Step dad but not a real dad

[loststepdad]

Hey sorry if this is in the wrong place. I feel this is more of a vent rather than anything else: I am sure there are people who will read this and understand my points and my pain but there will be others who think I am totally wrong: I am married to a wonderful woman for nearly 7 years and she is on this app and will likely read this. We have two kids in there late teens. They are my step kids and I love them like they are mine. But they are not. I have always wanted kids and I thought when I got married that would be the case but it is not. My wife does not want any more kids. I can understand after all this time we are getting to the point where the kids will be leaving home and becoming adults themselves but I can’t help but feel I am missing something. I don’t have that person to call me dad. I know it is only a word but it is everything that goes with it. I love my family but there is a missing piece and I don’t know what to do or how to fill it. The answer was clear no more kids and that is that. Again not sure why I am posting this and not sure what do gain other than just getting it out. Ma

If her kids are in their late teens then they weren’t exactly tiny when you got together. And if their dad is still very much a part of their life then I don’t think you can really expect to have that relationship with them. My “DSD” has a step dad who’s very much her step dad despite having been in her life for some years, her dad is still very much a big part of her life and I have no intentions or expectations of ever being her step mum or mum. I can’t replace or be her mother! We have a good relationship but I would never expect the mum thing!

I had to walk away from the person I thought I was the love of my life when he changed his mind about children. I understand that gut sinking feeling.
Luckily for me there were no step children involved. I can understand that your love for them make it an even harder choice for you.
The replies you were getting were abrupt but sadly that is what it comes down to, choosing the family you have now or one you could end up with, but are not guaranteed.
Nobody else can tell you what is right for you though, I really would recommend speaking to someone (professional) to explore it properly before you make a life changing decision (which it is either way, when the life you envisioned was children with your wife).

You have choices: adopt a child as a single dad, leave your wife and find someone else to have a child with (many great women are desperately looking for a man that will commit to family live and bring up children together), offer to coparent with a solo mum or lesbians and be a dad in this coparening set up (maybe you could stay with current wife if so, she could be step mum).

Do you believe she was ever seriously contemplating having children with you?

As she seems to not realise this is a big issue, I would be suspicious that she never had any intention of it, which is a terrible thing to do. Now she has her children, you don’t have any and she possibly thinks you won’t end it after 7 years.

I have a friend who had a man string her along for 5 years, always saying next year when she asked about children. In the end, at 38 she split up with him as she wanted to stand a chance of having children. She did end up having 1 child at 41, but she missed her chance of having more which she would have liked because her ex wasted her time.

i can understand your desire to have children.
Did you discuss how important having children was with your wife prior to marrying?
Now your wife has been clear that she doesn't want more children how do you feel?
Have you discussed how you feel about it with your wife?
Is your desire to have children a deal breaker for your marriage?

Who love you more than life itself

No, they don't. We love them more than life itself. They are self-involved wee buggers who love us but the all consuming love is from us to them and not the other way around.

my options are leave or except the fact and balso that my POV does not matter. That who cares what you think.

Life is unfair. Women have to go through pregnancy which can knacker a body - I'm living with disabilities ass a result of my last pregnancy. For you, a baby is ejaculation and then 9 months later some minimal parenting. More parenting as the child grows. For her, it's a major change to every aspect of her body for the best part of a year, prospect of birth injury, breastfeeding and all the possible lactation problems...

Basically, @loststepdad , you have NO IDEA what pregnancy and childbirth and having a baby can cost a woman. You have it easy. We pay with our bodies and you have barely parented.

Your stepkids were in their teens before you were on the scene.

Everyone has the right to try.

Did you really want people to just see your point of you, or did you want them to agree with you and say your wife should not have changed her mind about wanting more children?

I can see your point of view. You must be disappointed.

You are wrong to think that had the roles been reversed posters would have commented differently. There have been many threads from women who's partners have changed their minds about being a father and the response is the same - if having a child is important they need to find a partner who wants one too. Being a parent should never be a compromise. You are either in or you're out.

