Step dad but not a real dad

[loststepdad]

Hey sorry if this is in the wrong place. I feel this is more of a vent rather than anything else: I am sure there are people who will read this and understand my points and my pain but there will be others who think I am totally wrong: I am married to a wonderful woman for nearly 7 years and she is on this app and will likely read this. We have two kids in there late teens. They are my step kids and I love them like they are mine. But they are not. I have always wanted kids and I thought when I got married that would be the case but it is not. My wife does not want any more kids. I can understand after all this time we are getting to the point where the kids will be leaving home and becoming adults themselves but I can’t help but feel I am missing something. I don’t have that person to call me dad. I know it is only a word but it is everything that goes with it. I love my family but there is a missing piece and I don’t know what to do or how to fill it. The answer was clear no more kids and that is that. Again not sure why I am posting this and not sure what do gain other than just getting it out. Ma

crikey sorry you are getting such arsehole responses from some people

People have to come to terms with not having children for different reasons. Infertility, relationship breakdowns or someone changing their minds.

Is this something you are prepared to come to terms with? Does your relationship mean more or does having children mean more?

these are questions you need to answer for yourself

The pp is right.ypu have to make a decision. Stay and accept it or leave and find a mum for your child.

A long time ago I was engaged to be married. 23 days before the wedding, my fiance announced that he'd decided that he never wanted children.

He'd waited until the last moment to tell me. We'd been together 5 years and had talked about dcs quite openly.

I tried to get him to reconsider, for about a week. He refused. Then I took a deep breathe and called off the wedding. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I don't think my dm ever forgave me. It took me another 10 years to move on and have my ds. I have never regret my decision.

It isn't an easy decision on anyone. I hope you work it out xx

Duplicate post

There's no magic solution to your problem @loststepdad , it really is stay or go. I understand why you're upset, you've expected to have your own child, now suddenly that's not going to happen.
Think carefully about leaving, as time goes on this will eat away at your marriage unless you can accept it.

That does not change the fact that the first comment was totally valid and sums up your options really well. You stay with your wife and don't have children or you leave her in the hope that you will have children. I'm not sure what else there is to say? There are no other options. There would be no other options if the genders were reversed either.

She’s entitled to change her mind

just as you are - if having kids is a dealbreaker then you need to move on and end the relationship

i get it your probably helping her to bring up
her kids and all the crap that goes with other peoples kids but you don’t get the pleasure and joy of your own child

I think she is selfish charging her mind ( although she is entitled to and if it was me I would be planning to leave

She can't make you stay with her and stop wanting your own child , but you can't make her change her mind either. Sad situation but you will have to split.

If she changed her mind then that is tough on you but that is where you are now. You do have to decide whether to stay and give up on ever having your own children or leave and start again. I think you said you're 36 so you could feasibly do that though.

I think I would recommend you speak to a counsellor to help you process your feelings. Strangers won’t validate you.
It may be you need to grieve what you’ll never have or start again with a woman who also wants a family with you.

We see your point of view. But we see hers too. With teenage kids the very very last thing I want in my life is to start over with a new baby.
Accept it or get a divorce.

I understand the hurt and disappointment you are feeling. It's very painful to long to have a child but be in a position (for whatever reason) where it isn't happening.

It seems that your wife has strung you along. Even if she was once open to the idea, you have been married 7 years so it sounds like she made up her mind some time ago and didn't tell you. Presumably it suited her to have you at hand helping to raise your stepsons.

But now you know. So you need to work through whether you can accept it or if this is the end of the marriage. If you leave you can try and find someone willing. To be honest a decent man, aged 36, no previous kids but who definitely wants them is likely to be attractive on the dating market.

Try to see it from her point of view: not many people who last had kids 18 years ago are going to want more. Kids are great but hardly anyone wants to devote four decades of their life to them.

When you say “my rights” which rights are you referring to. Nobody has the right to have children.

I think you’ve had some really unkind responses on here. You’re feeling pain and trying to come to terms with your loss- I do think of it as a loss and not being anyone’s dad is painful.

It’s something that gets jeered at on here but I recommend therapy and there are therapists who have particular expertise in childlessness. You need help taking through and coming to terms with the story of your life.

I genuinely sympathise.

That’s categorically not true. Nobody gets an easy ride on MN. You get the advice you need, not pats on the back and trite platitudes.

And nobody’s view is more important but you can’t have a baby with a woman who doesn’t want one. It’s just not going to happen.

This is a site primarily used by women, and when men coming on here complaining about their wives who are existing users they won’t get a huge amount of sympathy because it feels manipulative. There are hundreds of other places you could go for support and advice, but you came here, a site you know she uses, and wanted emotional support, but not constructive advice, from women.

