Should I buy my daughter a therian mask and tail?

[pombearmum]

Hi there.

my daughter who is nearly 11 has recently declared that she is a therian. She believes she is half human half cat in fact she’s even got a name for her cat self. Luna. She is so desperate to wear a mask and tail. I really don’t mind but she recently did and was horribly ridiculed by some teenagers. Who shouted at her in the park. She said she didn’t care because you shouldn’t pick on peoples beliefs.

she’s asked me for a new mask and tail for her birthday. I don’t know if I’m being a bad parent buying it for her or a bad parent trying to steer her away from it. Am I opening her up to being massively bullied? She can be whoever she wants to be in front of me and in my opinion there’s far worse things she could do or be then wearing a mask. But the outside world isn’t as supportive.

is anyone else’s child also like mine and how do you deal with the whole not being sure what’s right or wrong thing? Advice would be great please. Sometimes I just don’t know what’s best.

Sorry, quote fail.

The second part of that was to @vegpatch

Is this a joke? Seriously? Where’s she got that idea from? Unplug the WiFi for a start!!

Actually- this must be a wind up. Very funny OP

You have absolutely no idea from seeing a ten year old in a cat-ears head band what their parents are doing, so you're also judging those of us who do not encourage our children in it - those of us who were alarmed and worried by it, who don't allow social media, who refused the mask and tail, who have endless meetings with SENCOs and teachers and have awful awkward conversations with them about furries and grooming because they didn't see the harm in just agreeing that my kid was a fox to keep her quiet, parents who are reaching out to the underfunded and overstretched CAMHS services, who are struggling to keep our own careers going when meetings about our children are most of a full time job, and who have come to online parenting forums looking for help and support. That's who you're judging as shit parents, and it's our vulnerable children you're laughing at as wack jobs.

I came here looking for advice from other parents who may have been in a similar situation. Instead, many of the responses included insults directed at my ten-year-old daughter and criticism of my parenting, based on assumptions that simply aren’t true.

At no point did I say she has unrestricted access to the internet. She doesn’t. Her online activity is supervised, she doesn’t speak to strangers online, and the only app she uses allows contact with two school friends. As her parent, I’m very aware that the online world can be risky, which is exactly why we monitor her activity.

My daughter is not “weird,” “disturbed,” or unintelligent. Quite the opposite. She’s autistic, highly intelligent, curious, and has a strong imagination. She is involved in extracurricular activities, social groups, school productions, and is currently enjoying activities such as camping with her peers. She spends plenty of time engaged with the real world.

She has never acted like a cat, walked around on all fours, or displayed the extreme behaviours that some commenters immediately assumed. She enjoys fantasy books, imaginative play, and learning about different interests. Hearing other children talk about being a therian sparked her curiosity, nothing more.

What has surprised me most is how quickly some people jumped to the worst possible conclusions. The hostility and judgement in some of these comments felt more like bullying than advice.

I came here because I don’t have a large support network and hoped to hear from parents with experience or insight. Unfortunately, many responses have been disappointing. It’s a shame that asking a genuine question can result in so much ridicule rather than constructive discussion.

Concentrate on her mental health and being happy in her own (non furry) skin.

I don’t know if I’m being a bad parent buying it for her or a bad parent trying to steer her away from it. Am I opening her up to being massively bullied?

I think overall the answers your received in the majority answered this for you.

I kind of feel like your recent post was written by chatgpt which I know some people do as it helps them polish up what they arr trying to say.

If your daughter has a full and bustling life outwith the home with 2-3 clubs and she has very limited access to tech. then I'd just be shutting her down with a "No" as pp said. If she presses you say that's not appropriate.

The only way kids get this info is from the internet. If she is getting this info via a friend who has unrestricted access... I'd have a frank discussion that "this is an internet hobby and we dont think its healthy". It might allow you touch upon the topics of mental health.

I've had an issue before with a very odd kid (with very weird parents) trying to befriend my child and I taught my child skills like how to deflect the conversation when a weird topic arises "have your read/watched xyz", to then walk away when they persist talking about it "oh there's X Im going to say hello" - these are useful life skills to begin practicing that will serve them well through teenage years and into adulthood. Deflect and walk away.

Your on mumsnet and Im sure you know not every commeny will be 100% what youre looking for. But I'd say the majority of responses were of a similar viewpoint.

That this is weird, to put a stop to it and to ensure your child lives a varied life offline.

The worst thing you can do is now join some "my child thinks theyre a cat" parenting facebook group which will be an echo chamber of like minded parents who fully support you letting your daughter think she is an actual cat called Luna.. Echo chambers are not where you want to move onto because youre not happy with the response here.

I wonder if you have a varied life?, you say your support network is small. Equally for you-you deserve to be in some sort of fitness class, womens group, craft group so you are a bit more supported in general.

So my overall advice is hard No on the cat stuff, shut it down and move on. Teach deflect and walk away strategies. Dpuble check she has no way of accessing weird info via devices. Ensure daughter is part of 2-3 varied clubs including a girls team sport which is well studied as having positive outcomes for girls. And finally look to expand your own support network, for your own wellbeing. Thats all my own opinion of course. Good luck 💐

The problem is you said 'She believes she is half human half cat. '

A highly intelligent child wouldn't think that would they. Maybe you were joking but it didn't come across that way?

