Advice on how to deal with relatives telling DD off

[gollyimholly]

Back story: DB recently got married and is living with his wife (DSIL) at my parents' until they save up enough to buy a place. Before they got married, DD (just turned 3) used to visit almost everyday and it was essentially her second home. My DF and DD are very close and have a lovely relationship. She is very comfortable at her grandparents' and is generally well behaved. We visit less now DB is married just because we wanted DSIL to settle in and although my parents were happy to see DD daily, we can imagine DSIL might want some more peace and quiet than that!

The issue: I have noticed DB and DSIL telling DD off for things I wouldn't ordinarily tell her off for.
I feel like it's mostly DSIL's influence as DB wasn't like this before. Things DD has been told off for that I would let go:

• DD was playing and rolling around on the carpet with her cousin (DC of DSis). DN is 7 months old so he didn't get told off but DSIL said "Sarah, are you being a bit naughty on the carpet, can you stop laying on the carpet now please". I didn't know what to say in the moment so just let it go.

• DD mispronounced DSis' name when she was very young (DSis is called Hannah and DD calls her Nanna). DSis likes being called it and it stuck. But DSIL said to DD that it was rude and she should call DSis "Aunty". DSis told DSIL that it was OK and that's what DD has always called her.

• DD was in paddling pool that had a little water gun attachment which projects water a very tiny distance, maybe 10cm at the most. The adults were sitting around the pool (maybe 1.5 metres away) on garden chairs. DD was facing us (myself and DSIL) and joking she's going to get us wet. DSIL said "No, that's naughty Sarah". I said that DD could squirt at her Dad instead and DSIL doesn't want to be squirted at.

• We speak a language at home where the word DSIL should be called by DD sounds a lot like "mummy". DD calls me mummy and finds it confusing to call DSIL mummy and will call DSIL by her name sometimes. DSIL always corrects her and has suggested DD call me something else like "mum". This has been reinforced by my DM as she is doing her best to make DSIL feel at home.

Any advice on how to stop DSIL from being so officious is hugely appreciated

I don’t understand the name thing. At the start of your post, you said the SIL told your child to stop calling your sister a pet name and call her ‘auntie’, why can’t she be called ‘auntie’ herself? Why does she need to be called a name that sounds like mummy?!

l’d get her to call them auntie Sue and uncle Bob or whatever.

Reading comprehension is important

she wasn't squirting people with water, she was firing the paddling pool water gun which barely dribbles out into the grass, with no hope of it ever reaching people.

what part of lying on the floor needed telling off??

what the DD calls her mum or mums sister is absolutely nothing to do with SIL, why do you think she was right to tell DD off & try to make her change what she calls them??

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Have you spoken to your father about this, saying that it’s affecting your DD’s time with him? He must be missing her and feel uncomfortable in the circumstances.
Your DSis will soon be in SiL’s ‘orbit’.
It looks like your SiL has taken on the lead role in your parents’ home. She’s a fun sponge, sounds insecure and jealous. Nothing you have mentioned is worthy of her discipline.
Have a heart to heart with your DF, preferably both parents. I don’t think there’s any mileage with your brother and I wouldn’t at this stage involve your DSis.

I'm with you on all of that.

I would explain to rules to her.

The rules are that if the parent is present then the parents disciplines the child if necessary. Everyone else holds their tongue.

The only exception to this is if the child is damaging something or hurting another child and the parent doesn’t step in. In those cases the owner of the thing or the parent of the other child can put a stop to it.

If she’s not following the rules she is undermining you as a parent, and confusing the child by chastising her for things you allow.

She sounds very annoying and none of the things you mention are worthy of her being told off. The rolling on the carpet thing is normal, the paddling pool thing is ridiculous considering she wasn't close enough anyway.
She doesn't sound as though she has a clue about how to engage with a child. And it's not her house, she's very lucky to be able to live there whilst saving up.
I would tell DIL that all of those things are fine and let your DD carry on as normal.

Outside of these, how does she treat your daughter generally? Does she have positive interactions with her? If she’s generally nice to her and you feel she’s warm and kind to her otherwise, I might just put it down to different perceptions of acceptable
behaviour. My sister is a bit stricter than me and when I’m at her house I don’t mind if she pulls the kids up on stuff I wouldn’t, but that’s because she’s overall very warm and affectionate with them and I know it’s genuinely just different parenting styles.

But if you feel she’s warm lacks warmth and there isn’t more positive than negative interactions between them, I’d say something to your brother and let him handle it. Because if that is the scenario I’d be concerned she was picking on her and that’s not ok. I’d just say to your brother ‘look I’ve noticed this, aside from preventing / commenting on dangerous behaviour, our preference is to let us be the ones to discipline any other behaviour and if we don’t pull her up on something, it’s because we don’t feel it’s necessary.’

They probably shouldn't be telling your child off if you are present. That's your job. Maybe think about whether you should have intervened though. Adults don't usually tell other people's children off for no reason. If you were not in the room then they absolutely can tell your kid off if required. That was always my rule. If other people leave their kids with me it's on the understanding I can tell them off and 'parwnt' them if the need arises. If they're not comfortable with that then they need to stay and do it themselves.

i think you can just say things like 'that's Ok if she rolls on the carpet', or 'she can squirt water, you could move away if you don't want to get wet'. you don't need to make a big thing of it

Oh heck .. Await The Second Coming as her future dc will be absolutely perfect..
Just tell her you can manage your dc and don't need her input.
She's a bully..
And maybe ask dm to meet you away from their home occasionally or dd will start to dread going. And tell dm why.

