Parents just ‘using’ the grandparents

[Twilighthour]

So when I was a child we would go
and see our grandparents or they would come and see us rather in the same
way you may go and see a family friend and as grandchildren this was fine and we looked forward to the visits whether they be once a year or more frequently depending on what was going on with everyone’s lives.
Why is it that parents these days seem to expect so much of the grandparents, sounds like a really onerous task to be a grandparent these days with such expectations, whereas I always thought being a grandparent was meant to be the grandchildren popping around with posies chocolates and cuddles after years spent slogging it out as a parent and you both just enjoying spending a bit of time together

I don’t expect anything of my parents. They live round the corner though so it would be a bit weird to only see them once a year!
My youngest is disabled and there is no childcare and no babysitters available for him, so they do have him occasionally so we can have a bit of time to ourselves. Offered, not expected.
My paternal grandma had my brother and I overnight every Saturday night while my parents went out, and my maternal grandma had us 2 days a week after school while my parents worked, so they did way more childcare than my parents do.

I don't necessarily agree with your assessment of the current situation but if you are right it could be because many more families have 2 full time working parents...

• less time to nip round after school with her grandkids

• kids are in more clubs and hobbies - again less time to visit in a weekend/after achool
• childcare costs a fortune, parents genuinely need any help grandparents offer for childcare
• families are less likely to live near extended family/grandparents - harder to visit on a weekend

I don’t think it’s a new thing. We visited my nanna more or less every day and I would stay over often to keep her company. My mam now adores having my daughter and takes her to mother and toddler groups when she watches her 1 or 2 days a week. She loves it and they have a lovely bond. My mother in law is not in as good health so we wouldn’t dream of expecting her to watch her. We make the effort to visit with our daughter so she sees her but they’re is no expectations. Both have a lovely relationship with their grandaughter and would both be heartbroken to see her once a year.

I think OP that the image of them bringing you posies and chocolates sounds like you expect the relationship to be about what you receive, rather than anyone else. That is self centred.

I’ve never took my grandparents a posy! Is that a thing? We saw them all the time.

Well, parents these days are often juggling and struggling far more than in days gone by. My SIL for example, couldn’t have kept her job without her parents helping with dns.

Would be fascinated to know your age, sex and care-giving status OP

It wasn’t for us as children, we enjoyed spending time with them, the crafts they would do with us, the treats they would give us and they seemed to enjoy that too but nothing of them was expected of them behind the scenes, although they would cook and host for us just as our parents would do the same for them. It just was never about what the parents got out of it, rather just a genuine relationship between grandchildren and grandparents

I’m a mother in my 40s, work part time with 1 toddler and 2 primary aged children

Well every family dynamic is different I guess. As I said, my grandparents provided far more childcare to us than my parents do for our children, so I personally don’t really recognise the situation in your OP.

We just arrange our jobs around available
childcare and pay for it ourselves, have had to call on parents in dire emergency but otherwise we wouldn’t want to put on them
when there is an alternative. Noticed many of parents who use GP for childcare seem to be able to afford things we can’t like holidays, meals out etc so not sure it’s all necessity

I spent loads of time with my grandparents, my parents are not like that at all despite being retired can count on my fingers how many times they’ve babysat in 15 years!

I suppose if both parties are genuinely really happy about the arrangement then there’s obviously nothing wrong with that but just read on here all the time of people complaining the GP are not ‘putting in enough effort’

Eh? When I was young I saw my grandparents weekly. When mine were small my parents saw them every Sunday and they stayed with the once every few weeks. Now I'm a nanny I see mine once per month because they like 3 hours away.

Why should they have too or even want to? it’s a bit like your GP may have been in the local theatre group or volunteer for the St John’s ambulance as just something they wanted to do, then why would your parents have been obliged to do the same?

I think it’s a combination of factors, one of them being that retirement age is now 67 for me, I’ll be paying my mortgage till I’m 60 probably. Another factor is the lack of preventative medicine, when you reach a certain age, you’ve been ignoring your health/got on with it etc, you’re not really up for running after toddlers, you’re waiting for your hip replacement more like. The other thing I noticed is a disengagement from family, apparently it’s normal, I think it’s the main culprit for the loneliness pandemic we’re facing.
I don’t have grandchildren yet, but I’m at the stage where I look after my health and finances in the hope that when/if they do come, I can drop a day or two so I can provide childcare and help for my DD (but mainly to spend time with them). I actually like my DD and I like children, and I plan to be a very present grandmother.

