Am I justified in feeling offended when mistaken for my toddler's granny?

[QuirkyOliveQuoter]

I’m sick of being mistaken for my toddlers grandma, am I justified in being (quietly) offended?

Im 37. I don’t think I look bad or particularly old! but its happened 2 times in past few days-
I picked her up from nursery and it was a worker I’ve never met before. As she didn’t know who should be doing pick up, she went and got someone else. She came and laughed and apologised and said, ‘oh sorry, I was just saying I don’t know (xxx)’s ma-‘ she literally stopped herself saying mam and looked and me for a split second, then said ‘…. relatives’ - it was so obvious she thought I was grandma that one of the other mothers I get on really well with made a quiet joke about it when she went to get my child.
I wouldn’t have minded but I heard her say to the next lass, ‘sorry, I don’t know everyone yet- you must be (xxx)’s mammy’ !
It happened once before with a health visitor, she said ‘are you mam or….?’

Then today on the bus someone said to me, ‘are you mam or granny?’

i was fuming 🤣 is this a normal question? I don’t think of myself as being a sensitive or self conscious person in the slightest but I honestly think it’s so rude. I get I’m not obviously 20- but its different if I was obviously of granny-ing age but surely if it’s ambiguous it’s rude to ask?
It’s just someone looking at you and thinking you’re far to old to be a mother makes me feel so self conscious, I struggled with infertility for so so so many years and I don’t feel I look old enough to be considered Gran over mother!

One time I was confused for being my SIL's mother- there is 2 years between us!

When I was younger and dd was about 15 some people mistook us for sisters and one woman asked dd if she was her siblings mum. She is only 5 years older than her!
Dd looked at her like she was insane. As if a 15 year old is the mother of a 10 year old.
Some people just don’t engage their brain.

Do you? If 29.6y is the average for a first time mum then 5 years either side is going to be common.

If you come from an are with a lot of young pregnancies fhwn your average gran will be younger too,

my husband got it in his early thirties, he’s now in his 50s and still occassionally references it, he went grey very early and picking our daughter up from reception he was made to wait and a teacher called me and said there’s an old man with grey hair here to pick your daughter up, he genuinely looked his age, early 30s, was very odd.😂

I’m a bit confused about your interpretation of what the nursery worker said - it sounds like she did want to use the word Mum/Mam… then she changed it to be more neutral - maybe they are trained to keep it open, so as not to offend. I often work with children that I don’t know, and I’m trained to ask where their “grown-up” is rather than presuming they have a Mum or indeed any parent as their carer.
I know you said she referred to Mum for the next child though.
Do you look very different to your child physically? I know parents whose race looks different to their child’s sometimes have their relationship to their child questioned.
This is rude and it must be annoying.
& the person on your bus was very rude!

I can see why you feel offended, but you sound like you are confident in yourself in terms of how you look, so I think all you can do is laugh it off.

My sister went grey very young and was asked if she was grandmas at various school/party pick ups when she was in her 20s! She started dyeing her hair…

I never once said that other areas didn't have older mums. Ive said all along its area dependent its you that doesn't understand that other areas its the norm for people to have children younger

So you don't understand how averages work

I got mistaken as my nephews gran once at school pick-up, and technically I was old enough to be his gran, but in no way was I old enough to be my sister’s mum 😱 That thought horrified me .

Do you live in an area with a high percentage of teenage/ young pregnancies ?
I don't think it's usual to think a 37 year old is 'granny'.
I used to be mistaken for my dad's girlfriend ( I was 18, he was 38- he did look young 😂) and then later on, when my mum was a 'granny' of a toddler in her early 40's , she was mistaken as his mum all the time.
So I wonder what the demographic is like where you live.

I had mine at 44. No one has ever asked am I my daughter´s grandmother. Give them a white stick as a gift.

You said youve never known of a mum giving birth in their thirties. You disparingily stared it was a mumsnet thing that women give birth in their 30s and 40s.

Im saying thats nonsense and have given evidence to prove so. Of course the average age is area dependent. But the average age across the country for a first time mother is 29.6. There are no areas of the UK where having your first child in your thirties is unheard of.

You obviously used hyperbole to make your original point. It wasn't accurate, was it? Just own it, nothing wrong with that.

Im not engaging with you anymore- you're either a bit dense, or a liar, or both.

DH was mistaken for my father the other week. I found it much funnier than he did.

I was 42 when I had my fourth child. Nobody has ever mistaken me for his granny!

Only if you think that bringing up children is "drudgery" How about people who do it as a job?

I had my first at just 18 and my last at 38. I could have been his gran. With the first I occasionally got asked if he was my little brother.

Please learn to read or stop replying to my comments

I’m always very careful not to make assumptions as people are having babies later in life these days. But it’s a bit of a stretch for people to think you come from a family where two generations had children in their teens.

‘Sorry, I don’t know everyone yet, you must be her Mammy? ‘ How is that a mistake for Grandma, I don’t get it?

Don’t forget that staff have to be very PC. They usually say ‘grown up’ instead of Mum or Dad.

Regarding the health visitor - health professionals should always check who they are talking to regarding a child. I would always ask “are you mum?” Not because I think they are grandma/auntie/whoever, just because I have to ask. You might have been overthinking that one?

I believe it. I grew up in a relatively deprived costal area and 2 girls in my class were already heavily pregnant by the time we left school (both of them not long turned 16). Only a few of us went to college/uni, most stayed and started families by their early 20s. We are 40 now so they could very easily be grandmother's already, whereas my son is 6!

Its not wrong to feel offended but you can choose to laugh it off too. More than once my husband has been mistaken for my Dad. He is only 5 years older than me and i'm always told i look young for my age. We find it funny.

My best friend from school had her first grandchild when my son was around 2. And her last child the same year, she was pregnant at the same time as her daughter. No teenage pregnancies either, just dc in early 20s through to early 40s.

Thankyou I don't understand why @AutumnAllTheWaythinks im lying.