I have an aunt who parents way different from me, she’s on edge, her child got into trouble for the least wee thing and her expectations are way too high.

she used to smack me when I was younger for tiny things like not tidying my toys quickly or not listening first time or if I disagreed with my cousins. I always felt she singled me out. She lived with my grandparent and she was told under no circumstances to raise her voice or hands at my children like she did with me or she would be in trouble, my children were never left alone with her.

tell your sil and db that if they have issues they come to you as it isn’t their place and if you see your child doing something wrong then you will intervene.

Yeah most of this I'd just say "she's fine, she's just playing." With the water I'd have said "it's ok DD you're not being naughty, just don't squirt SIL, she doesn't want to get wet".

With the mum thing I wouldn't have been able to not laugh or pull a face. No she's not going to call me mum so she can call you mummy. She can call you by your name, it's your name.

I don't like when other adults tell kids off when the parents are present. It makes it harder for the parents to actually discipline their kids because they're trying to talk over other people sticking their noses in. I have told MIL I don't need other people to discipline my kids. They call us shit parents while saying how lovely and well behaved our kids are 🙄

I would have one conversation with my brother to give him the opportunity to tell his wife to wind her neck in and stop trying to alter the way your family have always got along. You don’t join a family and then start deciding how they should behave and interact.

After that I would say something every time she interfered. You’ve been given lots of polite suggestions here but I would be inclined to say that I had been letting it go while she was finding her feet but it’s time she was told that is not how your family works. And if she can’t keep her beak out when you are visiting your mum and dad perhaps she should go for a very long walk while you are there.

Your mum might be biting her tongue because she can see the woman is overbearing and trying to dominate and thinks, probably correctly, that she will make your brother choose if any of his family challenge her.

just brush it all off there and then, if she’s getting told off for rolling on the carpet a ‘ oh it doesn’t matter if she’s having a bit of a roll’ and just let your DD carry on if you don’t mind her rolling!

Kindly. I suspect that your SIL doesn’t find your DD as enchanting as you do and is finding her a bit irritating. This is no reflection on your DD at all; I think a lot of people feel like that about “other people’s children” and living with the in-laws means that she’s in much closer and more regular contact with her than she probably finds comfortable. If you think your DD is fine - just overrule - “ah - she’s fine, Kate - she won’t splash anyone”, or whatever. The thing with your sister (and her own name) just needs shutting down - “that’s what we do in our family”. Call her out as kindly as possible and move on.

Perfect responses
you need to stand up for yourself and child. Sounds she she’s on a power trip and will continue to do it as you just stay silent.

I don’t think the OP thinks her dd is enchanting.

She just thinks she should be allowed to play with her baby cousin on her grandparents carpet and call her own auntie the name she’s called her since she learnt to speak without being told off.

I wouldn’t want a child threatening to squirt me with water, so that’s understandable and I wouldn’t be entertaining SIL being called a name similar to mummy.
The other things, you just need to communicate and say you’re ok with DD doing x y z.

I think i would laugh at her.

"Hoe on earth are two cousins playing on the floor damaging the carpet? Dont be silly" <amused laugh>.

"Haha, if that water gun gets even half way here I'll buy everyone lunch" <patronising laugh>.

"You want my dd to.change what she calls me to make you happy?? Dont be ridiculous." <incredulous laugh>.

ExBIL wss like this. If I was cooking and ds was in the kitchen with me he was constantly rly telling ds to ve careful of the hot stove or ove or whatever. The irony is thay when they had children he let them rampage through my house destroying things. Infuriating.

One of the biggest issues I see here is the use of the word ‘naughty’. Teachers generally don’t use this word anymore, because it is vague, and doesn’t stop the behaviour or improve the situation.
e.g. My nephew was throwing food from the high chair, and my BIL kept saying ‘stop it, you’re being naughty, don’t be naughty.’ Once he changed his language to ‘we don’t throw food off the high chair, stop throwing food’, he stopped.

The other problem with ‘naughty’ is that everyone’s definition of it varies. Rolling on the carpet and playing with her baby cousin is naughty? Why? Was she screaming, or kicking, or breaking things, or hurting her cousin? In that case, address the issue e.g. ‘please lower your voice’ or ‘inside voices please’ instead of just vaguely ‘naughty’.

You could say something to SIL like ‘we don’t use the word naughty, if there is an issue then please address her behaviour directly’.

But I get the feeling your SIL won’t care about that and will keep using the word. It’s a shame you can’t visit as often. Do you know when they’ll move out?

All of this.

I wondered if you might be Asian and the auntie name is "mami" and it has more cultural significance in its usage as a title (random lady in grocery store might be referred to as "auntie"). If it's something like that can you train up daughter to call her "insert name mami" and don't contemplate changing what she calls you.

I wouldn't stress too much though, if she goes on to have children who are boisterous toddlers her outlook will change

This is all sounds very minor. I would also tell a child not to squirt me. But if it’s pissing you off, every time the SIL tells her off (she’s barely telling her off in my opinion) just say ‘Oh, she’s fine’. Keep saying it and she may get the hint you don’t won’t her opinion.

When we had our first my DH used to tell him off for those silly non events as well. He was always so well behaved as well (still is now at 22. Never had any trouble with him) I remember one day just saying to him "Was you not allowed to have fun when you was his age or something? Why are you telling him off when he isn't misbehaving, he is just acting like a 3yr old?" He was wuite taken aback by it but he was getting on my tits. He learned to loosen up after that.
Tell her to keep out of it. You're more than capable of telling your DD to behave if needed, her interference isn't needed.

I’d be a bit wary with a three year old rolling on the floor with a baby. I think if you weren’t stepping in then you are putting other adults in a situation where they have to. I think she is overstepping in some areas, but that’s because you aren’t stepping in where you should and that’s causing her to build a habit and think you aren’t parenting when you should be