DS(5) being a nightmare at school and at home and I’m struggling with how to manage him

[followtheswallow]

I was thinking about NCing as I really am upset about this and I know that some replies can sometimes be less than helpful, but I really do need advice.

DS started reception this September. Tiny school, mixed reception and year one class. He seemed to settle really well initially but I was made aware of a couple of things that were quite minor - having to be separated from another boy in class because of talking and at the church service. This came from ds himself rather than the teacher so I didn’t think too much of it.

Now we’re nearly at the end of reception and it feels like it’s just been a really poor start. He seems to be getting time outs almost daily but they aren’t reported to me. One of the problems is that his class teacher is also the deputy head and is often away on meetings and courses so I’m not sure there’s much continuity. He had a bad week last week and his teacher spoke to me at the end of the day - perhaps because feelings were high it wasn’t a hugely productive conversation.

At home, he’s become very angry. He is using very aggressive language we certainly don’t use at home - ‘don’t you DARE’ (said very aggressively) ‘shut up’ ‘you stupid mummy.’ I have tried to make it clear it won’t be tolerated and he gets an immediate time out but some evenings it happens so frequently I feel like he’s in and out of his room so I’m not sure how effective it is

Other factors are that he has a lot of problems with his ears - he is under the ENT for this and will be having grommets put in soon. He has been complaining recently about ear pain. DH has also had health issues so I wonder if that’s affected him.

All in all though, he is a troubled little boy at the moment and it’s really upsetting and distressing that he has apparently become That Child and I’m obviously enormously stressed that it’s going to hugely impact friendships and how he perceives himself.

Any advice appreciated!

I needed grommets as a child.

i got a lot of ear infections and honestly the pain from them is something else.

maybe do some work with him on communicating pain.
there are various pain scales that can be used with children - the faces one is the most common but this gives a rough guide.

https://www.mkuh.nhs.uk/patient-information-leaflet/pain-assessment-a-guide-for-parents-carers

if school are not already aware of this make them aware and ask for help such as sitting at the front at carpet time, asking him to repeat instructions back etc.

@followtheswallow

If you've not already told the school, I'd tell them about him using that phrase "I'm going to burn you" in particular. It's not something a child who's grown up in a calm home just comes up with, even when they're in the language experimentation phase.

While I appreciate it's "not your problem", hearing that gives me the cold chills that there's a child in his class who has been threatened with being burned by an adult in their life, and they are at risk of abusive injury.

Poor little boy. And poor you. The ears will be a big factor, but it might be the wrong school for him. How is he at the end of the school holidays, for example? Or on Sunday mornings once school has worn off a bit?

It’s horrible but I know where (or rather who) it’s come from and I’m pretty sure it’s inappropriate TV / video games rather than adults threatening, which still isn’t great of course but there.

Just cuddle him more, find pain relief if you can, and help him feel good about himself. I wouldn’t even think of changing schools or anything like that.

Hi

I'm in a FB group for spirited kids and maybe they would have some advice. They also recommend a few books that I can't think of right now.

My 3.9y is more everything at home but well liked at nursery. However one nursery worker did say, oh you are in a good mood today DC, so he obviously isn't an angel all the time there.

I didn’t know about pain scales. That’s very good advice.

keep reminding yourself that all behaviour is communication - something is upsetting him . When he shouts/ becomes rude etc you could try saying ‘ I can see you are feeling really cross right now ‘ and see how he responds . You can follow it up with ‘ what do you need right now ‘ ? Maybe a hug ? Then , when calmer you can talk to him about why it’s not ok to shout / be rude and find an alternative way to express - maybe a safe place under a blanket or a run around the garden to feel calmer . He’s only 5, school is exhausting, emotions are big and scary at times , keep reinforcing that he is safe / loved at home

Poor kid. Work on trying to understand him ffs.

Even some larger schools are beginning to have to introduce some mixed age classes due to falling birth rate, so don’t move schools just for that reason. And most classes will have at least one child who will have behavioural issues which may impact your DC

Have you read up on time in, rather than time out? Sarah Naish is a great resource.

Thanks. Time in is a good concept but when he’s very wound up he does need some time alone otherwise he just keeps getting angry. I also have a younger child who would follow us.

He seemed to have a better day yesterday but it’s hard to know. I think it tends to be lunch if he runs into problems and I don’t always hear about this.

I think you need to forget demonising language like "dont you dare" and focus more on obedience and responsibility. I have a friend who focuses too much on her kid using "lovely words" when the kid just needs to do as he's told when he's told to do it. That is the issue everyone has with him.

