To be concerned about the way my granddaughter was told about her biological dad?

[ByKindOtter]

Phone call last week from SIL crying that my daughter had told their daughter (my grand daughter) aged 8, that he was not her 'real' dad.

For context my daughter and sil been together since gd was 2 years old. She had been brought up to believe that he is her real dad and they have a good relationship.

Have been informed that my daughter, whilst both having a few drinks in the evening randomly told my gd that, he's not your real dad you know that don't you? Apparntly gd was confused and thought it was a game but daughter doubled down and said he's not your real dad. SIL in tears and gd confused.

This has all been confirmed by my daughter as well, according to them nothing was planned before hand about this and was completely random.

Feel so bad for gd, daughter is not concerned about it which makes me think I'm over reacting to be concerned and to be rather upset with her. Not sure if relevant but they are young parents, 24 and 27

Anon account due to sensitive topic

Did they have an argument and she was trying to punish him?
Is she having an affair and wants to leave him?
It was a really shitty thing your daughter did.

I think she should have been told earlier, but that is an awful way to do it. I’d be concerned that they are drinking around young kids to the point that stuff like that is said. I’d also be concerned that the other children haven’t been told to stop immediately with the bullying. It’s done so there’s not much you can do, but I would be monitoring the situation as it doesn’t sound like the best environment.

Granddaughter has received some bullying from the other siblings regarding this as they know now, daughter dosent really seem to care at all.

I'm sorry but your daughter's behaviour and lack of concern for her child are despicable.

Are you an involved grandma? Do you ever have your DGD visit you without her parents/have a sleepover? Because I think she needs some affectionate one to one time with you where she can talk, and you can reassure her that the dad she knows is her dad on pretty much every way and loves her as his daughter.

Meanwhile you tell your daughter to stop the other kids bullying her. They might not be old enough to understand what they're doing, but it still needs stopping. You can't stand by and let that happen.

It seems like that was a flawed plan from the beginning on both their parts. And it’s weird for any man to immediately cosplay as someone’s dad from the age of 2.

Your daughter is a nasty piece of work by the sounds of it.

how old is the gd and the other children?

There’s a difference between knowing you have a bio dad and considering someone your dad. It has been possible from age 2 for this child to know your SIL is her dad but she has a bio dad. The mistake was lying to her in the first place. How confusing for the poor child.

It's unwise for your granddaughter's parents not to have already told her, but your daughter was callous and has shown no remorse. There's no way I'd be keeping out of it, I would tell her that her behaviour was disgusting and I was ashamed of her.

If she was genuinely concerned about her niece she would have behaved differently, she wouldn't just have blurted it out and shrugged at the upset she'd caused.

She had been brought up to believe that he is her real dad

So they lied to her? That was a bit stupid. Children should not be lied to about something so massive. But there are ways of breaking that news to children and your daughter in law went about it all the wrong way.

Every single thing about this story seems completely dysfunctional, I feel so sorry for those kids.

(The little ones, not the big ones who started breeding before they had a clue. )

Yes, I think this is a fair point. Was the motivation for blurting out something so hurtful, drunkenly, to an eight year old to strike at her partner?

And of course the idea they were never going to tell the child, but keep the pretence up for life, is spectacularly blinkered, never mind utterly unethical — if the relationship between the OP’s daughter and her partner ends, chances are he won’t see his supposed ‘daughter’ again, ever. So she will have lost two fathers.

Blurting it out while drunk was pretty bad.

Yes your gd needs to know but it should have been introduced gently from much earlier, both parents (I.e your Dd and SIL) should have had a united front and demonstrated that together they are the parents within the family, and your Dd should not have used negative language , undermining a man who has presumably fulfilled a role as father , dismissing him as ‘he’s not your real Dad’. He’s very real in the role to your Dgd. Your DD essentially dismissed his role.

So yes, I think your Dd has behaved badly. Not surprised your SIL is upset, tho actually crying to you is a bit OTT.

Be ready to answer questions and reassure your Dgd if she asks or talks about it. Explain that a Daddy who loves you and looks after you isn’t always the same man who made your Mum pregnant, or whatever language she understands about conception, pregnancy etc.

Does your Dd often drunk and act less than wisely?

Yes, a 24 yo Mum of an 8 yo is a young parent.

Am I reading this right?

Your daughter had a baby at 16 and wasn’t with the father.

She got with SIL when he was 21 and she was 18, so they were young parents.

They didn’t ever tell GD that her SD wasn’t her real Dad.

Then when her daughter was aged 8 when drunk her mother (your daughter) blurted it out.

Yeah that was a pretty serious mess from your daughter and likely very damaging and traumatic for her DD and not great for her relationship with her partner either. She is minimising her damaging behaviour here too. None of that sounds good.

