When & Why did parenting become child centric?

[crawlingovertheline]

I’m curious to understand why there’s been such a shift in parenting over the past 50 years.

Children of the 70s/80s were (ok, this is generalising) definitely second to the parents needs. Safety didn’t seem a priority, attitudes toward nutrition are exponentially different to how they are now, we (again generalising) were kicked out at 18, on our own to find our way.
Now parents promise to be the best they can be for their kids, they (we) toil and make massive sacrifices to do everything we can for our children.

Why the shift though? Where did it start? Any clues?

Agree with this! When there were only 3 or 4 channels everyone watched the same thing! It was fab and I really miss that with my kids who just want to game all the time

What an intersting post. I don't think I've heard this point made in this way before. Really thought provoking.

It has been said that a huge part of the increase in anxiety in young people is linked to the lack of autonomy they're given in the real world, and the complete over exposure they're given to things online. Children need to gain confidence in the real world by being allowed to do things alone and with friends at the right age, without being helicopter parented.

My grandmother and her siblings were born between 1914 and 1926. They would’ve had more siblings but her dad used to push her mum down the stairs as a DIY abortion.

my grandmothers parents said no then beat the shit out of her to reiterate.

so you know, there are all flavours of bull in the world. lots of things have changed. I don’t break my children’s arms when I say no.

Seat belts didn't exist? Neither of mine ever travelled unsecured. They always had car seats, even my mum had car seats if she drove them anywhere. Coming home from the maternity ward meant securing baby in carry cot, then securing the carry cot in a harness on the back seat. I won't lie we'd love to have had a baby carrier with isofix, but we endeavoured to get that baby home safely.

I've seen some awful public parenting in very recent years, but I don't assume that that's the norm for modern parents. As someone else said up thread, there are good and bad parents in any time period. Some things change, often for the better but not always.

University! Wow! My v v working class, impoverished great grandparents and grandparents all had to leave school at 14 to enter work. Even the scholarship kids at grammar school. One was offered a full scholarship to stay on and their parents wouldn’t let them as the family needed the money they’d bring in.

Where did you grow up? All the mothers were home until I was at secondary school at least, then they generally did school hours jobs.
My friend and I were discussing this recently and she said there was one mum at her school who was a businesswoman and had a briefcase, and this was seen as a big thing because she was the only one!

Smaller families and a far more affluent society overall today.

Parents had either been through WWII or had been brought up by people who had direct experience of loss and trauma. Hard lives and a lot of stress.

The previous generation from them might have had ten children. If you were struggling to feed them and keep everyone alive, and managing your own drunk violent husband, you didn’t have time or energy to worry about Harry’s personal development.

Channel 4 was not invented till I was 18

you youngsters have no idea

TV was only running from Play School (3.30 pm) to the evening news (11pm)
nothing at ANY other time of day

When child psychology became much more widely understood. Winnicott, Bowlby, Alice miller et al. Society became aware of early childhood trauma having lifelong affects. Before that it was believed that children would forget everything.
we got scared to make mistakes with out kids and the line between being their parent and their friend became blurred.
plus the backlash in the 70’s to junk food. And colourings. Remember E numbers? So then we had to worry about food. It’s been tough for us parents!

The first ever "child seat" in the UK was the Britax Egg which came out in 1971
it had to have special straps
as rear seat belts did not exist then

I think it depends on part on financial circumstances. My family were skint working class, and the women all worked, but they weren’t businesswomen! They were chars, cooks, took in laundry, things like that. My mum got her and her little brother to and from school alone from when she was about 6 (1950s), by the 1970s/80s I was allowed to walk myself alone to school till I was a bit older, but not much, as mum worked (cleaner then in a library, poshest job anyone in our family had had by that point as was the first non-manual job anyone had held)

This is partly what I meant about Madeleine Mcann - people are terrified of letting children out of their sight. Because if it could happen to middle class doctors, it could happen to anyone. Children become revered, and they have less independence.

Contraception made the difference.
There were still ‘shotgun’ weddings and mother and baby homes when I was young in the 60s. Then contraception became more available (only for married women initially) and you could choose whether to have a baby or not. If you chose to have one or two you were going to spoil them more than someone who didnt want one

im a child of the 70,s . I was constantly told a child should be seen and not heard. We were definitely secondary to our parents relationship and mum still insists my dad comes first. Infact she said if she had to choose who to save in a fire it would be my dad.
my husband and I agree our kids come first,

Thank you, this is exactly what I’m talking about when I started the thread.

