Step dad but not a real dad

[loststepdad]

Hey sorry if this is in the wrong place. I feel this is more of a vent rather than anything else: I am sure there are people who will read this and understand my points and my pain but there will be others who think I am totally wrong: I am married to a wonderful woman for nearly 7 years and she is on this app and will likely read this. We have two kids in there late teens. They are my step kids and I love them like they are mine. But they are not. I have always wanted kids and I thought when I got married that would be the case but it is not. My wife does not want any more kids. I can understand after all this time we are getting to the point where the kids will be leaving home and becoming adults themselves but I can’t help but feel I am missing something. I don’t have that person to call me dad. I know it is only a word but it is everything that goes with it. I love my family but there is a missing piece and I don’t know what to do or how to fill it. The answer was clear no more kids and that is that. Again not sure why I am posting this and not sure what do gain other than just getting it out. Ma

I understand it's disappointing. You can't force someone to have children though, so ultimately the first post was correct.

The trouble is, there are no guarantees in life. Even if you did have children of your own (which is never a certainty) they might not love you-or even if they do they may never show it for a multitude of reasons. If you want to still take the chance, then leave and have children with someone else, and hope that it all works out. If not, then make the best of your relationship and try to accept that somethings are just not meant to be. And it sounds sarcastic, but I promise you it is not meant to be-perhaps get a dog or cat? Or save up for a really good adult holiday that you wouldn’t be able to do with a baby? Good luck.

You’re a man so you’re going to get a rougher ride on here. I sympathise with you. It must be difficult when it seems like she has changed her mind. Ultimately you have to decide whether you can live a life without a biological child of your own or leave her to find that with someone else. A really tough decision. Good luck in whatever you choose.

When the question is whether or not to have a child, then the "no" always wins.
You have to decide if you can completely let go of this and move on with your wife or if having your own child is important enough to you to split up and move on.
There are many threads on here which involves the woman saying she wants another but her fella doesn't and the answer is the same as here.

This is a common dilemma on here but with the woman wanting the baby rather than the man.

People are being honest because it’s not our emotions on the line. Neither of you are unreasonable to want/not want a baby but for obvious reasons, no has to trump yes.

You are going to have to be brutally honest with yourself and decide if it’s a relationship ending decision or not. Whatever you decide, you need to work out if it’s a decision that you may regret.

That is hard. I can understand why you're upset.

I would actually advise you to seek some support - a short course of talking therapy to tak through how you feel and help you figure out what you can/can't accept because at the end of the day, of course she has the right to say no more but you also have th eright to say that doesn't work for you.

People (as usual when it is a man on here) are being harsh and many, unkind. Yes, they are his choices, but if the roles were reversed, many would have sympathy for a woman who married a man who told her they would try to have a child together, and then change their mind many years down the line. Absolutely her choice, but of course it is tough for the other person. Practical advice can also be kind.

@loststepdad i have sympathy for both you and your wife. Yes Mumsnet is a straight talking forum so many of the answers will be very stark.
I personally think you have two choices.... stay and accept you will not have children of your own.
Or....leave and try and find someone who does want children.
But as previous posters have said there are no guarantees.
Good luck and I hope you find some peace 🙏🫂❤️

What advice do you think a woman would get, if the roles were reversed?

I don’t think anyone here has expressed a lack of sympathy for you. They’re just being honest that however sympathetic we are, there aren’t actually any options other than stay without kids or leave to try and have them. It’s a shit situation, but it is the situation you’re in.

not sure why you’ve taken offence at this comment @loststepdad but it’s the only two options available to you 🤷‍♀️

Ultimately you have two choices. Stay with her and accept that you will never be a father or leave her and find someone else who does want children.

Having a baby isn't really something that you can compromise on or come to any sort of agreement. You either want them or you don't and you can't (and hopefully would never want to) coerce a partner into carrying, birthing and raising another child they don't want. It's not like getting a dog where they can say "fine, but you look after it."

If she's made her position clear that she doesn't want any more, you need to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you.

So she has strung you along for years and now expects you to just accept it?

You want kids, so you need to work out whether you would rather have your wife or have the opportunity to have children with someone else.

Personally, I would find this unforgivable. Not only has she strung you along, it sounds like she’s not acknowledging this as an important issue for you and thinks she can just carry on as normal. It’s a huge sacrifice that she’s is expecting from you yet shes ignoring it.