I know op probably wont be back now but we had this situation in my family. My cousin was raised to believe his Dad by all intents and purposes was his bio dad. Were the same age but I found out when I was around 13. He still didnt know. I hated keeping that 'secret' and eventually he found out at 16 I didnt tell him but another couson did. It caused major fall out that so many people knew and he didnt.
Even at 13 I was thinking "why have they made this a thing by pretending!?!?" It was obvious there was no pics of his mum and dad together when she was pregnant or him holding "his" baby!

Explain to your granddaughter that her ‘real’ father is the man who looks after her. The other is a genetic connection.

Being drunk around a child is terrible
blurting things out without considering her feelings is terrible
lying to a child about who their parents are is terrible, this could have been explained over the years easily
showing no remorse and making no effort to care is terrible

I would call SIL back and tell him you love him and he’s a real dad as far as you’re concerned, make sure he tells granddaughter he loves her just as much etc.

when you next have the kids remind them
theyre all full siblings and need to be kind to each other and family is about love not blood.

out of interest who’s surname do all the kids have? I hope they all have mums.

Oh well done for deciphering that! I was so confused about who was who and how they were related to each other.

Strange way to devolge rhis by doing so while drinking or drunk.
Best the grand daughter knows and who would and will know how to will go down.
As long as the mother hopefully has a sensible talk to the daughter when she is able to get it together.
Teasing will happen uet as long as it isnt cruel comments.
Many kids dont have or see a dad its not that uncommon but people always have to lay on the pity...most kids will be ok in a stable family.
School might have a counsellor of she needs I hope.

I’m with you op, that was a disgraceful way of telling her and with no warning or discussion with SIL.
however she should know who her bio dad is, for future medical reasons if nothing else. So the focus should now be on minimising gd’s upset and making sure she feels valued as part of the family.

That was not for your daughter to tell. Irrespective of what the opinions are around should she have known earlier or not or at all, she should have been told by her parents exclusively. What was the purpose of your DD exposing the truth like that? Is she jealous of her sister? Is she known to stir the pot for excitement? I’d be furious and letting that poor family know how embarrassed and mortified I am.

This 8yo has just had the rug pulled from underneath her feet. She will be thinking all sorts of things and on top of this she is also being bullied by her siblings.

Neice? It’s her own DD!

It’s son in law not sister in law.

Op is grandmother.

Her DD told her own DD that husband (OPs son in law) is not real Dad.

Blurting it out while drunk is bad but they absolutely should not have lied to that child. She will now be fucked up on account of the fact she was lied to her whole life and additionally fucked up by the fact it was just blurted out over drinks. Get the poor kid in therapy.

Your daughter is a disgrace as a parent, what an awful way to deal with a sensitive subject

Poor kid and poor SIL...

It was wrong of the mother to get drunk and then randomly blurt out to her young daughter that the man she married is not her father.

Totally insensitive and immature.

I have no idea why anyone could be so cruel.

Both parents should have planned the conversation and reassured the child that she is and will always be loved by both.

Your daughter also not stopping the bullying by siblings as a result is also completely unacceptable.

She sounds like a dreadful parent and if I were you I would not hesitate to tell her to get her act together in no uncertain words.

What a mean, nasty thing your daughter has done. Even more disturbing is her lack of care or remorse and that she's not bothered about her daughter being bullied by her other children. Your son in law is more upset and concerned that your granddaughter's own Mum.
Your granddaughter needs protecting from a heartless mother and you need to step up and ensure she's getting the support she needs. Imagine at 8 having that bombshell dropped on you (she should have been aware all along) and then the person that should be protecting you, is ignoring the hurt and damage and allowing your siblings to bully you.
Don't ignore it. Shame on your daughter.

What an awful way to announce that. My husband came into my children's lives when they were tiny. A couple of years later, I think my eldest was 4, he had made my partner a Fathers Day card at school. Their biological dad shacked up with someone else before I'd even had the second baby, so they'd never had a father figure but my partner.

That's when I gently explained that he isn't their real dad, but he does all the dad things and it's up to my son if he still wanted to give him the Fathers Day card. He did. He asked if he should call him Dad, instead of his name. I told him he can do whatever he wanted.
They both know their bio dad by sight, I made sure they knew who he was before anyone else could spring it on them (new woman was also pregnant soon enough too.) Good job I did as once they were playing out, half brother had approached them saying he's their brother 😐

I think kids should know as early as possible, they should judge a potential father figure by his actions, not because they believe he's really their dad and because the mum wants to keep it a secret. I wouldn't be able to stop myself from having a go at my dd if I were you. That kid will remember that moment, two people she trusted have hurt her, the mum especially though, the dad for not being honest from earlier on. I still remember things from when I was 4, my dad leaving the family home etc.
Your gd needs alot of love and reassurance now.