How can I stop family comments about breaking my baby's bond?

[Familylife567]

I have two ds one is four and one is 6 months. With my first both sides of the family pushed for him on their own from 6 days old which caused a lot of stress and resulted in me having ppd depression as I felt I wasn’t given time to bond with my son on my own. Second time around and this time I chose to try breastfeeding as it’s more than likely the last baby, ds took to it really well and then refused a bottle so we’ve stuck to ebf until now. All I have heard from both sides of the family is that he’s too clingy to me, he won’t go to anyone else but to be fair no one has really made the effort to come see him it’s only when we take him to see them. We can only manage this once a week to each house as life is busy so as a result the majority of weeks they see him once so it’s not really surprising he hasn’t overly bonded with them. I’m going to start weaning him this week and all I have heard from both sides is they can’t wait till he’s on solids so the bond between me and him will break. He does heavily rely on me for comfort in all situations, if someone else is holding him he’ll look to me for reassurance or if he doesn’t want to be held by someone as soon as he hears my voice or sees me he will cry and this is usually after ten minutes or so with anyone else. This hasn’t caused an issue for me, dp is rarely home during the week so it would be all left to me anyway and I have genuinely enjoyed the baby stage so don’t really feel I’ve needed a break. The comments about breaking the bond are really getting to me and I don’t know if it’s because of my previous experience with them it’s just triggering something mentally. How can I shut this down from them because the more it comes up in conversation the less I feel like I want to be around them

You can change this toxic dynamic. You aren’t a child anymore. You don’t have to do what they say.

Oh my goodness he's only 6 months old! Of course he should be looking to his mum for reassurance. And you're clearly a good mum who makes him feel safe.
I didn't want anyone even holding my baby til he was about 3 months old, and then only people I really trusted, while I was sat next to them for a short time! I remember coming out of my bedroom, and seeing the lactation lady holding him (he'd have been a few weeks old), my husband had handed him over while he made her a cup of tea. It was like a shock physically going through me seeing a relative stranger holding him, I apologised profusely but had to take him off her immediately!
I don't know if I'd even be taking my child to someone's house if they were talking about "breaking our bond". Let them come to us if they want.
Mind you, it's easy to say that in the moment, (& online!) but of course most of us want our children to have a close relationship with their family. I'd hope, although it sounds incredibly harsh the way they've worded it, they're just being incredibly insensitive and not thinking before they speak! (As opposed to actively cruel).

Sorry I’ve been so busy! No we have no cultural issues or any reason why they would say it. Just two sets of grandparents who want a Facebook picture perfect bond without actually putting in any work. They both choose not to visit us unless specifically asked and even then it’s often refused. I think they’re stuck in the mindsets of they had to be visit their grandparents and that’s how it should be. Even though both live less than 15 minutes away and are all retired yet perfectly fit. It’s nice to know however im not the only who doesn’t agree with what they’ve been saying! I think they’ve all been a bit put out this time around as ds1 wouldn’t have been as clingy so they quite often get visits and no chance to hold him as he won’t go over for more than a few minutes but at the same time that’s lack of effort as I have friends he will happily go to who regularly come and visit and we do days out together so he’s saw them a lot more

Do you have quite a soft personality @Familylife567 ? It sounds like they know they can walk all over you so just continue to push you about.

Be firm, stand your ground and do what’s right for you.

When I had people come and visit after my baby was born I didn’t offer him up to be held if he was asleep on me. I wasn’t going to disturb him to please them. He comes first in ever decision I make and there’s no chance I would be leaving him alone with anyone other than my husband now or for a long time coming because A) It’s just not necessary and B) I don’t want to.

I definitely would have been really soft the first time round it took a few months for me to dig my heels in but this time I have been a lot firmer. There’s been no disturbing him when he’s been sleeping and if he’s not happy he’s straight back over to me (after some issues with this at the beginning) I think this is why I have found this time more enjoyable as I have been more sure and confident in myself and my decisions

For goodness sakes please tell people to back off. They are being toxic.
these are your children, not their toys to grab to satisfy their own needs.
it’s really creepy. As a mum your children are young once. They grow up fast enough. Enjoy them. Do not pander to other people’s demands. Set boundaries. Say no, I need to be with my children, with my baby.

Your extended family sound uneducated.

do you still visit each set of GPs weekly? I would be rethinking that. Getting two kids out of the house is hard work.
frankly I find it weird that any family member would want to separate a baby from its mother.

Your relationship with your baby sounds totally healthy and normal. Your family are mad and pretty toxic to be saying things like they can't wait for the bond with him to be broken! This is quite disturbing, you're his mother! I would not be going to the effort of visiting every week in your shoes to be on the receiving end of comment like that.

Dear family, I’ve been so upset by your many comments about hoping the bond between my baby and I breaks. That’s a horrible thing to say to any mum, much less one you’re supposed to care about. Anyone who wants to see us or our children can visit us at our house this year, we won’t be going to the effort to travel to see people, we’ll be home focussed on our little family and the people who’ve shown they care.

end. Abusive message? ‘Any more messages like this and you will be blocked. My children don’t need a relationship with anyone who will say that to their mum.’

There are two things that are often behind this - neither particularly pleasant.

The first is that they resent that the natural bond and preference your infant has to you is inhibiting their ability to enjoy their new toy - the baby. Their wishes abd enjoyment come before your and the baby’s welfare.

The second is a kind of petty desire, perhaps touted in deep misogyny, to break the bond - it’s unusual for people to be so explicit about it (!) that they resent or feel good about breaking - because it’s something they don’t have and resent or want. It’s partly control too. A new mother is naturally in charge particularly if breastfeeding. A lot of people even within a seemingly loving family dynamic still can’t handle a woman in charge of a resource they want.

There’s also still a very strong conditioning in the U.K. that breasts are for sexual purposes and breastfeeding is dirty or ‘not nice’ and self indulgent on the mother’s part.

You see it on here quite a bit - mothers of even tiny newborn infants being told that they are ‘precious first born’ and being gleefully told that their baby doesn’t belong to them and must be apart from them and handled by family. You see mothers reluctant to allow sleepovers of small children or who are more protective than others with a lower threshold for what they see as danger being told ‘get over themselves ‘ in a sneery tone.

How about “He’s not a toy for you all to take turns he’s our child we let you have …. From very young but new baby’s a different child and nobody’s having him until we are completely comfortable with it thanks for the offer but we won’t be needing it.”
they had their turn to parent this is your child you don’t need or want them to have him overnight so just say no.