The thing I'm curious about, as are other posters, is your wife's reason for changing her mind. I find it hard to believe you haven't actually asked her for a reason. I'm guessing you have but don't like the reason she gave. Maybe her health has changed and she doesn't feel able to go through the rigours of having another child and then the years of hard work raising another child. Or maybe, as this change of mind has occurred long into her relationship with you, she doesn't believe at this stage you would be a good father to a baby. Your comment that children love their parents more than life itself seems skewed to me.

As does your view that a man's point of view about having a baby is equal to a woman's. Do you really think the brief moment of ejaculation is equal to what happens to a woman's body during pregnancy, childbirth, recovery and breastfeeding? There is nothing equal about having a baby.

You said you just wanted to vent and yet you posted on a site where you know people give advice and opinions. If you don't want that it would be better to keep your venting in a journal.

I think op what you need to do is sit down with your wife and discuss what her reasoning is for not wanting another.

Col is high, maybe she's tired and worried about how much she'd have to 'give' to a newborn, maybe she's worried about how the kids will react to a half sibling or worried about a distinction being made inadvertently between the kids, maybe she's looking to the future and things she wants to be able to do with you and is looking forward to the time when she's a little freer in life and able to focus on herself a little more. You need to understand her rationale and concerns as that is what will help you accept it. If you still struggle then it's counselling initially solo and then joint. And after all that if it's insurmountable then you are unfortunately faced with the decision whether or not to stay in your marriage. But there would be no guarantees if you left that you would become a dad anyway as harsh as that sounds.

No. Nobody has an inherent entitlement or right to a child. He has the freedom to leave this relationship should he wish to do so, but he doesn’t have the right to a child.

I understand. You always thought you were going to have children of your own in the marriage and now your wife changed her mind you have a right to be upset and disappointed about it.

you have some thinking to do, is having a child of your own more important than your current marriage and family? It seems like you love them all.
you would need to divorce and meet someone else to have a child with.
you thought that was the way your life was going and it’s changed that’s disappointing to anyone whatever the circumstances but not being able to have your own child after spending year’s raising someone else’s and seems harsh of your wife if this was the actual agreement before you got married.

Come on, he literally admitted in his OP that he posted here hoping his wife will see it.

He's trying to use us to bully her into his way of thinking.

If you've tried to change her mind and this hasn't worked, there isn't much more to do there. The options are to accept this is the new situation or move on with your life - finding a new partner who enthusiastically wants a child with you.

“My point you have kids of your own. Who love you more than life itself. I don’t.”

That’s not actually true, OP. Maybe when they’re little, but beyond that, YOU love THEM more than life itself, and they leave home and find someone they love with whom to have DC that they love more than life itself. You can have a good relationship with your adult children; they do love you, but not in the all-consuming way in which they will love their own DC.
If you wanted children, OP, I’m surprised you waited until your DSC are in their late teens, and I can’t blame your DW for not wanting to start again at this point. If you are so desperate to become a father, your only option is to leave and find someone else who does want children - but I think you have a very rose-tinted idea of parenthood, despite having been a stepfather.

I understand your hurt and sadness at your wife's change of heart about having another baby. Your sense of loss and deep disappointment is palpable. I also understand your wife's position. Her change of mind is understandable. Her two children are now moving towards independence and starting again is daunting. Maybe she just doesn't have the energy to go through it all again. Pregnancy and child birth can take a toll on a woman's body. But she has been honest with you. Of course your feelings matter but so do hers. There is no mid way, no means of compromise when your views and feelings are so diametrically opposed.

I recognise your right to seek support from Mumsnet but I am really uncomfortable with the fact that you have done so to with the express intention that your wife will read the thread. That seems manipulative and bullying to me. You both need to talk together, even seek couples counselling. Please do not try to place pressure on your wife by involving other people's opinions. The only opinions that matter are yours and hers

If the situation doesn't change, then you both have a lot of thinking and soul searching to do. I hope you find peace.

If she can change her mind like that I understand your anguish, but you must equally state your feelings on this. You're only 36 you can easily start over with a younger women and have you're own family. A decision like that is a game changer. Think carefully about what you want, maybe get some counselling. If you want children of your own that much you need to tell your wife, she may concede, she may not, but you need to state your intentions and follow through. Life is not a dress rehearsal, do what will make you happy.