Are you reading him any books about anger and emotions? If not, we can recommend some or your local library are usually good at recommendations

Have you ever had a proper meeting with the class teacher / senco? What behaviours do they see at school and what triggers / causes them.

Bad behaviour is often communication that something is not right. Get to the bottom of that and things will improve. Focus on your child rather than where it has come from.

Address your own feelings about having ‘that kid’. Make sure you are responding to the behaviour and not your embarrassment how others perceive him or shame over what he has done.

OP I would try and ease back on the punishment/time outs at home and try ignoring/distraction for as much of it as you can. He's already getting punishments at school and he's only 5 and obviously struggling. The problem with his ears and hearing are probably causing his issues and he's exhausted by the end of the school day. He's just picking up on language from other children at school and you can deal with it calmly by saying 'we don't speak to each other like that in this house' and then move on quickly to let's go in the garden or help mummy with this etc - distraction instead of punishment.

I don't know about moving schools - what happens if the problems persist in his new school? I would ask for a meeting with his teacher, explain the difficulties with his hearing and ask for a positive behaviour plan that you can follow through at home as well as school, consistency is important. He needs support not punishment if he's already struggling.

Don't underestimate how difficult the last half term before summer is. Everyone is at the end of their tether by now and the summer break is still a way away. I would try and keep things as calm as possible for him at home. Also have a punch bag or cushion where he is allowed to take out his frustrations. Do you have a timescale for the grommets to be put in?

I think parents and teachers sometimes forget that 5 years old first year in reception is exausting and the children take time to learn new rules , adapt to other children’s behaviour and the sometimes unreasonable expectations of teachers who are under stress to get the children to a certain level before year 1! If your son had additional problems with his hearing he may be missing instructions or mishearing too . I’d push for a faster appointment to get his grommets fitted first. If he’s getting negative attention in school try be positive at home allows him time to wind down , invite a classmate home to have tea and play , once they develop a strong friendship this can help with behaviour too . Try and praise good behaviour and ignore bad when possible but still remind him that you won’t accept being called stupid etc . I wouldn’t move schools yet , he may got on better with his next teacher as that could change too .

Poor child can't hear and is in pain. That is a lot for a 5 year old to deal with.

The language he is repeating is extremely worrying and needs to be investigated urgently.

Thanks, I’d be interested

I’m not being especially harsh with punishments but I also do have to have some lines in the sand sort of thing. As he does get very argumentative which can be draining and also push you past your point of being able to deal with it calmly anyway!

I have tried a couple of play dates but they haven’t yet been reciprocated and I don’t want to keep asking / seem pushy.

Sorting out his ears will help a lot. Do you have temporary help like sinus sprays/rinse and decongestants? I’m not sure what’s suitable at this age but your gp could help more. Even hay fever can block ears and it can feel miserable,

id make sure no access to video games as that language isn’t great. I know so many parents who say it’s good for socialising, dexterity etc but honestly they seem to cause more issues than solve.

Of you’re interested in books about anger, the Book Trust have some age appropriate suggestions here although like I said, your library might have a few

There is a book on emotions called My Many Coloured Days which might be useful in getting him to think about his emotions too.

Games can be good for teaching them things like sharing and turn taking. I used to get some Orchard Games from the local charity shops. You might find this card game helpful as well.

What does he have at the moment to help him regulate?

Things like a weighted blanket at night, a high protein breakfast and introducing him to meditation before bed all should help to even out his anger. There are a few meditations for DC on YouTube.

Have you thought of introducing a small indoor trampoline too? These can really help.

If the play dates haven’t been reciprocated, it could be for a
number of reasons. I would ask them again

Sorry forgot to ask, how does he do on this simple progress checker?

he doesn’t play video games @Newgirls but at least two children he’s friends with at school do and of course I can’t control that.

I’m not interpreting any adverse inference from the play dates: just that people are busy and coordinating turns can be tough.

I take that simple progress checker with a little pinch of salt, as I answered ‘not sure’ to one question (about if he understands books without pictures, as we haven’t really read any without pictures!) and it came back as him needing more support with understanding. Everything else was a yes.

Id be really concerned about what he's watching on youtube or similar because where is hearing stuff like that. At 5 he isnt coming up with 'im going to burn you' on his own, he's hearing this language somewhere and its not appropriate. If he's watching /hearing aggressive stuff it will impact on his behaviour.