AIBU - Need perspective: Beavers requiring parental attendance after camp upset

[Pinkballoons55]

My DS is 7 and has attended Scouts from age 4 (Squirrels and now Beavers). He has always attended independently and has been on numerous off-site trips and activities without any issues.

Recently he attended an overnight camp for the first time. It started at 10am and the plan was for him to stay until midday the following day. By the evening he became extremely upset and distressed. In hindsight, I think he was completely overtired and overwhelmed after a full day of activities. He got upset and the leaders ended up calling us to collect him at around 8pm.

Nobody was hurt and there was no aggression, but he was very upset and apparently tried to run off when distressed, so the leaders had to stop him and send him home.

We've now received an email saying that for all upcoming off-site Beaver activities (three events over the next couple of months), one of his parents must attend alongside him. If neither parent can attend, he won't be allowed to take part.

The thing I'm struggling with is that these aren't overnight camps or all day events. They're normal Beaver activities within the local area (e.g. a park trip) of around an hour in length, which is what he's been doing successfully for years. This feels like quite a big restriction based on what I see as a one-off incident in unusual circumstances.

To add some context, we have just started looking into SEND assessments, so I'm very aware there may be things we're still learning about his needs. Part of me wonders if I'm being too emotional because I hate the idea of him being treated differently from the other children or excluded if we can't attend. I also worry that having a parent there when no other child does will make him feel singled out.

At the same time, I appreciate that the leaders have safeguarding responsibilities and may be looking at things from that perspective.

Has anyone had anything similar happen with Scouts, Guides etc? How did you handle it?

I'm genuinely interested in hearing other peoples thoughts because right now I'm too close to the situation to know whether my upset is clouding my judgement on whether this request from them is reasonable.

(But please be gentle!!!)

I was a volunteer leader with Beavers.
I can completely understand why this request has been made.

I think it was probably the running off that has led to the request - at that point it is probably fairly reasonable for them to be concerned that there might not be enough staff to both keep him safe and also the other children. I think it’s a very very cautious approach, but I can understand it - if he were to run off and something happened to him then they would be held liable and I can absolutely understand them not wanting to take that risk. I suspect if he is able to attend some of the smaller activities successfully with a parent present but minimal support from them then they may be happy to reevaluate in a few weeks etc

I would consider it as an opportunity for one of the parents to support the group. Other children will have their parents there for various radios (eg they might be leaders themselves) so he won't necessary be seen to be diffetent

They have made this request to safe guard your child, it’s obviously the right thing for them to do. Support them and your son in ensuring he can carry on enjoying going

They have risk assessed based on the fact he tried to run off on the most recent trip.

I appreciate that you think it's different because that one was overnight - but actually, it wasn't, because he tried to run on day one.

They don't feel they can guarantee his safety if he tries to run again, and they would be liable if something did happen and they're not willing to risk that, for him or them. Not least because he's little and they're all volunteers.

They've offered a sensible option that safeguards him and them, whilst still allowing him to participate.

As someone who works in education they're doing the right thing, but I can appreciate that it's upsetting.

It is the running off. It’s a huge issue of safety for him and the other children.

I would push back in just one way. You don’t want to stigmatize him, so ask that either you are allowed to hang back at a distance and be called in only if needed or that you be given jobs so you blend in as just another parent volunteer. There is no reason for you to stand next to the group lurking.

Beavers leaders are unpaid volunteers, but these days the responsibility is huge. There are scout leaders facing criminal charges over a death on a trip. I totally understand why they are requested this, and if parents aren't willing to assist with such requests you may soon find there aren't any off site activities. I get that your son has been ok before and you don't want him to be treated differently, but the leaders have to risk assess. And in my experience most Beavers volunteers are parents, and other parents may well stay for trips as their young kids want them too or because the group as for extra volunteers (the ratios for adults are higher away from normal meeting place), so I doubt he'd stand out much.

It’s the absconding, they don’t want it to happen again. Nobody will bat an eyelid about you being there. Loads of parents help at scouts and guides or are leaders.

Personally my son loved beavers but would have hated staying away at that age. Now he loves it. If you are considering an assessment there may be a good reason for his ‘meltdown’. But he is also very young so it might just be that.

I’m sorry to hear this OP, I understand how you feel. However, I also understand the leaders’ perspective on this. As your DS tried to run away, I can see why they feel the risk is too great, as they are responsible for keeping him safe and also all the other children. If they are trying to prevent your child from running, this means less supervision for the other children.

I appreciate that this seems like a one-off situation, but it’s not outside the realms of possibility that something totally different could trigger him to try and run away on another occasion. This may seem unlikely, but I imagine it seemed unlikely that he would have reacted like that on this occasion, or you wouldn’t have sent him. The leaders now know that your son’s reaction to becoming distressed is to run away, or at least that was his reaction on this occasion, and it could be very dangerous. I can understand why, knowing that this is a possibility, they now feel the risk is just too high without parental supervision.