We are used to doing the emotional labour for our families, giving the “there there”s and the sticky plasters and the kisses better. This isn’t that. Sorry.

OP - everyone does sympathise with you but they realise you cannot force/guilt a woman in to have a child she does not want. You want kind words but they do resolve anything.
Why did you not have a child when she was saying ''yes''?

• YOU have delayed this matter and now it seems to be too late..

I was a step mum before I was a mum. You’re only 36, leave, find someone who shares your dreams and have babies with her. Step parenting has many up sides but if you want your own it’s a lot of sacrifice and compromise without the best bits of being a mum or dad.

I'm a woman but yes, I can understand your 'need' to have someone call you dad, it's pretty much the same 'need' women have about someone calling them mum. God knows why you've got such a savaging here. Life is pretty much like an old fashioned road map. You follow it, do your best not to get into an accident, but there's always going to be road works, diversions, mechanical failures, etc.

I mean, there might be something that you're missing here. Maybe she doesn't want more kids because she can imagine a time in the not too distant future where she's able to stop being mum 24/7 and start giving more to the relationship. She might want that independence of just the two of you. Perhaps she doesn't feel like waiting another 20 years for that and being nearly 60 before she can finally think that she's got to be there for everyone else except herself and yourself.

Example: As it goes, I'm married and they're 'our' children. We were both able to take up motorcycling in our early 50s because our kids were old enough to manage without us if we got into an accident. Horrible way to look at it but there's some stuff you might not do as a mother if you've got a young un.

Also, she could just be waiting for grandchildren and might not really fancy the idea of a 5 year old of her own and a couple of toddlers who call her grandma. No idea. This is definitely what would've happened to me if I'd decided to go for more kids in my mid/late 30s. Plus, you do realise that kid appeal is definitely still there as a grandfather? Despite the fact that my own had 2 step grandparents as the result of divorce, they called the male one grandad. In fact, they saw more of him than they did of their birth grandad and loved him all the more for it.

I think maybe you need to take a step back and realise that your feelings are valid (despite what the hard asses say here) and then consider whether you would find it reasonable to go and have some talking therapy that will help you reframe the issue. It doesn't need to be a case of you always feeling as if something's missing. You can definitely get to place where you realise that you're whole with what you've got.

Finally, just in case you're really worried that somehow you're going to get screwed over, you can always freeze your sperm and get a surrogate if you're still desperate for someone to call you dad / want to keep your options open.

Yes, men do get a harder time on here. But, with this particular issue a woman only has a certain amount of time to have a baby, a man doesn’t! So your choices are really like everyone is saying. Stay and don’t have a child or leave and find a woman that does. You have years and years and years to still have a baby. I’m sorry your wife has effectively deceived you but I wouldn’t want to be starting all over again at her age. I don’t think the advice your getting is harsh because you’re a man it’s because you have a choice and can still have a child, just not with your wife

It's not that your pov doesn't matter, just that if your partner doesn't want more children then you can't force her to change her mind. That would be true if the roles were reversed too.

You do not have a right to a biological child.

You are being compleyely unreasonable.

There are 3 of the main options.

1. Live in misery
2. Leave your wife
3. Try your luck elsewhere.

You csn't force anyone to habe children they don't want. Not only is it unfair on the person, it's deeply unfair on the child.

Your 4 option is acceptance.

I can't have children and have mamage to make my peace with it so my sympathy is limited. You have options - leave if a child is more important to you than your wife and stepkids.

If your views are do polar opposite, then there's only going to be growing resentment in the relationship.

Well unfortunately, that's true, and it will be true whatever anyone on the Internet has said because all the advice you have had on here is correct. And yes, if someone in a partnership says they don't want children then that is the end of the story. You do not have a say in whether another person has a child or not. You only have a say in whether you have a child or not. If you want a child that badly you will have to find someone who wants to have a child with you.

She has the right over her body. You don't have a right to a child. It's not about roles or sex.

It depends what you want more - your wife or to be a dad

Her POV does matter more because as a PP said, when it comes to having a baby, the ‘no’ always wins. If you were a woman, the answers would be the same.

Do you feel like she was genuinely open to the possibility of more children and changed her mind or do you think that there was deliberate future faking here? I think future faking is something that's very difficult to get over and there's no shame if you're unable to get past this OP.

I can see from her perspective why she doesn't want to go back to the baby stage when her children are older and less dependent. Children are great but it's understandable to want to enjoy other stages of your life too.

It's not unreasonable to prioritise trying to have your own children but she doesn't owe you them herself.