You say she hasn't acted like cat yet wants a tail and mask. To presumably act like one.

So then I think people were worried she was being led into thinking this stuff likely online. And assumed she was on whatever sites/forums she wanted, but that isn't true then.

Yes I agree with this.

I do too. There’s a world of difference between my 3 year old wearing a hulk costume to the park because he likes pretending to be the hulk, and a ten year old wearing furry accessories to the park because she actually believes she’s half cat. I’m sure you know that. Either you presented it in a way you didn’t intend or you’re changing your mind given the push back. Believing you are half animal is a mental health issue. It’s beyond imaginary play. And when her friends started talking about therian nonsense - if that really is where she heard it - you should have shut it down not bought her stuff that supports a delusion.

Me and dh would’ve laughed and told Ds not to be ridiculous.

As a mum to autistic children I would say no , don’t get it for her , you will be promoting a behaviour that you know will cause issues . If you say she has friends and is social that’s great so why add something that can cause issues . Will she accept that is something she can do at home only ?

Honestly, the amount of people who just want to kick off about somthing so go along with the hype instead of researching 🤦‍♀️. People are spouting all sorts of nonsense without evidence, because they read it online or heard it elsewhere. I'm embarrassed for some of you honestly,

There's barely any studies, any proof of "people believing their animals" .... I could be wrong, I'm sure the most recent study was in the USA and it was somthing like 70/80 cases across the whole of the USA. And most of them had disorders already,

For the most part, it's kids and teens not feeling comfortable in their own skin so role-playing as animals as they find it easier/safer.

I agree with this a child that’s highly intelligent would know and believe they were 100% human and not an animal because they are infact 100% human

Well said x

No

This.

For my daughter, she is autistic, she still hasn't figured out social nuance and struggles to mask.

Some teenagers hide behind lots of fringe, some have bright hair and funky make up. Some just stick their hood up and hide.

Mine wears animal ears.

Grown adults cosplay.

I really don't see the problem as long as she is monitored and safe online.

Some of the girls in her year at school turn up with very short skirts, false eyelashes, loads of make up. But that's fine apparently.

Like the PP said, I probably get torn apart for that comment but it's true.

People need to piss off and leave our kids alone.

My kids cat ears and tail are no more dangerous than another child's crop top and tiny shorts.

OP, I'm sorry if you feel upset because of the vehemence of some of the responses to your post - please know that this comes from women who are experienced in some of the darker corners of the internet and who know how far this innocent-seeming nonsense can go. You say your DD isn't online that much, but she's clearly got hold of the idea that she can 'be' half-person, half-cat from the internet - this is not something that comes into the heads of 11 year olds from nowhere! Younger children might enjoy pretending role-play but at her age - autistic or not - this is something that's been shown to her, or she's stumbled across and found attractive. The very fact that you're using the term 'therian' tells me that she's come across some serious furry sites. It is NOT just child-like imaginative play.

I would say - she's autistic, therefore she's peculiarly vulnerable in certain ways. She needs protecting from some of the darker things out there, as she may act younger, more naive/trusting, or take more things at face value because of her autism. She's vulnerable - therefore you need to protect her. So no, don't indulge her in this. It honestly can be the thin end of the wedge, leading to all sorts of adult sexual paraphilia and the somewhat unhinged adults who practice them. Even online, there's lots of really graphic cartoon porn out there along these lines which children might find easier to access by accident, while looking up their 'hobby'.

I've watched little girls in primary schools pretending to be horses in the playground. It's really sweet. They're not wearing horse tails, bridles and saddles though, and I think that would rightly raise alarm bells. Kids can't change into other animals, any more than they can change sex.

She’s 10!! Where is she getting this terminology from??
If she wants dressing up clothes for her birthday, get them. But they’re dressing up clothes to be worn at home. Wearing dressing up clothes out and about is for the under 5s.
Dressing up and role play is still very normal at 10/11/12 but it’s a game not an identity. It’s time to stop playing when eating lunch etc.
If her favourite animal is a cat, maybe get a cat notebook and other stationary. Clothes? There’s lots of cat themed stuff. But you need make it clear it’s framed as a game/ favourite animal. It is in no way an identity, and of course she can’t ever be a cat or half cat.
Do you have a pet cat? If not maybe getting one will help.

Absolutely not , what the tell is she looking at online to know these terms ? I would definitely be concerned

No, for fucks sake no.

You posted for advice Op. You got advice. Just because it doesn’t suit you, you cannot police the replies. It IS weird behaviour and it should absolutely not be encouraged at all. But then you already know that don’t you.

Yes is the answer to your question if thats what your daughter wants then buy it her buy one for yourself and have a kitty day out in a cat cafe make the very best if times together as many as you can because you will regret not doing this for her forget about bullies there ugly mean and just plain idiots don't let them shape your daughters future shes autistic intelligent and beautiful and your her mother at least she felt confident enough in bringing this to you and as a mother you should support her dont worry about malicious comments on here there just as bad as the bullies I genuinely hope you and your daughter have the best times ever meow meow 😻 🐈 one life live it how you want

Your daughter needs to talk to a professional asap

How, then, do you explain the well documented significant over-representation of autistic young people who identify as trans?