Advice on how to deal with relatives telling DD off

[gollyimholly]

Back story: DB recently got married and is living with his wife (DSIL) at my parents' until they save up enough to buy a place. Before they got married, DD (just turned 3) used to visit almost everyday and it was essentially her second home. My DF and DD are very close and have a lovely relationship. She is very comfortable at her grandparents' and is generally well behaved. We visit less now DB is married just because we wanted DSIL to settle in and although my parents were happy to see DD daily, we can imagine DSIL might want some more peace and quiet than that!

The issue: I have noticed DB and DSIL telling DD off for things I wouldn't ordinarily tell her off for.
I feel like it's mostly DSIL's influence as DB wasn't like this before. Things DD has been told off for that I would let go:

• DD was playing and rolling around on the carpet with her cousin (DC of DSis). DN is 7 months old so he didn't get told off but DSIL said "Sarah, are you being a bit naughty on the carpet, can you stop laying on the carpet now please". I didn't know what to say in the moment so just let it go.

• DD mispronounced DSis' name when she was very young (DSis is called Hannah and DD calls her Nanna). DSis likes being called it and it stuck. But DSIL said to DD that it was rude and she should call DSis "Aunty". DSis told DSIL that it was OK and that's what DD has always called her.

• DD was in paddling pool that had a little water gun attachment which projects water a very tiny distance, maybe 10cm at the most. The adults were sitting around the pool (maybe 1.5 metres away) on garden chairs. DD was facing us (myself and DSIL) and joking she's going to get us wet. DSIL said "No, that's naughty Sarah". I said that DD could squirt at her Dad instead and DSIL doesn't want to be squirted at.

• We speak a language at home where the word DSIL should be called by DD sounds a lot like "mummy". DD calls me mummy and finds it confusing to call DSIL mummy and will call DSIL by her name sometimes. DSIL always corrects her and has suggested DD call me something else like "mum". This has been reinforced by my DM as she is doing her best to make DSIL feel at home.

Any advice on how to stop DSIL from being so officious is hugely appreciated

If I was there and DSIL did that I would probably say ‘and we don’t like it do we when other people tell our children off, no we don’t, that’s quite rude isn’t it?’ I would do it in that same voice. But that’s just me. Or you could speak to your brother and say you are finding it problematic.

I'd just tell her to leave your dd alone and bring any issues she has to you to resolve..

You have to nip that sort of stuff in the bud.

some of these things are minor but also just speak up in the moment. Don’t make a big drama now just correct her every time she says something you disagree with. It’s your child, you need to stand up for her.

I also understand not wanting to be squirted on by a child in a paddling pool. Not sure why you have an issue with that.

Your go to phrases when you are stood there silently saying nothing is "how exactly?" Or why does it matter

Eg " how exactly is that naughty? Dd is just having fun. No one is being injured or in danger. Whats the issue? Dd carry on as you are.

"How is that rude? Its a nickname... Loads of people have nicknames... Its a sign of affection. Dd, dsis and dm all are fine with it. Whats the problem? Indotn get it. Dd carry on as you are. You are fine.

How is it naughty? Its a boiling hot day she is playing and the water cant even reach you. Shes a child being silly. Dd carry on but dont get fun sponge sil wet.

Sil you know shes referring to you. Shes a child. Please stop being so inflexible about your name... she doesnt want to call you mummy and thats fine.
Why cant she call you x instead. It doesnt really matter does it?

Imo she sounds like a massive fucking fun sponge so honestly I would probably just start openly telling dd in a breezy tone to carry on and ignore sil who is being a massive fun sponge then laugh and tell her to lighten up But I am a fairly confident person and would have no issue putting her back in her box.

I'd pick my battles. If it is genuinely unfair, defend your daughter, but if your daughter is doing something slightly wrong, and your sister in-law is just a bit more strict that you would be, I would leave it.

You want your child to think that you have their back and are on their side.. but there is a fine line between that and "it doesn't matter what other adults think, because mummy will save me." Which isnt a great mindset.

None of it seems serious enough to me to do anything that could damage relationships/hurt the family as a whole for.

Is your DB older than you and DSIL is just asserting her authority? She does sound like a bit of a knob though.

rolling around on the carpet ? She as playing with her nephew

not everyone wants to be squirted with water - fair enough

don’t understand the name mummy thing - what is her name ?