Any child with a known risk of absconding needs a 1:1

It doesn't matter how long he previously attended before the risk became known.

The existing volunteers cannot be the 1:1 that your child needs

I think you may be underestimated the seriousness of what happened at the camp, it must have caused significant concern for them to decide that he needs parental supervision at the next events. Hopefully this is just a phase, enjoy helping out at the next events and in time the extra support may not be needed. Work with the leaders so he continues to enjoy everything scouting has to offer.

He's a flight risk. It wasn't the getting upset, it was the running away. I wouldn't take responsibility for a runner either, he's a liability.

Try not to take it personally - it will have been made purely from a risk assessment perspective to ensure he and the other children are safe and looked after

I was asked to stay with my son each week during squirrels and at first I felt quite upset about it to be honest. But I went, and enjoyed it - getting involved with the other children and making friends with other parents and I’m now a scouts volunteer. Our Beavers regularly ask parents to attend for park visits etc so we regularly have a troop of parents alongside the kids - it’s good

It’s a great community and attending will not only support your son and the leaders but also you might get something out of it for you too

This seems reasonable to me too. They have to protect him, the other children and themselves. It will be part of their risk assessment.

Could you just say you are going along to help out? He might be delighted.

As others have said he is a flight risk

They can't risk him running off again and then having less staff to watch the other children while their searching for him, if somthing happened to any of the children including your son, the people in charge would be held responsible

A child who might elope needs a 1-2-1 outdoors - you are being asked to volunteer as that 1-2-1 as they can’t lose another leader to chasing your son if necessary, as that would leave others unattended or without adequate supervision.

I'm a Rainbow and Brownie leader. I'd be asking the same unless we had lots of other adult volunteers attending who could offer 1:1 support.

I'm not paid and the paperwork/administration is very time consuming already without having to deal with the fallout from a major incident.

If you are worried about him feeling awkward at being the only child with a parent present have you thought about signing up as a unit helper? The other kids would then just see you as another leader.

I'm surprised to hear of them staying overnight at Beavers and would have thought the first time they did that would be Cubs. DD2 was definitely in Brownies not Rainbows when she did her first camp. My DM was Baloo for a number of years at Cubs and cub camp at 8+ was the first time those lads had been away from home. Some Beavers are only 5 and 6 and that seems very young for a night away.

That said I would go along and help with the trip, and say to DS that I was helping out and not give the impression I was there to keep an eye on him.

it sounds a positive thing for you to support the trips. Our beaver group was always desperate for parent helpers on trips so just tell him that’s why you’re there and leave it at that. You’ll be able to watch from a distance. I used to find it helpful to see first hand how DS managed in a group so this could be a positive thing for you with you trying to understand his needs.

It's very reasonable and if you are looking into SEND you have realised that your child might need extra support. Scout leaders are unpaid and can rarely offer 1:1 supervision.

7 with potential SEND issues- there’s absolutely no way I’d be sending my DC away overnight in that scenario. It’s not in his best interests. There’s plenty of ways he can join in without staying overnight until he’s older and ready to.

Please remember these are volunteers who are giving up their free time for your child to be able to undertake these activities.

Thanks to those who left helpful, kind or constructive comments.

Im not really sure why I started this thread as deep down I absolutely know its a completely reasonable request and the right thing to do given the circumstances. Ive just opened myself up to judgement which in hindsight, was a mistake, as I'm not thick-skinned enough to take criticism from internet strangers.

I do want to say - I didnt actually want to send him on that camp (26 hours felt like a very long time for any child to be away, let alone a 7 year old) but was assured by friends and by the leaders that it was just my anxiety as a parent and that he'd be absolutely fine! Hes done plenty of school trips and things and been fine. But I felt on edge the entire time he was away. He was so excited about going and he was devastated when he had to be picked up and couldnt stay in the tent. But, you live and learn I suppose.

On reflection I think the thread should really have been, how do I manage my own emotions in this situation and stop being so sensitive about everything. Things like this just make me so sad, but thats less about the Beavers leaders decision (which as I've said, I respect) and more about my own issues and my struggle with the idea that he might be neurodiverse and what this means for his future (we're paying to go private for an assessment). Im clearly not coping very well with things if I cry over emails from Beavers volunteers!!

I know I need take this decision as a positive that they're wanting to look out for him and that it means he can still enjoy attending Beavers. And find some way of managing my own issues separately.

Thanks again and sorry for the silly emotional unhinged rant.

Perhaps it's emotive because you are looking into SEN and this feels like it may be the start of your ds always being treated differently and needing extra support. Go easy on yourself, there may be a long journey ahead and you need to learn to be kind to yourself asap.