DS(5) being a nightmare at school and at home and I’m struggling with how to manage him

[followtheswallow]

I was thinking about NCing as I really am upset about this and I know that some replies can sometimes be less than helpful, but I really do need advice.

DS started reception this September. Tiny school, mixed reception and year one class. He seemed to settle really well initially but I was made aware of a couple of things that were quite minor - having to be separated from another boy in class because of talking and at the church service. This came from ds himself rather than the teacher so I didn’t think too much of it.

Now we’re nearly at the end of reception and it feels like it’s just been a really poor start. He seems to be getting time outs almost daily but they aren’t reported to me. One of the problems is that his class teacher is also the deputy head and is often away on meetings and courses so I’m not sure there’s much continuity. He had a bad week last week and his teacher spoke to me at the end of the day - perhaps because feelings were high it wasn’t a hugely productive conversation.

At home, he’s become very angry. He is using very aggressive language we certainly don’t use at home - ‘don’t you DARE’ (said very aggressively) ‘shut up’ ‘you stupid mummy.’ I have tried to make it clear it won’t be tolerated and he gets an immediate time out but some evenings it happens so frequently I feel like he’s in and out of his room so I’m not sure how effective it is

Other factors are that he has a lot of problems with his ears - he is under the ENT for this and will be having grommets put in soon. He has been complaining recently about ear pain. DH has also had health issues so I wonder if that’s affected him.

All in all though, he is a troubled little boy at the moment and it’s really upsetting and distressing that he has apparently become That Child and I’m obviously enormously stressed that it’s going to hugely impact friendships and how he perceives himself.

Any advice appreciated!

What does “perhaps because feelings were high it wasn’t a hugely productive conversation” regarding speak to the teacher mean?

Just that it was the end of the day, she was clearly annoyed and so I am not sure I got a particularly clear idea with what had actually happened or what has been happening in a broader sense.

if he is struggling to hear and in pain then this will have a massive impact on his behaviour. Try and have a chat with him when he is calm to see how he is feeling. Have his ear issues been flagged to the teacher? Have you tried him with some calpol before school to see if that helps.

Thank you. It does impact his behaviour, he becomes notably irritable and angry which is understandable. He isn’t the best at verbalising when he is in pain / hungry and so on.

If he’s been complaining of his ears again recently, have you taken him back to the GP? Is he getting any support like SaLT?

Time outs in bedroom, that have never been recommended, see if there are any parenting courses that you can book onto to brush up on your behaviour management skills. Hope he gets his ears sorted very soon.

It’s way beyond the GP; he’s under an ENT consultant and is waiting for grommets.

It might be more helpful if you tell me what I should be doing @Skybluepinky as I’m struggling for other strategies, to be honest. Yes, I do praise him a lot as well but ultimately if he’s saying ‘I am going to burn you’ or ‘shut up idiot’ that absolutely isn’t going to be tolerated. (It isn’t even intended to be punitive, just to stop the situation escalating.)

There are disadvantages to very small schools, as you have experienced and outlined. Mixed year groups are also problematic at that age. I would consider moving him to a different and bigger school - more choice of friends for a start.

Funnily enough I have been wondering about that but I’m worried it could be more of the same, or worse! So difficult - I wish I had a crystal ball (don’t we all.) On the one hand, if I am going to move him it would be sensible to do so at the end of reception; on the other it seems a bit knee-jerky.

Sorry I just thought if he was in pain it might be a new infection?

If he's struggling to hear or lipread, he will rapidly become exhausted and overwhelmed, leading to the shouting and poor behaviour. Speak to his teacher about strategies to improve his audio experience - sitting at the front of the class, always being faced by the teacher when they are speaking, depending on his language skills being given either short written prompts or a social story so he understands what is happening around him. Don't underestimate how disabling even a mild hearing loss can be if no supportive measures are in place to assist him.

Spend at least 15 minutes a day doing something with him that he wants to do.