In the early 90s there was a proliferation of ‘child-led’ parenting theories which were very sensible - so for example breast feed on demand rather than regimented 4 hour intervals. They were an encouragement to parents to go at the pace and interests of the child rather than enforce overly authoritarian rules.

Unfortunately like all religions, people move away from the original intention and zealously interpret ‘child led’ as ‘child dictate’. This suits a lot of lazy and gormless parents because they can hide behind ‘allowing them to express themselves’ or ‘we don’t use the word no’ to abdicate any discipline or boundaries which is actually what children need.

The theories and research show that children can still be allowed to be themselves, just within safe parental-set boundaries. This helps them thrive. But so many parents fail because they think that any sort of assertiveness or challenge to the child’s wants and tantrums is wrong. It isn’t.

It's not better though is it? Making children the centre of the universe isn't good for them.
People having fewer children is probably part of it.

I’m a child of the 70s/80s and my parents did a much better job of parenting than I have done. They were consistent, loving, fair and always there. It never occurred to me that I was more or less loved than anyone else in the household or that I was a burden.

I am far less present given I work full time, my husband and I had real trouble early on because he’s a very involved dad and we would have differing views on how to do things (we’ve resolved that now but we’re 14 years in.) Because we haven’t managed to be as present and consistent (despite best efforts) our kids act up and because no has not always meant an unequivocal no they challenge more, which leads to friction because after a day’s work we don’t have the energy to resist. And because kids nowadays know all about psychology and mental health and how everything is all their parents’ fault we get hit with that as well.
I’m so over parenting in this era.

There was plenty of UPFs in the 80s and 90s. I was brought up on tinned meatballs, Findus crispy pancakes, frozen pizzas, oven chips, etc.

Depends where you lived. In the countryside at least mothers were at home with small children because there weren't childcare options.

I feel like the world we live in has changed massively, we are so much more materialistic/ consumer led. When I was younger (born late 80’s) an amazing trip out would be softplay or macdonalds for a birthday - nowadays softplay is an everyday thing, there are so many more child led activities available that just weren’t around when we were younger, we spent the weekend playing on the streets - these days hanging round the streets where I live is seen as a bad thing - instead kids are taken from club to club, play dates and afterschool care etc, everyone is juggling work, childcare and free time, life is more fast paced.

my children were born 2009-2019 and the difference between the first and second is even miles apart. With my eldest smart phones were a rarity to have where as, my youngest everyone has them. So many of younger friend have access to these and iPads to keep them quiet. So much online advice, gentle parenting and different techniques. A lot of parents tiptoe around their children and can’t say no or put boundaries in place properly and give in for an easy life (again I feel this is because life is so face paced and stressful now that parents need to switch off), pollution levels, diet and disconnection from parents all effect a child’s development.

I work in early years and since Covid it’s becoming a bit unbearable. Half the children coming in at 2 are not hitting milestones - speech being a main one. SEND services overwhelmed. Parents not parenting - it’s like they’ve lost all common sense, school refusal at 3 years old etc… obviously not all but I would say a good 30%

im not sure what’s changed since Covid, I do see parents pushing pushchairs with headphones in, toddlers with phones etc and I do feel a big part to blame is just even without realising we are becoming disconnected with our children, when early years is such a vital time for brain development those pathways are not being formed through connection, nutrition etc.

I don't think they do have more mental health issues.
Most of my friends were self-harming in the 90s. One was anorexic.

Do you not think the children that went missing before Madeline McCann made any difference? When James Bulger was murdered do you think other parents just shrugged? What about the children murdered by the Moors murderers?

We had car seats in the 80s. I think they hooked over the seat somehow. My mum talks about bringing us home from hospital in a carry cot that had to be strapped into the back of the car. But the babies weren't strapped into the carrycot in anyway!
We also did a lot of extra curricular activities. They were far more affordable in those days.

It was the fact that they were middle class doctors that was different to other, previous children being taken. Plus, nothing happens in a vacuum, and other factors (and I agree with the every child matters campaign making a big change in schools) all came together around the same time.