Advice on how to deal with relatives telling DD off

[gollyimholly]

Back story: DB recently got married and is living with his wife (DSIL) at my parents' until they save up enough to buy a place. Before they got married, DD (just turned 3) used to visit almost everyday and it was essentially her second home. My DF and DD are very close and have a lovely relationship. She is very comfortable at her grandparents' and is generally well behaved. We visit less now DB is married just because we wanted DSIL to settle in and although my parents were happy to see DD daily, we can imagine DSIL might want some more peace and quiet than that!

The issue: I have noticed DB and DSIL telling DD off for things I wouldn't ordinarily tell her off for.
I feel like it's mostly DSIL's influence as DB wasn't like this before. Things DD has been told off for that I would let go:

• DD was playing and rolling around on the carpet with her cousin (DC of DSis). DN is 7 months old so he didn't get told off but DSIL said "Sarah, are you being a bit naughty on the carpet, can you stop laying on the carpet now please". I didn't know what to say in the moment so just let it go.

• DD mispronounced DSis' name when she was very young (DSis is called Hannah and DD calls her Nanna). DSis likes being called it and it stuck. But DSIL said to DD that it was rude and she should call DSis "Aunty". DSis told DSIL that it was OK and that's what DD has always called her.

• DD was in paddling pool that had a little water gun attachment which projects water a very tiny distance, maybe 10cm at the most. The adults were sitting around the pool (maybe 1.5 metres away) on garden chairs. DD was facing us (myself and DSIL) and joking she's going to get us wet. DSIL said "No, that's naughty Sarah". I said that DD could squirt at her Dad instead and DSIL doesn't want to be squirted at.

• We speak a language at home where the word DSIL should be called by DD sounds a lot like "mummy". DD calls me mummy and finds it confusing to call DSIL mummy and will call DSIL by her name sometimes. DSIL always corrects her and has suggested DD call me something else like "mum". This has been reinforced by my DM as she is doing her best to make DSIL feel at home.

Any advice on how to stop DSIL from being so officious is hugely appreciated

The name thing would be my red line. She is overstepping by telling a child to change from calling her own mummy 'mummy' and I would be telling SIL not to do that and that we her parents decide what she calls people.

No one should ever call a child naughty. It’s a word I never use. Children are rarely naughty and just need to be remind of the rules. None of the things your dd did deserved being told off by you SIL you need to decide how you are going to speak to SIL about not telling your daughter off.

That’s good advice and your DD will easily be able to distinguish between “DSIL Mami” and Mummy.

I've found that some people who don't have their own children can be intolerant of normal child behavior. After they become parents they find that if they don't ease up on correcting every little "misbehavior" they'll wear themselves out. When I had my DD my SIL came to visit. DD was a year old and walking around getting into things so I had put my breakable items out of reach. SIL commented that I should leave thngs out so DD would learn not to touch them. Well you know how that would go! The funny thing is when she had her son nothing breakable was in sight!

This.

I was way too polite and wet with family when I had kids trying not to upset anyone they had no issue upsetting me or my DC.

Just gentle correction back with escalation if need - she fine please leave her alone - she's fine - I said she fine - will you please stop finding every excuse to tell my child off please - steadly getting less escalation.

I'd also correct any re0naming back to what you want.

I suspect some gente push back all that's needed.

You do need to push back against SIL in the moment whenever she starts this nonsense.

Tell her that you don't have a problem with DD rolling on the carpet and are supervising so could she please rein it in and let DD be a normal three year old child.

Tell her that you are DD's mummy, you will not be changing that to suit her and you would appreciate it if she would please drop it.

The water pistol thing is ridiculous because as you say, it is so feeble that it wouldn't reach anyone anyway.

SIL does sound like someone who is unable to let a child be a child and wants to control every tiny detail. She would irritate the hell out of me. I wouldn't be able to keep quiet.

I get the pool thing from her perspective .

She doesn’t get to decide your sisters name

Perhaps she was worried about her baby niece.

When she does go too far though you need to tell her enough.

Does all this telling off bother your poor DD? Your SIL sounds like someone not very at ease with small children. She is killing the spontaneity of a small child. I agree with PPs that children should be pulled up by adults not their parents but pouncing on every little thing is OTT. I'd be tempted to speak to DB and SIL and say that DD is very at home in your parents house and they are not constantly telling her how to behave, so while you are all spending time together in a house not yours, they need to lighten up.

Like others, I avoid 'naughty', and don't call children naughty. Behaviour is naughty.

This

“No thanks, Marjorie; I can keep Olivia in check!” Every time.

Is it really a thing that children aren’t supposed to roll around on a carpet? That’s a new one on me.

This
Id also add wait until x is 3 and laugh

I said to MIL “Erm, we’re the parents?” when she told our child off the first time. She never did it again. I’d do the same with your SIL. You need to be blunt. “Can you stop trying to parent our child please?” in an annoyed tone.

I'd actually counteract every point up above apart from the water gun thingy as "no Sarah, you're OK to crack on".

My nephews can be wee shits, can be brutal towards my kids and I say fuck all, guarantee if one of them even accidentally bumps into one of them they start screaming like a banshee and sil shouts at mine. The last time I lost my utter shit at her for not parenting her kids, not seen her in 7 months, bliss.

“Sil dd is fine, I’ll speak to her if needed thank you”

Great advicr from @concertinacornflake

It sounds to me like sil is trying to find her place in the family, but going about it in the wrong way entirely.

My sil found it very difficult moving into her ils home on marriage, because everyone is feeling and finding their way, but the wife is the new one coming into the set up, and she may have been told to assert herself by her family or friends, and she thinks that's what she's doing. We've all heard the stories about the badly dominated bahu etc etc.

Or this may be how people are in her family.

I'd speak to her from a place of kindness, let her know that you understand her position is difficult and overwhelming (I really like my Indian ILs, but would I want to move in with them? Um, no.) and then say to her, "We are bringing dd up in this way, and that's how things are here. Playing on the carpet etc is fine, we don't say naughty, and nicknames are fine. I know it's probably different for you, but you'll get used to it!"

And if she wants to be mami - then it's first name mami.

I know people think the insistence here is odd, but as someone who married in, and felt like the outsider, being called Azandme Mami really made me feel part of the family.

Nothing on the whole of that list is naughty or anything to correct. It is all healthy, fun child's play.
Your DSIL needs to be told that she cannot correct children for just playing.
Anyway, I had similar with a family member. And it ended up in no contact. Because, nevermind how we tried, just there was friction for the slightlest of things that apparently were annoying to this person.
Also, no way I would accept anyone saying to my daughter that she is rude or naughty when she is not. It will confuse her.
Can your parents and siblings come to your home instead?

Just be calm and quick. When she does it, intervene and make it clear what your opinion is, and that is the only one that counts. Do not let them think they have any rights to correct your children.

You need to speak up at the time.