When & Why did parenting become child centric?

[crawlingovertheline]

I’m curious to understand why there’s been such a shift in parenting over the past 50 years.

Children of the 70s/80s were (ok, this is generalising) definitely second to the parents needs. Safety didn’t seem a priority, attitudes toward nutrition are exponentially different to how they are now, we (again generalising) were kicked out at 18, on our own to find our way.
Now parents promise to be the best they can be for their kids, they (we) toil and make massive sacrifices to do everything we can for our children.

Why the shift though? Where did it start? Any clues?

I was born in 1984. I'm guessing they were only compulsory for babies/toddlers though? We had booster cushions when we were older, but I also remember going on holiday with 4 of us on the back seat and the children moving to the footwell for more space

This is nothing like the experience of my own family or any of my friends. Those who went to uni didn't 'leave home' at 18. They were just at uni in term time and home for the holidays. Mostly, they got jobs after uni and did then left home.

Those who didn't go to uni didn't leave home until they could afford a place of their own. Mid twenties was the norm.

The area in which things were most different were the concept of family holidays. We didn't need to bring a friend or go on an activity holiday.

No matter how we were parented and no matter how we parent now, in 20/30 years our kids will be on the future equivalent of mumsnet complaining about how they have been brought up and how damaging their childhood was. Just look at the stuff people bitch about now.

so every generation is judged and in the words of Philip Larkin, “They fuck you up, your Mum and Dad. They don’t mean to, but they do”.

So for everyone here who’s absolutely insistent they are amazing parents, give it time and your kids will hate you and complain about their upbringing and how awful you are. Because it’s a rite of passage and you’ll be crucified by what you don’t know now.

OP you are only quoting people who agree with you!

Agree ,OP is only agreeing with people that have the same agenda!

So true! I used the parts of my upbringing that I liked and changed the bits I didn't. I think I've done a good job, DC say I have, but it wasn't perfect. I think I put too much pressure on DS2 to do well, because he's super bloody smart. And i was over compensating for his dad being a prick. What we didn't realise was that he has ADHD and hit burn out just before his GCSEs. As a result he barely passed the 3 he did.

But I did what I thought was the right thing. Now we're working through the fallout together.

No I’m not! It’s all interesting, theres loads I agree with and recognise, I can’t comment on everything! Please don’t assume you know what people are thinking, that’s really unfair.

I’m guessing because in the past peoples main focus was feeding the children and keeping them alive, whereas now we have better rates of childhood survival is about emotional wellbeing and enrichment.

I’m Gen X and basically raised myself. I didn’t want my kids to have to raise themselves so I’ve over compensated and done everything for them. Over correction is very common so perhaps some of this stuff is also a pendulum swing away from what was wrong in previous generations.

Jeeze, I’m watching TV and talking to my husband at the same time. I’m sorry I’m not giving a perfectly constructed reply to each post! I’ll try harder….

The government stopped parents from hitting and beating us.

Without the aid of slaps, wooden spoons, balck eyes and hair-pulling, parents had to speak to their children and train them to behave proactively, rather than hitting us reactively when they found us naughty/wilful//independent.

Screens are the biggest barrier to parenting nowadays and parents are spending less time even looking at their kids, let alone taching them to talk, read, sit up with flopping onto the floor, brush teeth, or use a toilet. A lot of the current generation are being failed by their parents.

I think social mobility is a factor too. Did people used to stay nearer family growing up? So you felt your kid could play out because grandfather lives a cross the road, aunty's in the next road and beyween you all you know everyone because you all went to school together, it's your mum's mate from work in number 8 and so on.

Not sure ehy the change - maybe with more people going to uni and staying away, fewer industry towns so you need to move for work, second home ownership in holiday destinations pushes young first time buyers who want to stay further out, and improved transport options? At one time you would have had say a car factory employing whole branches of family trees.

I think statistics show it's no less or more safe in terms of stranger danger outside for children now than decades ago but it will feel less safe. The media will be part of feeding that.

I agree. My neighbour had a go at me tonight because i am not ‘controlling’ my kids to his satisfaction. It’s bloody frustrating as one had additional needs and I’m doing the absolute best I can and ask anyone in the schools or clubs they attend and they would say they’re model kids.