I’d leave and see if you can find someone else who does want your children. The good thing is that as you’re a man, you have more time.

I took offence at the opinion of live in misery or leave your wife and trying you luck elsewhere. Again at no point did I say I was leaving my wife. I was just looking for understanding that my options are leave or except the fact and also that my POV does not matter. That who cares what you think. That is where the offence was. That my rights and point of view does not matter. But my wife’s does.

I can see your point of view.
Perhaps she has her life back on track at this point in time.
Could you be the SAH Dad and do all the school runs? If so have another chat in a few months see if she has changed her mind.

My Aunt married a man who took on her kids, but later left him. He was too old to start a family of his own by then.

I do feel sad for you it’s a difficult situation.

Have you even asked her why she no longer wants another child?

All I see from your post is you wanting a child and what you want that child to provide for YOU, nothing about what you can offer a child at all.

Perhaps she thinks you won't be a good father.

Thing is, it's not that your pov doesn't matter. But it's not a thing that can be compromised on. The person who has to actually grow, carry and birth this baby does get final say. It's her body.

Your view does matter but ultimately, regardless if you’re a man or a woman, the options would be the same. If it was a woman in your position, we’d all be saying the same thing. If someone doesn’t want a child, then that’s the option that always wins. Yes it sucks when your life hasn’t planned out the way you want it to. But all the previous posters are correct, you do only have those options as no one will say to you make her change her mind.

Those are not opinions.

Opinions are- I think you should…/I think she’s… etc.

You literally have two choices. That’s all people have said. No one told you to live in misery.

I’d suggest getting some counselling to help you understand your emotions and find a way forward. You need to process how you feel and decide what to do next.

The options remain as they were, though.

You are in a no win situation. My advice would be to leave and hope you meet someone who you love and who also wants children. I was in your situation. I married someone who had older children from a previous marriage. He said he wanted more children and I was 32 at the time and hoped to have them. Sadly I had a miscarriage and was then unable to get pregnant again and he was unwillingto go down the ivf route. (In hindsight its for the best that we didnt have children together as the marriage was awful due to his behaviour) but I wasted all the years when I could have had a child and now although im getting to terms with that, its very hard to know i will never have a child of my own.

I have giving everything I have for her 2 kids: blood sweat and MF tears. I have taken on two children and raised them like they were were my own. I would move mountains and no one could stand in my way to make sure they are happy and safe. I would be a great father as I am a great step father. To be honest if this is all I get in life then great. I will kick ass at being a step dad. I just can’t help my feel something is missing.

But what are your options here? You seem pissed off that people are saying accept or leave but what other options do you realistically have?

what were the "discussions"? you saying "i want kids 100% for sure" and she gave a vague answer?

It is hard for you, but children is a "2 yes" question.
So as the first post said: but up with it or go and find someone else to have children with.

If your step children are about to leave home, that means your wife has been through all the baby stage, a long time ago, and so on. When you have grown up children you can remember how hard the baby years are. And be honest: they will be much harder for your wife than you, no matter how hands on you may be. In her shoes? i wouldn't want to face that again either.

You need to consider how unhappy you will be when you come to the end of your life and you have no children of your own. You stay and an accept it won’t happen or leave and find a women who does want a child or more children. You are not compatible anymore. She’s changed her mind and that’s okay.

if the roles were reversed…

actually we’d be more vehement because a woman your age doesn’t have time to mess about. Pps are absolutely right. Whatever you discussed before marriage, your wife now doesn’t want to have another baby.

but have you actually discussed this properly? Have you calmly explained how important this is to you? Would she be happy to agree if you were offering to be a SAHD? Or would she (and you) consider adoption?

Ultimately her desire to not have another child trumps your desire to have one because you can’t unbake that cake and a baby deserves to be wanted.

You have to make a decision, do you love this woman enough to freely without resentment give up your dream of being dad or will you regret it and end up resenting your wife? It might be worth finding a therapist to discuss this with.

mate, you are getting EXACTLY the same replies as you would the other way round.

What is your aim with this thread? if you wanted tea and sympathy perhaps you should have gone to a self help group or therapist?

We use the "2 yes" thing, btw, if one partner wants a dog, a cat or a horse. The principle doesn't change.