I think Mumsnet is not always reflective of the standard experience. I imagine grandparents only post about babysitting when they’re being put upon and entitled parents only post when they’re feeling short changed.

Honestly though I don’t know anyone who depends on grandparents for childcare. I know some who’s parents have insisted getting their grandkids for a day or a couple of afternoons a week because they want to. My mum and dad are never done trying to offer to babysit which is lovely and I don’t exploit this kindness at all.

We also visit them regularly just because we want to spend time with them although so far never with posies.

I’m in my mid 50s. Both parents worked, my DM p/t until we were about 8 and then full time. From that age and until we were in high school and old enough to have a key, my sister and I went to my grandma’s every day after school. Our DM worked til 530 and picked us up on the way home.

So I can’t say GPs’ support is anything new. My DM couldn’t have worked f/t without it. Even when we were smaller I remember her doing evening shifts and being home with my dad putting us to bed.

Only ‘using’ my GM? No. We had a great relationship with her and other older relatives.

Don’t recall any posies being wafted around.

Sounds like a lovely family you have, just some parents seem to view the GP as having the equivalent responsibilities for shared care as a non resident father, complaining they don’t visit, babysit, show enough interest enough etc when none of this is expected off anyone else who hasn’t actually chosen to create/adopt the children but then ironically it’s fine if they parents then want to go and live in Australia, seems so selfishly one sided

I can imagine if GP live locally you would naturally see them more just like any other relative who lived locally. There wasn’t such a thing as wraparound childcare when I was a child so anyone in the community would help parents out like that if they really needed it e.g single dad who needed to work the neighbours helped. If the GP, aunt, nest friend etc were the ones round the corner then I can imagine naturally they would be the ones to help

Ok but what’s your point then? What do you mean by ‘expectations’ of GPs?

Earlier you said

We just arrange our jobs around available
childcare and pay for it ourselves, have had to call on parents in dire emergency but otherwise we wouldn’t want to put on them
when there is an alternative. Noticed many of parents who use GP for childcare seem to be able to afford things we can’t like holidays, meals out etc so not sure it’s all necessity

and now you’re saying it’s natural for me to have seen my GP more. No. We weren’t ‘popping in’ - GM was childcare Every. Single. Day. Because my parents ‘really needed it’.

Is that not what you meant in your OP about the expectations put on GPs?

This isn’t my experience at all. My grandparents pretty much raised me. I was certainly in their care 50+ hours a week until I was 5 and then they still did all the school runs and had me every school holiday 8-6 and often sleepovers at least once a month and took me on holiday.

My own mum hasn’t even seen my dc in 6 years (see note on quality of her own parenting above 😂). MIL visits maybe 6 times a year. We aren’t invited to her house. Haven’t been there in a decade. She’s never had my dc during the school holidays. Never taken them for a day out. Never had them for a sleepover. She will come for lunch, take them for a little walk with the dog and go home. She’s looked after them at our house for a few hours a handful of times mostly when I’ve needed to go into hospital (I have cancer). Eldest is 13, so it’s not like they are little or she hasn’t had opportunities.

Both our dads are dead and died before our dc were born, so we just have our mums and they definitely aren’t put upon or particularly interested in being grandparents. In fact, I can only think of a couple friends of dc who have relationships with grandparents that involve more than just polite visits. There definitely isn’t much family support or involvement by grandparents in our social circles. Most of them don’t seem to care or be very involved at all. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I will add to the above that where I know grandparents who are very involved in providing support, it involves one of two scenarios:

People who place great value and base a lot of their identity around caregiving. They have mostly been SAHMs and haven’t really worked. So looking after children is a big part of who they are. They waited eagerly for years to have grandchildren and have made themselves very available. It’s who they are.

The second group has stepped up when their own children basically turned out to be shit parents. I can think of one or two families where there has been divorce and on mum’s weeks, she’s often out partying or with the boyfriend of the moment. Grandparents in these cases (probably a bit like mine) have stepped up to provide stability where parents aren’t providing it. It’s not forced, but it’s certainly filling a need.

I had a grandparent or two living with us for much of the time growing up, so yes, I saw a lot of them and they looked after me a lot.

The poster is just commenting that their experience is opposite so it’s not about things changing. Some GPs choose to be more involved and it’s always been thus. There is just more need for childcare these days with both parents working. I’ll be glad to one day if I end up with any grandkids!