To be concerned about the way my granddaughter was told about her biological dad?

[ByKindOtter]

Phone call last week from SIL crying that my daughter had told their daughter (my grand daughter) aged 8, that he was not her 'real' dad.

For context my daughter and sil been together since gd was 2 years old. She had been brought up to believe that he is her real dad and they have a good relationship.

Have been informed that my daughter, whilst both having a few drinks in the evening randomly told my gd that, he's not your real dad you know that don't you? Apparntly gd was confused and thought it was a game but daughter doubled down and said he's not your real dad. SIL in tears and gd confused.

This has all been confirmed by my daughter as well, according to them nothing was planned before hand about this and was completely random.

Feel so bad for gd, daughter is not concerned about it which makes me think I'm over reacting to be concerned and to be rather upset with her. Not sure if relevant but they are young parents, 24 and 27

Anon account due to sensitive topic

Surely they had some idea as to how they would approach this?

She needs to know and 8 is a good time to bring it up, preferably earlier. She may not have gone about it in the right way though, did she do it to annoy/upset her husband?

How does granddaughter feel?

They are not young parents at this point, just normal age parents so I don’t think that’s relevent. I’d stay out of it, it’s up to her what she tells her own child, even if she has done it in a completely stupid way. He shouldn’t be crying to you about it, and really neither of them should have lied to your grand daughter in the first place. Leave them to sort out their own mess and support your granddaughter where needed.

So they were planning on lying to her forever?

Very confused who everyone is and who said what , but :

a person should always grow up knowing who their biological parents are for medical reasons never mind psychological

shame on bio dad for not being involved
shame on mum for lying
drunken gobshites should know better too

Yes I'm inclined to stay out of it, just trying to process own feelings.
The intention as I always knew was that they'd see him as her her real dad for life due bio father being not interested, wasn't there for birth or pregnancy.
Granddaughter has received some bullying from the other siblings regarding this as they know now, daughter dosent really seem to care at all. The instability for my gd is what concerns me now

She should have been told well before now IMO and the way your daughter handled it was not great.

Well, having a few drinks and blurting it out unplanned is a shitty way to do it but it's done. Surely your SIL didn't think it would never come out? That would be appalling and he is confusing her more if he's crying in front of her about it (and why is he crying to you? Is he expecting Mummy to step in and tell her daughter off? As PP said, was your daughter trying to get at him by saying this?)

He needs to show her he loves her and is her dad in all the important ways. And prob both should lay off the booze if this is what happens.

So she got drunk and blurted it out to an 8yo with no conversation with SiL? Yeah I’d be raging OP. Maybe she does need to know, and maybe she is at an age and maturity now to know it - none of us on here know her so can’t comment, some 8yos would be some absolutely would not. Even if she is this is the kind of thing that needs careful and sensitive handling from both parents. If SiL is the only dad she’s ever known then regardless of the biology he’s her Dad.

Your daughter was a real cunt.

So she has older kids that are his? Who told them?

Well it didn't come out the best way.
But they should have brought her up knowing this, not some big secret.
There should have been photos and stories, it should have been just part of GD's life.
To know before understanding is the way to go.

Is your daughter an alcoholic btw?

Sorry, it's your daughter's other children who are the siblings bullying their (presumably older) half-sibling, now the big secret is out? How old are these siblings?

So your daughter told her daughter when drunk that the man she believed to be her father in fact is not. Then your son-in-law told you.

Your dd had handled this so badly. Poor kid. Your dd sounds very callous about the whole thing. Are they generally good parents and this was a drunken moment of madness? Or are there wider problems?

The news is out now, all you can do is support your dgd. She must be so upset. I hope her parents have been able to talk to her in a calmer and more reasonable way since.

They can be 5 at most, can't be bullying an 8 year old much

Eight years old and no one has told her the truth? That's really awful. Blurting out drunk shit is secondarily awful. Your child clearly likes hurting people - that's something to be concerned about.

The siblings need to be told in no uncertain terms to stop the bullying. That's awful.

Your daughter is a nasty piece of work who needs to stop drinking. Regardless of the morality of whether a child should know the details of their birth parents; they should be told in a kind and sensitive way. Not because the mum has had a few and turns into a gobshite.

The intention as I always knew was that they'd see him as her her real dad for life due bio father being not interested, wasn't there for birth or pregnancy

It's too late for your family now but just in case anyone else is reading- this is not a good intention. Ever. It's a really bad one. Tell the truth from the very beginning.

She did need to find out at some stage and eight is not a bad age to be told. Old enough to understand but not old enough to feel lied to.

However being told by a drunken adult is vile. Your daughter was nasty and cruel to do that.

I feel sorry both for your Granddaughter and SIL.

It was a mistake to pretend SIL was DGD bio dad. At least that has been rectified now, although the way DD did it was absolutely dreadful.

I think in your position all you can do is provide support to DGD. Do you know where her bio dad is? She may have questions…

That is really cruel of her to say it like that. Randomly and suddenly.
It should have been a considered conversation, maybe combined with a it of a treat and conversation with son in law about how he wants to tell her too.
Thr only thing i can think of is that your daughter may not be happy in the marriage and planning to leave. Maybe she wanted things to blow up??

The way she told her is awful, it probably was the right time to tell her but not without a discussion with your SIL first and she should have been told in a different way.

The other siblings can’t be any older than 5 or 6, what are they saying to your grandaughter? Surely they don’t really understand and it should be easy to put a stop to this.

I’d be distraught too! Springing the news on her after drinking booze on a random evening?
I don’t know where to start. They should have been honest with the child from the outset, not lied about who her father is. 😭

Wow your daughter is a piece of work isn’t she. Either callous or unthinking. Either way, the emotional intelligence of a dead stick. How cruel and awful to blurt it out like that. Does she want to end her marriage?

I feel so sorry for both GD and Son in law. Hopefully he can reassure her that she is still his DD in his eyes and loves her equally. But how damaging for her.

No real advice except that your daughter needs a lesson in empathy and parenting.