Totally overwhelmed by bedtime while parenting solo

[Statsinyoureyes]

I'm posting for a whinge, pure and simple. I have two wonderful DC - DS aged 8 and DD aged 5. I love them so much but evenings are just ruining my life every single day.

For context, although I am married to their Dad he works away most of the week and is back the odd evening. This is compulsory training so he can't change it, and it's been nearly a year.

My kids do NOT sleep. I have tried everything, we have such a solid routine. They both have a lot of fears and anxieties, one being that they hate bedtime, so i have to stay upstairs with them from the moment we go up. They have separate rooms (it was a nightmare when they shared, they either fought all night or stayed up giggling and bedhopping). When I'm with one, the other will come in. I get them in their rooms as early as humanly possible and then I try to have a tiny bit of time to myself, I normally have a bath or read in bed as I can't go downstairs without them following me. Tje 8 yo is regularly up until 11, coming into my room or bathroom repeatedly, and the 5 yo regularly until 10pm or later. Right now I'm in the bath and she is constantly coming in whining, or shouting at me, it's literally every 2 minutes. Nothing I do works, I feel like I've tried everything. I'm consumed by guilt because these bedtimes are far too late. I also get so angry I end up shouting every evening and basically begging for 5 minutes peace. I've just told my daughter to shut up, i feel terrible. She's still shouting at me that she's acared, needs a plaster, a wee, some water, she's had all these things. Now she's crying because i shouted. What do I do?! I work full time, I never get to exercise, sit and watch TV, have a drink, or anything. My natural bedtime is 10pm but i can't aleep until they stop bothering me, which can be 11.30. Then they often wet the bed and then come and wake me up in the middle of the night amd won'tgo back to their rooms. I'm just so so fed up of it.

Just wanted to say I am so grateful for all these responses, I wasnt expecting it. I can't reply to everyone but there are so many great ideas and I will give them a go. Thank you again!

I scanned the thread quickly so apologies if this has already been mentioned! The ADHD link is most definitely worth exploring - it runs in my family too & shocking sleep tends to go with it. Literally everyone I'm related too who's been diagnosed has trouble falling asleep, and it's the main reason I am monitoring my eldest for it. His brain literally cannot shut off at night to fall asleep, he also takes an exceptionally long time despite a water right routine.

My DBs Dr mentioned a link to melatonin receptors and ADHD. I think you can get melatonin tested; potentially something you can look in too.

I don't know why everyone is jumping to ADHA.

I know it comes with different sleep patterns but surely it is more likely that the children are going through a normal intellectual/emotional development stage where they are starting to understand that separation (through sleep, the dark etc) could have consequences.

Building their resilience in this is very important, it is the beginning of character building and competence.

They need to learn that they can do this, and even if they do not want to do it they have to do it, because it is bed time, because their body and mind needs rest, and because "I said so."

That should come before any drug.

Given that, I do know how exhausting it all is.

Because the OP said it's in her family and her dh's family, ADHD is inherited and even more so if it's on both sides, and one child is waiting on assessment. And these sleep issues are very common in children with ADHD.

Disagree with all of this.

This isn't going to help OP.
Nonsense.

First of all , huge sympathies as you must be exhausted. Secondly as others have said, they are probably picking up on your stress which will make them more anxious, and shouting won’t help that !! ( I know you’re human, I’m referring to those that recommended it!) I’d pretend to edge it a little later by putting the clock forward ( say, 9pm at 8 pm) and then have talking books , calm lighting etc in their rooms. By trying to make the later night a huge adventure/ treat it might diffuse a little anxiety - then plan a treat either by them earning stars for staying in bed- or if that’s too much of an impossible dream at the moment - giving them a jar of marbles where you remove one each time they get up - however many they have left at the end of the week depends on the treat. Does their routine go completely awry at the weekends? If so wait till Monday- and please please take some time out for yourself to rest and recuperate - even if just a few hours!!! Good luck.

Me too! I had a toddler (18 month old who makes me cry every bedtime) I think I mentioned it on some otter post about bed time battles. I spend the day being fearful about what night time will be like! She is wonderful with naps and during the day it’s like she comes alive at night… I feel awful she sleeps so little for her age. I haven’t even got to the point of not having time for myself it’s more the guilt I feel that she is sleeping/resting age appropriately! Solidarity OP

What if you put them to bed and then had a bedroom only rule post X oclock for big one and Y o'clock for little one. Once the time hits, if they arent ready to sleep fine, but its quite time alone in their room

You take them up before - maybe let DC1 watch some TV downstairs while you take up DC2. Teeth, tuck in and story.

Followed by 5mins sitting quietly with you. Once its bedroom time you leave. With a bottle of water by their bed.

No screens. No electric toys. No tv post bedroom time. Just low lighting, books and quiet time and an opportunity to settle.

And if they get up, unless you believe theyre sick tell them you love them. Tell them its bed time. Put them back in bed and walk out.

All calm, all cosy, all low energy. And itll be shit for a bit but they'll get it

My eldest son who is 8 is autistic and has such bad anxiety that he struggles to sleep. He also wets the bed so he is on night time pull ups. I suggest that you put them in Night time pull ups too, it will make life much easier. They won’t need them forever.
i used to be like you and get really stressed and try and put him to bed at an early time. Then I realised it just wasn’t working. My advice is to let them stay up late, not ideal I know but if ND is involved you have to do things differently, using tactics you would use with a neurotypical child won’t work. Let them have tablets for an hour or so to give you time to yourself. Try settling them around 930/10. It takes away the stress. I lie down with both of mine at the same time to settle them.
If anxiety is involved bedtimes are worse as this is when you start to switch off and the fears come, try tapping their backs and reassuring them everything is ok. Try hard not to get angry with them as it makes it worse (believe me no judgement I’ve been there).
Good luck from a tired single mom with a neurodivergent child I totally understand.

