Totally overwhelmed by bedtime while parenting solo

[Statsinyoureyes]

I'm posting for a whinge, pure and simple. I have two wonderful DC - DS aged 8 and DD aged 5. I love them so much but evenings are just ruining my life every single day.

For context, although I am married to their Dad he works away most of the week and is back the odd evening. This is compulsory training so he can't change it, and it's been nearly a year.

My kids do NOT sleep. I have tried everything, we have such a solid routine. They both have a lot of fears and anxieties, one being that they hate bedtime, so i have to stay upstairs with them from the moment we go up. They have separate rooms (it was a nightmare when they shared, they either fought all night or stayed up giggling and bedhopping). When I'm with one, the other will come in. I get them in their rooms as early as humanly possible and then I try to have a tiny bit of time to myself, I normally have a bath or read in bed as I can't go downstairs without them following me. Tje 8 yo is regularly up until 11, coming into my room or bathroom repeatedly, and the 5 yo regularly until 10pm or later. Right now I'm in the bath and she is constantly coming in whining, or shouting at me, it's literally every 2 minutes. Nothing I do works, I feel like I've tried everything. I'm consumed by guilt because these bedtimes are far too late. I also get so angry I end up shouting every evening and basically begging for 5 minutes peace. I've just told my daughter to shut up, i feel terrible. She's still shouting at me that she's acared, needs a plaster, a wee, some water, she's had all these things. Now she's crying because i shouted. What do I do?! I work full time, I never get to exercise, sit and watch TV, have a drink, or anything. My natural bedtime is 10pm but i can't aleep until they stop bothering me, which can be 11.30. Then they often wet the bed and then come and wake me up in the middle of the night amd won'tgo back to their rooms. I'm just so so fed up of it.

I don't have any real advice but wanted to acknowledge how hard to that seems xx

They need an hour's walk before a bath and bed.. And yes get cross. Everyone needs sleep. Ime parents need to educate themselves on the long term effects of lack of sleep. The repercussions need to be harsh imo.. What are they at the moment?

What time are you trying to put them to bed - as in lights out?

Sounds awful OP. Seems odd for them to be so anxious about bed time and to be still wetting the bed at their ages. Do you talk to them about it during the day to find out what they are scared of?

Any additional needs?

Shut their doors and stop engaging for 3 nights in a row. If they open the door (apart from the toilet or an emergency) they get a consequence like no screens the next day, or an activity taken off them. They need a hard reset. Sit on the landing, as annoying as it is, and don't be broken.

What have you tried so far?

I work til 5pm but I could take them for a walk after that I guess, I'll give it a go. The consequences are I'm always grumpy and have no energy and am fat and burned out. The consequences for them are time outs, removal of screentime.

I would have a new rule - mum clocks off at 8pm.
They can do what they like after that - read, draw, play - so long as it is quiet and in their rooms.
They are not allowed to leave their rooms (except for the bathroom) or come downstairs. Absolutely no shouting downstairs.

Some kind of system of sanctions and rewards to enforce it.

You might be putting them to bed too early. Personally, at age 8 I was going to bed around 10/10.30 pm, I didn't need more sleep than that. I also slept with my mum until I was 7, so your expectations of your 5 year old might be too high.

Be angry with your DH for leaving you to be a solo parent. Then find a different approach. Putting them.to bed and having a quiet evening to yourself will just not happen for you, not for years.

How about going to bed early with both of them and wake up early and have the morning to yourself?

Oooof that sounds impossibly hard. I haven't reached that stage of parenting yet, but from an outside perspective can you tackle each problem individually? Water bottle in their room, etc., to cut off the most common excuses.

Then I would agree with PP, firmly return them to their room every night for a week. "Its time for sleep now, let's go to your room. Love you, good night." If they're not able to settle the first time without you, they probably won't be able to settle the subsequent time. Do you lie down with them or sit on a chair in their room?

If they're waking up early despite this, they're probably low sleep needs. Pushing bedtime back or waking earlier could help?

What have you tried? They obviously get attention for their behaviour which is why they continue to act like that, so as hard as it is, the good old fashioned back to bed with no attention every time.

We have dinner about 5.30 then they play for a short while whilst I clean the kitchen as I can't do that later on. Try and get them upstairs by about 7. Read to the little one for half an hour, then she can read in her bed so long as she doesnt bother me (haha) whilst I do half an hour with DS. Then little one is meant to go to sleep so about 8. Big one can read or draw for half an hour.

Every other day or so it's bath night so timings are 30 mins or so later.

But none of this works! They are still both wide awake

I suspect ADHD, it is present in my family and. Dh's. DS is awaiting assessment

Thanks so much for all the kind responses. I'm sure I'm feeding the chaos by getting so stressed, it's just hard to reset

You can still insist on them being in their own rooms and quiet, even if not asleep. ADHD does affect sleep routines and rhythms, and melatonin might be suitable in later years.

I feel your pain, my 4yo is a hyperactive nightmare at bedtime, but my 7yo is fine these days.

Why do you think they are so anxious? The bedwetting seems unusual at their ages. Is everything OK at home?

Maybe you could have some me time when your husband is at home?

Mine are both late sleepers, eldest is 10 and he’s usually around 9:00, youngest is 5 and he’s between 9/9:30. Don’t even bother trying to go upstairs until 8ish. We do get them out tor an after dinner walk if the weather permits - it really does help. Then while big showers I read with little, big then gets into bed and reads while small one settles. I’ll then go between their rooms until they’re asleep (dh isn’t around for bedtime 3/4 nights a week) it’s a nuisance but it’s what works for us. Sending them upstairs at 7 would just result in friction all round.

Hey OP I did a phd on children’s sleep (although before becoming a parent and thought I knew it all).
One of the interventions that a sleep doctor will give you is ‘bedtime fading’ which you might want to check out: https://parentingscience.com/bedtime-fading/

Op what about an audiobook or a Tonie box?? But they have to stay in their room to get it. Sending hugs it sounds like a really tough time x

I would try melatonin for the 8 yr old in your shoes, although you have to order from abroad as it’s not OTC here. Even if you wouldn’t want to use it long term, if it helps then you will know your child is actually tired but has a problem with getting sleepy (can be a sign of Adhd/SN)

They both have a yoto, which they listen to every night. Thanks for the suggestion though, I appreciate it!

Thank you. I do actually have some that was given to me by a friend in Ireland as you can buy it OTC there. But I've never used it, a family friend who is a doctor ia against it which has kind of put me off. I doubt DH would allow it either.

Your own stress levels will be a factor as you say. Kids can bloody sense it!

When my youngest atarted acting up, I let her sleep in my bed. I know that sound counterproductive, but at first I lay next to her, then she would get in and I would say goodnight and ‘pop downstairs to finished the tidying up’ she’d then fall asleep quickly and I’d get my me time.
I then just started transferring her to her own bed then Eventually just sit with her for a bit in her own bed. It seemed to provide the reset we both needed.

It's not up to him, he isn't dealing with it is he?

I used to lie with them until they went to sleep but as DD stayed up later and later it became impossible as DS would be waiting for me for hours. And i just became so sick of lying in dark rooms until 11.30pm with kids wriggling and whinging. So I switched to sitting in their rooms, and then to being upstairs, which is where we are now. I realise these posts make me sound heartless. I adore my kids. I breastfed both until over 2, and Coslept with them for several years. I just have reached the stage where I'm finding it all so overwhelming!