in the coming days but in actual fact it has already happened.

So how did it go?

my son finds it frustrating but he spends quite a bit of time at his dad but still prefers to be home with us. they do get on sometimes and he said she pretty much leaves him alone. her tantrum she comes down put his head phones and plays fortnite. i think he'd love to come home to peace though

Yet another woman who puts dick before her own child's wellbeing.

Be careful, he might check out in his adult years.

The fact he works for himself surely means he can prioritise his daughter and collect if he needs to.

As much as I’m totally on the OP’s side here, being self employed does not give you the flexibility to work/not work whenever you feel like it. If you don’t work then you don’t get paid, and if you just drop everything you lose clients/business. DH is self employed, so I know how it works.

However the OP’s job is no less important than her DP’s, and just because she is at home, doesn’t mean she is available (popular misconception)

But if her DP needs help with his daughter, it’s up to him to find a solution. I could not live like this and would be separating the households.

And what would have happened if you had made it clear early on in your relationship that there would be no living together until the DC are 18. Would he have hung around because he was in love with you or would he be out there looking for another woman to move in with quickly who would help take care of his DD.

Why is it even a question work from home means work not baby sitting any kids

You say OH has family nearby - perhaps he could rope them in when the unexpected happens.

You're really not wrong. It's time he stepped up and took more responsibility rather than guilt you. Not on.

Mumsnet will soon be full of posts from WFH women having the piss taken out of them regarding childcare over the holidays because people don’t take their work seriously. This is the second one I’ve commented on today.
He and the child’s mother are entirely responsible for her care. Not you. No is a full sentence. This will only get worse OP if you don’t put clear boundaries in place.

I see that you own the house together but are not married. Should you be staying?

I couldn’t live like this. 💐

Yes m, your son will move to his dads when he finishes school

What kind of work is he in? I only ask because I’m self employed and there’s an element of working when I want but when the works there I do double the hours to bank for quiet periods through the year or times like last week if term this year because my son finishes primary school.

That said you are working, just because home is your office it doesn’t mean you are ok being interrupted. My DS has trouble with this. DH wfh days-leaves him alone. Me wfh days-constantly showing me videos or telling me daft facts 🤦🏻‍♀️ I was a teacher until 3 years ago so he’s well trained with DH work routine but can’t get a handle on mine 🤦🏻‍♀️

Nope, I’d lose my shit over this, DH needs to parent her properly. I have 11 & 12 year old at home and they never ever disturb me, does she receive any sort of proper punishment for shitty behaviour from DH? From what you’ve said, it seems like she can do as she pleases. I’d tell him no, not until she can get some respect.

Hi ,
As an individual with adhd I do sympathise.
However I was clever , went to grammar school and lived in an era it was missed. Having raised an adhd child (who was a boy ...boys with adhd are more physically hyperactive as opposed to girls who tend to be inattentive adhd -which used to be called ADD) .
YABU. Perhaps dad needs to take her out...or she goes somewhere/u work elsewhere. Maybe gym for her /paid to go to McDonald's/swimming/coffee shop ...anything ( as long as she can be trusted to go).
She needs adhd medication asap. NB caffeine works in a similar way to adhd meds. Exercise really helps.
Dad needs to step up, maybe lie and say your boss heard her and moaned amd you got a telling off for being unprofessional whilst on a call. Emphasise u r working (please excuse the abbreviations).
How to adhd on YouTube/additude.com are good resources for adhd. As is the supernanny episode available on YouTube re adhd.
Dad needs to step up . Mum might too.
I echo the sentiments of others here.
Meds changed my life and also saved it .

https://youtube.com/@howtoadhd?si=uR2L-8_vwd39er5f
How to adhd channel...insightful , well researched videos on adhd.

Additude link to teen behaviour (this is just one link but you can search the site from everything from adhd parenting strategies, timekeeping, strategies to keep your bedroom tidy ...behaviour techniques ...etc ad infinitum....I have literally read the whole site ...show your dh too):
www.additudemag.com/teen-girls-with-adhd/?srsltid=AfmBOoqvVLQqnrbtNCvhqoFxA9bEdCW4JZWixDLHnjlJEPBaXzpILfre

Ps adhd is about 70% as inheritible as height ...so its likely dad has it /her mum does...just fyi. I always say I researched it for my son, and it was like that guy from "this is your life" came on with his big red book and instead of the story of my life it was the list of symptoms. Also , 70 % of prisoners in a documentary I've watched ...were thought to have adhd. As ADHD means the frontal lobe of the brain doesn't take up dopamine (the feel good chemicals) properly. The frontal lobe is in charge of your organisational skills (called executive functioning) , impulsivity (in thought, word , deed & action) , concentration amd emotional regulation & poor short term memory. Some things we do are as follows (each person with adhd is different)
-lose things constantly /forget items e.g. t3ct books

• be late for things /have time blindness
• interrupt people /have no filter /intrude on others conversations

-not concentrate even when we desperately want to -hyperfocus on work /topics to the point where we forget to eat when we are in the zone -be physically hyperactive -be clumsy /lack spacial awareness -get up out of our seat when it is expected we should be seated -make seemingly careless mistakes in our work -talk excessively and go off on tangents

This is all classed as a disability. It is a neurological condition which is brain based and the brain controls behaviour. So I really really urge you to push for that diagnosis. Or dh does. Or whatever. U need it for your sanity. She needs it.
Dr Russell Barkley has 40 lessons for parents of adhd kids on YouTube that are really excellent .
I know its a dh problem. But nevertheless, I thought it might be helpful for me to share my knowledge with you.
My whole family is neurodiverse but it is really hard bringing up an adhd child.
Some people told me to use right to chose to (letters are available on google) get an adhd diagnosis to get 1 for son .
Hope all this helps.
If not, there be wine .
Hugs and good luck.
Love from one who knows.

I wouldn't remain in this relationship when I have a son, my work, mental heath and a puppy to consider. I wouldn't want her around them or me if she is that badly behaved.
Meanwhile Dad is fannying around working when he wants to and pushing his d onto you so he doesn't have to deal with her shit behaviour.

"he's self employed so works when he wants..."
well there's the answer. She can tag along with him.

I would be having a damned good talk with him, starting with -'are you trying to make me lose my job?'. He is her father, and the onus is on HIM, not YOU, to find a solution.

In the meantime, is there anywhere else you could work? A friend's house, family?

Do not accept the status quo.

Is this ragebait??
No you are not being unreasonable
He’s self employed and can be flexible - you can’t - it’s not rocket science, don’t let him play the evil stepmother card here

Being self employed does NOT give you endless flexibility - but this is not the OP’s problem. Her job is equally important and she should not feel guilty about putting her foot down

Why can't her mum have her? Just keep saying no to your OH and mean it Tell him your manager has complained about the background noise not sounding professional. If all else fails shut yourself in the room and keep your headphones on then you won't hear her noise.

Why would you even make your son live like this? Seriously? Wouldn’t it be better living with your son on your own and you both have a peaceful life? Your poor son.

He is being unreasonable.