OP you need a total reset. You say goodnight after the bath, bedtime reading, you tuck them in with kisses ans hugs but you tell them you need a rest and to eat and they don’t come out their rooms unless they need the toilet, you go downstairs and you stick to it. After 8pm is your time. if they come down to ask for anything or whinge, it’s no you go back to your bed please. I bet in a weeks time things will be different. You need to look after yourself to be the best mummy to them, this is the kindest thing to do

do they go to an afterschool club or do you pick them up from school and then have to crack on working. My son goes to afterschool club…. And is tired when he gets home…. They take them to the park every day it’s good weather and they have a lot of different things to do indoors - dodgeball, crafts, parachute games. My son comes home well socialised and a little more tired. Yes it’s a cost but it helps him. I can’t really advise on bedtimes as he’s now 10. But now he goes to bed at 9 and can read till 9.30 . Sometimes he doesn’t want to sometimes I go in and he’s asleep with his book on his wee face. I’d be looking at ways to tire them out physically and mentally. But that’s just my 10 cents.

It’s harder for you though as if I am feeling the need to shout I can get my hubby to take over and go take some deep breaths…. You don’t have that luxury.

my son got into showering rather than bathing at age 7….. it’s so much easier now he knows what he’s doing. My hubby took over supervising it then as he needed someone to talk to about cleaning his “man bits”. Maybe when your partner is home for an extended period of time he could step in getting that started?

I might be harsh, but i’d tell them if they keep coming into my bedroom then you’ll be going downstairs. Sounds like they are ruling the roost and they are not getting enough sleep. Both are old enough to not cause mayhem at bed time. You need a reset with some rules, and throw in some rewards if you like, but stick to any consequences.

This is really helpful!! Thank you, my youngest thinks bedtime is for gymnastics & shouting, it’s quite literally bringing me & my son to our knees. I have hope that this will work!! x

Firstly have the school mentioned they are concerned about ADHD or ASD I. Asking just to rule out. If not and there are no other problems Have you asked what they are worried about, why are they so anxious. Has it always been like this or did it start when their dad started working late. Start afresh. Tell them that you will stay up the stairs with them, but only if they stay in their own rooms, you can leave their doors slightly ajar. Go to your room and leave your door open, read or take a bath. Refuse to get out of the bath. Stick to your guns. Reward them for staying in their rooms. To start with you can talk to them from your room to let them know you are there, as long as they don’t come out. Make the time longer each time. As for wetting the bed I believe they do it because they can and it gets your attention, or perhaps they are scared to use the bathroom alone. Can you keep a light on in the bathroom. I’d sort the going to sleep alone first and deal with the bedwetting later. Just a bit of advice from someone who has had anxiety as a child and hated going upstairs alone to bed. I would need the light on and hated flushing the toilet because of the noise. My parents were always kind when I woke during the night and asked to sleep with my mum, poor dad had to go to my room. Reassurance helped loads. I have ADHD if that helps and an over active imagination.

I know she’s probably unpopular these days but try the Super Nanny bedtime techniques. Do it to the letter.

What I would relax on is with the older one allowing him to play quietly in bed with a couple of small toys or read to himself as long as he stays in bed and doesn’t get up or make a noise. I did this with my child who had ADHD and I’d go up later to check and often find they’d turned the light off independently and gone to sleep

Would you deprive yourself of a drink in the night if you were thirsty?!
Having a drink is a basic human right as much as going to the toilet! 🤦‍♀️

I was about to say put them in your bed to sleep then move them when sleeping but not if bed wetting !

I was thinking this. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and my son who is 8 also has been and we have the same bedtime struggles it’s exhausting. I also solo parent. He’s much more independent now so I do get more time to myself but he constantly comes up with excuses to get out of bed like yours and getting him up in the morning is a nightmare. I’m the same though I struggle in a morning and struggle to switch off. I suspect the anxiety may be because they know they should be going to sleep and probably know it’s hard on you, but they can’t switch off. I defo feel your pain and hope it gets easier for you. I think from the sounds of it you are doing so well with trying with a routine. I need to be stricter with stuff like that 100%, I don’t help myself! I take all my stuff off my son and find drawings the next day in his room like he will always find something to do. You are doing so so well honestly. I haven’t read to the end of the comments so sorry if I am repeating anything anyone else has said xx

Really feel for you OP! I have 2 kids 4 and 9 so similar ages who have always had really tough bedtimes and late sleep times.I am lucky in that I have DH home to share the load but honestly don't know how i would manage if not....it is soo stressful and I don't think there is an easy fix.If your kids are anything like mine it's not as easy as just asking them not to come out of their rooms, not engage in conversation etc, and I do think it is important to validate and hear their fears/worries as bedtime is often the time they need to talk that sort of thing through in order to settle.

This is very hard OP but I think shows for other readers the importance of good routines from the absolute get go and of nipping things in the bud straight away. Mine are late teens now but I simply never allowed this stuff and so it was never a problem, genuinely. Their routines were busy day with lots play and exercise, family meal, more play or TV depending on age then up the stairs to teeth brushing, a story, nursery songs when younger, big cuddle and I love you then out the door. Rinse and repeat. You teach people how to treat you, including children. I know people will say I was lucky to have such compliant children - in fact they both have strong personalities - but this strong framework provided all of us with what we needed to live well. Me included