I think you need to define your boundaries, then express them.

I'd say something the next time she crosses a boundary - could you saying something like 'I've noticed some recent things you've said to DD, and I'd like to ask you to mirror our parenting where you can to avoid confusing her. If there's anything that DD is doing you think is dangerous or harmful that's one thing, but small matters like the words she uses or if she's lying down aren't naughty or rude and I'm not comfortable with that language. If you've any issues with my parenting choices I'd prefer to be told direct.'

Why can't she call sil Aunt now she's married to your brother?

I interpret this as power behaviour, especially the suggested name change for you.

You can't play nicely with people like that, you have to be deadpan. Don't pander, don't get angry, just set your stall out.

Just ask her to stop, im her parent i will tell her off don’t worry DSIL.

Agree. Kids are better raised in a community of people where they learn that they can be spoken to directly and some are stricter than others!

The only one I'd push back on is the name for your sister- she's meddling there.

Water gun - fine of your dsil to tell her to stop.
carpet- was dsil worried about your tiny DN? Fine to say 'this is an outside game'

Don’t entertain any of your sils nonsense. My mother gave me that advice when I was getting married. Don’t create any drama or arguments but don’t pander to her or tiptoe around her .

I honestly think it’s good for children to have some minor telling offs from other adults provided it’s fair (which other than the mummy thing, these seem fair enough).

It shows them that there are other authorities to respect in the world other than their parents, that there are different rules in different places and with different people and helps build their resilience for future conflicts.

Sorry I skim read the but where she wants your DD to call you something different. If you’re in the UK can you direct DD to call her Aunty Tosser (just assuming that’s her first name) I know this might be difficult, especially if Aunty is used more widely.

I’d also see if you can have a quiet word with your DM. It’s lovely that she’s trying to make DSIL feel comfortable and it is a huge adjustment for everyone but DSIL isn’t extending the same courtesy to you or your DD.

This, all the way!

barely suppressing much more blunt comments, but not suppressing then if she doesn't stop!!

Go around as often as you want, SIL can go out if she wants 'peace' this is your daughters childhood & time to enjoy with her grandparents.

your mum needs to be careful you, thus us her home & if she keeps on pandering to SIL it's going to be an awful dynamic.

“No worries SIL, I’ll handle it if there’s an issue”
I wouldn’t tell a child of for any of those, she sounds pretty weird. Not a child person?

the water guns like that basically dribble water out a few cm, they'd never reach the adults. Which OP already explained!

Squirting water is absolutely fine to tell her off for. She should never do that and it’s not “fun”. It’s also not good for kids to tell them that they can only be told off by their parents (especially when you seemingly have a lax attitude to behaviour). I was always taught that if I was rude, people would tell me so and I had better listen. People these days are doing something seriously wrong because the behaviour in schools is absolutely atrocious.

Presumably the child didn’t buy the pool, it’s not her fault it has a water gun attached to it.

I would also do what @SalmonOnFinnCrispsays. And I wouldn’t stop going to my own parents house.

It is madness that she thinks that she should meddle in the name your child calls her own aunt.

Where is your brother in all of this?

I think that's the issue. In their language aunty sounds like mummy in English?

not entirely sure... but she just needs to get over herself. Expecting a child not to call her mummy, mummy so she can call the SIL her preferred name is so entitled & ridiculous.

Can you by your DB and SIL a house ... preferably a very long way away!? 😌

Just gently intervene ....

• it's OK I am happy for her to be playing on the carpet
• don't worry the water cannot reach you
• these are the names we use ... they are not going to change

Don't make a big deal of it. Just be gently firm and do not let any of these things slip by without comment.

She sounds a real control freak ... let's hope she does not reproduce ...

Buy, not by!!

Community of people telling kids off directly is fine in communal spaces, or even private ones if the child is doing something worthy of a telling off. It is not fine when the parents & grandparents (whose home it is) are there.

SIL has NO business to tell her off for lying on the carpet. Both OP & her sister (whose baby it is) were there supervising, they're not SIL's children, it's not her house & not her call.

the water gun on the paddling pool would not get anywhere even remotely near the adults.

Perfect responses

sil sounds like a dick but the fact your db and dm are pandering to her would be annoying me too