DS(5) being a nightmare at school and at home and I’m struggling with how to manage him

[followtheswallow]

I was thinking about NCing as I really am upset about this and I know that some replies can sometimes be less than helpful, but I really do need advice.

DS started reception this September. Tiny school, mixed reception and year one class. He seemed to settle really well initially but I was made aware of a couple of things that were quite minor - having to be separated from another boy in class because of talking and at the church service. This came from ds himself rather than the teacher so I didn’t think too much of it.

Now we’re nearly at the end of reception and it feels like it’s just been a really poor start. He seems to be getting time outs almost daily but they aren’t reported to me. One of the problems is that his class teacher is also the deputy head and is often away on meetings and courses so I’m not sure there’s much continuity. He had a bad week last week and his teacher spoke to me at the end of the day - perhaps because feelings were high it wasn’t a hugely productive conversation.

At home, he’s become very angry. He is using very aggressive language we certainly don’t use at home - ‘don’t you DARE’ (said very aggressively) ‘shut up’ ‘you stupid mummy.’ I have tried to make it clear it won’t be tolerated and he gets an immediate time out but some evenings it happens so frequently I feel like he’s in and out of his room so I’m not sure how effective it is

Other factors are that he has a lot of problems with his ears - he is under the ENT for this and will be having grommets put in soon. He has been complaining recently about ear pain. DH has also had health issues so I wonder if that’s affected him.

All in all though, he is a troubled little boy at the moment and it’s really upsetting and distressing that he has apparently become That Child and I’m obviously enormously stressed that it’s going to hugely impact friendships and how he perceives himself.

Any advice appreciated!

As well as other advice above. Have a proper conversation with his teacher too. Make an appointment rather than a five minute chat at drop off / pick up. Get more information from them, tell them about the hearing problems and discuss what you’re all going to do.

I don’t want to be rude but this must be the third or fourth time I have said that he is copying school friends. It’s a bit exasperating when you have to keep returning to the same point over and over.

I have to admit I’m a bit reluctant to contact the teacher again but I will see how things go. He seems to have had a positive couple of days anyway.

The progress checker is from a really well respected SaLT charity but you’re right in that sometimes it can be overly cautious. Maybe try him with books without pictures or an audio book and see if he understands what’s happening?

Well, he follows audio books no problem, which I didn’t think of. Maybe I need the progress checker He is slightly behind where they’d like him to be phonics wise but it is only slightly and I think some of it is attitudinal rather than lack of ability.

Maybe you do!

So it looks as though he’s passed the progress checker from Speech & Language UK which given his hearing problems is really very good.

I think of it were me, I’d not mention behaviour at School and instead concentrate on things that will help to regulate him like sport, exercise and the things I mentioned earlier like meditation, high protein snacks and meals and even blowing bubbles.

Getting him outside either in the garden, park or on the woods should help too.

If you manage to get him nice and relaxed away from school and learn some ways of self regulation, then he’ll have a better chance in school of making the right choices

I had a severe (undiagnosed) hearing impairment as a kid, which wasn't resolved until I was about 10. So my earlier post about exhaustion was rooted in lived experience. The need to be alone was also part of my experience. Alone, I didn't have to mask my hearing experience, didn't have to work to hear or lipread. I could just sit, in silence, and gradually relax. When I was in that state, even cuddles were hard because the residual hearing I did have was muffled further, so I lost a sense, and then had to work harder to know what was going on around me.

If being alone helps him calm down and regulate, I'd make sure he's got a nice den/beanbag/etc he can go off and be alone, and an understanding that when he's in his space, he won't be bothered. That will help him develop the confidence to regulate.

He sounds like by the time he gets home each day he is highly dysregulated. Probably from fond Ng the class environment stressful but given we aren't there it's hard to know.

Firstly you need a proper meeting with the school where you and they discuss your concerns (As a parent I wouldn't be happy with my child reporting they have been in trouble each day and school aren't mentioning it to me).
What are school identifying as issues?
What support / strategies are they putting in place?
Do they understand his current ear issues and how that might affect his learning.

Raise your concerns about language he is using, where is it comomg.from? How are his social interactions in school?
School cancelled be an overwhelming place and sometimes a child can't identify exactly why straight away it can take trial and error and some detective work.

With respect to home
Do they have time and space to talk? Have they talked about other parents health worries?

My kids need wind down time after school to stay regulated

For us this looked like

Walking home whenever possible, snack for on the way home, chill out time when they got in. Didn't ask direct questions about day etc.. just general chit chat and let them lead the conversation.

We all do a lot of work.on.identify emotions and how we handle them (one of mine is on the spectrum but actually it's a great tool for all of us) so model how you deal with something by narrating
Or for example once they have done something that is not right got be yourselves both time to calm.down then approach with
I can see you were feeling really cross/ frustrated etc.... when that happened I wonder why you felt that way? It's ok to feel xyz but X is not a good way to deal with it shall we think.of.some other things that might help.next time?

Obviously as person who knows them beat you know what level of understanding they have.

Oh I also wouldn't be adverse to investigate other schools a fresh slate for everyone with clear communication all round isn't always a bad thing.

This is such an insightful comment. @followtheswallow it's great that your DS isn't behind with things due to his hearing impairment, but that doesn't mean that he isn't having to work very hard for that, or that it's not very tiring for him.

I'm not surprised if his fuse is short and he's getting into bother if he's exhausted and stressed from trying to keep up with the lessons.

Would it be worth talking to the teacher from this perspective, highlighting also the ear pain? Does he have any adjustments made for his hearing difficulties at school? For example, having a seat that faces the teacher? Sitting closer to the front of the class and during carpet time so that he can lip read more easily?

I'd also talk to him about how his hearing makes it harder for him and that it's understandable he's struggling a bit - to him it's normal though, so he might actually not realise that his experience is a bit different from his peers.

Obviously this doesn't excuse the rude names and shouting, but acknowledging what is hard for him helps put it in context for all of you.

Hearing loss is much more frustrating and disorientating in a noisy lunch hall than in a quiet classroom. I have volunteered in primary schools and I found the noise level of lots of chattering children quite difficult. I can only imagine how exhausting and bewildering it must be for a small child who has hearing loss.
Having grown up with a severely hearing impaired parent, I know only too well how differing environments make a huge difference.