MIL unwanted comments towards my toddler

[MWJC88]

My MIL made a comment to my 2 year old daughter and it’s really upset me. I don’t know how to handle the situation.

my daughter is on the leaner side like most toddlers are as she is always on the move - this morning my MIL made a comment to my daughter and said “you need to eat more food I can see your ribs” my response was calm as I didn’t want to make a bigger thing of it in front of my daughter and I said “don’t say that nanny it isn’t nice”. However on reflection I’m livid. I promote body confidence and believe in women/girls coming in all shapes and sizes and I want my daughter to feel good in her own skin. This has made me so sad and I don’t know how to broach it with MiL but I want to tell her that I don’t want my daughter’s appearance being commented on.

advice appreciated

Was it a one-off comment or does she always comment on people’s bodies? If the former, I’d probably just think she was making a silly joke.

Massive overreaction. It’s a really minor throwaway comment, which doesn’t fit with how you do things but wouldn’t register for most people.

You handle it by realising that being ‘livid’ is a totally inappropriate reaction.

I’m with you, OP, people shouldn’t be commenting on kids’ body shapes and sizes, full stop. (You’re actually supposed to be able to see kids’ ribs though it’s still none of her business)

Yes! Exactly this. When did it become ok for people to comment on anyone’s body let alone a toddler? It’s crazy to me. At 2.5 they start really paying attention to what we say to them and how we see them.

I think you need to keep an eye on this. Agree and I’d be uncomfortable with that comment.

she makes comments a lot around my daughter - one of them being “moana is fatter than I would expect ” it’s concerning to me

It's honestly something people say
Our 2.5yr old is a bag of energy and bones. We make jokes about what a bean pole he is and where does it all go all the time.

This is not a hill to die on

Presumably you just dont like her generally?
(I say this as someone who doesnt like their own mil so no shade...) but if you dont thats prob what is colouring your view.

Toddler won’t care!

hope that is not your daughter's real name...if so, report thread and repost?

she is well out of line. it's great you are attentive to this.

No she meant Moana the Disney princess. Thank you, it’s something I feel passionate about.

Not right now but when she starts to understand and hear the things people say about her body she will. What we sow in their little minds now is what they reap later

Honestly I would call her out on that. It’s not ok.

You dd is going to hear that and worse from general society as she grows up and lives her adult life. The best thing you can do is teach her how to be comfortable In her own skin, not protect her from every comment..I really think yabu to be livid..

For many it absolutely is a hill to die on, body confidence is something I won’t deviate from. Even though I’ve never joked about body shapes images I still have a teen dd who is self conscious about her body and lacks the confidence I thought I taught her. My friend has a son who cuts himself as he feels he’s too skinny girls won’t like him. There was a post recently from a mum who was worried about her 5’5” son because he thinks he’s too short and was struggling. My DH is a “skinny beanpole” he’s admitted he hated all the comments he’s had his entire life including “harmless” nicknames from his gran who he adored.

OP shut it down, I did with both grandmothers, I get people have sayings but they aren’t as harmless as people think.

I am sure the comment was not meant to hurt. Growing up my grandparents called me a skinned rabbit. No offence was ever intended or taken

I’m sure it wasn’t meant to hurt but comments do. I remember people commenting on my body when I was a child and those comments have stayed with me. These comments may or may not cause issues but they’re unkind, unnecessary and if you can stop it in its tracks I would. Yes people say stuff like that and you have to deal with it… but this is a close family member whose voice will be in her ear long term.

Just point out to her times have changed and it's not appropriate. Add, if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all!

OP is showing her daughter how to stand up to unacceptable comments about her body, even if a loved one or authority figure makes them.

This is basic self esteem and helps with safeguarding as well. Giving her armour against "you are undesirable but I want you" types later on, and against disordered eating.

I remember being told I looked 'bloated' by a relative when I hit puberty. Soon enough I was starving, bingeing, and praised.

I think being livid is a bit OTT if it was an offhand comment. However, it’s reasonable to ask MIL going forward not to comment on your DD’s body (or bodies / weight in general around your DD).

All it takes is a calm chat or text with MIL saying that you as parents are making an active effort to not discuss bodies in a negative way or anyway that would make her question herself or what she eats so could it be off the table in conversation in the future.

After a lifetime of comments from a family member and then comments to my daughter I would give her a choice, stop or no contact.

It isn’t ok. Your dd might not understand now but she will.

I think you have two options. Either you are earnest and explain to your MIL that you have read up on body confidence and you're trying to be really careful about tiny little comments, so you personally try not to say things like that. Some people will be fine with that and will fall in with you.

If she's not the type to do that, maybe try deflecting. 'DD, do you know how many ribs people have?! What other bones do you know?' kind of thing. And then, in private, you drop in casually that we don't comment on people's bodies. A toddler is old enough to start picking up that not everyone says things that mum and dad think are right, and the important thing is that she knows what you think.

Massive overreaction

What has your child’s father said?

I agree with you @MWJC88. I cannot understand why some people think it’s ok to comment on people being slim. It’s no different from someone saying to a toddler “you need to eat less, you’re looking a bit chubby”. I can guarantee everyone would be agreeing that would not be acceptable.