...and there's the new norm of not wanting to spend time with your kids, to the extent that mumsnetters think it's not unreasonable to dread the propspect of a weekend with your own offspring.

Priorities, education and average wealth have changed over time, but most parents have always sacrificed for their children. And there have always been, and unfortunately always will be some that are bad, neglectful or abusive.

For example, looking at nutrition the specifically.

My parents grew up in the post war era, their parents sacrificed by literally fighting wars and nutritional priorities for them were about making sure kids had enough to eat post-rationing.

When I was growing up my parents tried to give us a nutritious diet but there was much less concern about processed foods at the time, and a lot of processed foods were seen as good options to give kids. They sacrificed by working hard to give us opportunities they didn't have and prioritising those opportunities over spending on themselves.

Nowadays the issue is kids being overweight, not underweight, therefore nutritional priorities have changed. It's not that parents of previous generations cared less, they were just told different things were good or necessary.

The next generation will be different again - and different for different people as everyone tries to correct for the particular things their own parents didn't get quite right and so it will continue ad infinitum.

I think the biggest change to childhood is because of cars. Children can't play out any more because of the number of cars. Parents are scared to let them out (understandably if cars are thundering past your door every 10 seconds) so children grow up anxious and bored, without the joy and confidence building experience of free play. Parents then feel they have to provide all the fun and entertainment in their kids lives, as it's them or a screen. I think this leads parents to overindulge their kids.

For those in the early pages doubting the higher rates of mental health problems in children (I haven't rtft). It's only my personal experience I know, but I've been a teacher for 20 years and the general mental wellbeing of the kids I teach has noticeably deteriorated in that time.

Having had a miserable time as a child, and finally escaping, I swore I would never make my child so unhappy.

I've cared for my ds for 17 years. Raised him in a healthy respectful way, and produced a kind, confident young man. Our home is happy, harmonious and free of all the conflict I experienced.

So much better for everyone concerned.

This, I think.

I think it’s knowledge.

For work we do mental health first aid training, and there was one for teen. I learned that children have more rights now, more than ever before.

I think collectivity we have realised that children are humans that become adults, and hurt children become hurt adults.

I think there is a difference between what some might call gentle parenting, whereby you let the child control everything - that is unhealthy and I think that produces confused children.

I think there is a rise in parents who do want their children to be the best version of themselves that they can be, so they make the sacrifices but there is also that boundary in terms of letting them know that they are still developing and we are responsible for them legally anyway, until a certain age, so they need to respect that, yet they can be open.

This is an excellent point

I was born in the 70s. My parents definitely put me and my brother first, we were not secondary to their needs.

The Children of the parents who put their own needs above those of their kids grew up traumatised by the result of some of their parents decisions, had their own kids and vowed to not repeat the same mistakes, cos they know just how damaging it is. Also, we’re much more educated & informed about how certain adverse childhood experiences can fuck you up for life. Children deserve to have sacrifices made for them, if you don’t want to make sacrifices, don’t have kids. It’s that simple. It’s not like the 70s where is was expected you’d have kids and you’d be a bit of a freak if you didn’t. It’s much more of a choice now. If you’re not prepared to drastically alter your life and put your kids above everything and everyone else, just don’t have them.

I disagree that most people who experience a tough childhood vow not to repeat the same mistakes- obviously some do, and those people are much more likely to be on a parenting website.
Sadly we know that it’s more likely that people will repeat their childhood experiences - there are many children with disinterested parents who have no interest in accessing the wealth of information or support - they aren’t on mumsnet. It’s one of the things that was so good about Sure Start centres - accessing those groups and trying to improve their children’s life chances. This thread is very much focusing on a certain sector of society. There is a big difference between deliberate ‘gentle-parenting’ taken too far and allowing the children to do what they want but with good intention and neglectful parenting where the children are not parented properly because the parent lacks the knowledge / role models or cba.

They became compulsory in the front around 1984. Most cars just didn't have seat belts in the back then.

There's a difference between needs and wants. The children's needs should com first, but not necessarily their wants. Giving children everything they want all the time and living your whole life around entertaining them isn't necessarily good for them.

Depends on the household, surely? I didn’t drink plain water until I left home. Drinks growing up were always squash - the orange with the tartrazine in or blackcurrant. We took it with us in bottles if we were having a picnic.