Even adults who struggle with hearing get frustrated. Your DS is probably experiencing a lot of frustration and is having trouble expressing his emotions. Be extra kind to him and explain the situation again to his school.

'I am going to burn you'? Where has he heard that or who's said it to him? That would worry me.

'You stupid mummy' I can understand him forming from something similar he's heard someone say. 'That's rude, we don't call people stupid in this house'.

What does he like? Thinking of carrot/stick where you have rewards as well as sanctions - but not going to his room. Removing or losing screen time?

Thanks all. I do think the ears are a big part of the problem. I’m really hoping we get the date for grommets confirmed soon.

He has heard some awful things from another boy in his class who unfortunately he does gravitate to.

There’s a similar thread on MN about a little girl being very rude to her family. What’s going on these days?

Sounds like the poor little thing is in pain - which will make him feel like he doesnt want to be nice and more short tempered. Might also be affecting his sleeping and making him grumpy? Can you keep him off school for a few days to reset? Maybe another trip to gp/ENT to check it out and poss pain relief?

Might be worth asking for him to be separated from other boy where possible? As some kids don't bring out the best in each other...(i spk from experience).

I’d be looking for a new school and a fresh start.

Firstly, pain and hearing problems are going to make things hard for him, classrooms aren't generally friendly for children with hearing loss as the sounds bounce off the walls and it's hard for them to interact with others, particularly if he's not always hearing instructions correctly. It makes for a long day for him is it possible to give him a couple of days at home when he's in pain?
The behaviours, do you have another area you can use instead of his bedroom?
It also presents like he's struggling at school and then lashing out a bit at home, is there something he likes to do when he's tired etc?

I think I would start fresh in a new school. Double stream Y1 so there are at least 60 children in his year group to become peers. Make sure the school now about his hearing loss and have pain meds available for him there. Bigger schools tend to have more spaces like breakout rooms, therapy rooms, nurture rooms and quiet spaces which he would probably benefit from. A mini Yoto with good noise cancelling headphones might also give him relief from the busy classroom background noise.

I would consider an ECHP. Are his hearing problems having an impact on his phonics?

Read lots of picture books about emotions and peer relationships with him. Your librarian will be able to help.

I found Decider Skills parent training very helpful for DD1. Lots of great strategies to deploy with clear visuals. Our local CAMHS runs them remotely every month.

I think he needs lots of compassion. He’s really struggling with a disability and pain. You try modelling arguments with your husband as is done in nurture spaces. It helps children understand appropriate ways to argue when there is a disagreement.

Since you don’t use or tolerate the things he is saying, it is possible he is repeating what teachers have been saying to him:

‘don’t you DARE’ (said very aggressively)
’shut up’
‘you stupid boy mummy.’
‘I am going to burn you’ or
‘shut up idiot’

I would be very concerned that the staff are bullying him.

I think it's much more likely he's repeating the language used by another child who's had those things yelled at them by their parent.....

I just wanted to offer some reassurance. My son had similar ear issues around 3. He was in pain constant infections not hearing so not developing speech so he we was tired angry whirlwind of frustration. Within a month of the grommets going in he was sleeping better and hearing better it was like having a different child.

Yes, I am fairly sure this has happened. His teacher was clearly cross last week but I am positive she’d never speak like this to him or any other member of staff

Thanks for the compassion. I’ve had a really lovely bedtime with him, he’s good one to one.

His sleep is fine to be fair. It’s one of the (many!) great things about him: he eats, he sleeps. I do think his ears have a big impact day to day though.

His phonics are affected but he is only slightly behind where he should be.

I am really grateful for the kindness. New school … argghh I don’t know. It’s so difficult to know what’s best!

I don’t think the mixed age class is the issue. If he’s got hearing problems he should be on the send list and the school should be putting extra support in place. I’ve got a child with problems in a small village school with mixed age classes no ECHP but support is in place