Am I justified in feeling offended when mistaken for my toddler's granny?

[QuirkyOliveQuoter]

I’m sick of being mistaken for my toddlers grandma, am I justified in being (quietly) offended?

Im 37. I don’t think I look bad or particularly old! but its happened 2 times in past few days-
I picked her up from nursery and it was a worker I’ve never met before. As she didn’t know who should be doing pick up, she went and got someone else. She came and laughed and apologised and said, ‘oh sorry, I was just saying I don’t know (xxx)’s ma-‘ she literally stopped herself saying mam and looked and me for a split second, then said ‘…. relatives’ - it was so obvious she thought I was grandma that one of the other mothers I get on really well with made a quiet joke about it when she went to get my child.
I wouldn’t have minded but I heard her say to the next lass, ‘sorry, I don’t know everyone yet- you must be (xxx)’s mammy’ !
It happened once before with a health visitor, she said ‘are you mam or….?’

Then today on the bus someone said to me, ‘are you mam or granny?’

i was fuming 🤣 is this a normal question? I don’t think of myself as being a sensitive or self conscious person in the slightest but I honestly think it’s so rude. I get I’m not obviously 20- but its different if I was obviously of granny-ing age but surely if it’s ambiguous it’s rude to ask?
It’s just someone looking at you and thinking you’re far to old to be a mother makes me feel so self conscious, I struggled with infertility for so so so many years and I don’t feel I look old enough to be considered Gran over mother!

We could only tell you when you post a picture of yourself

But surely in this case you’d expect the young granny to be called mum, not the mum to be called granny

17 years old repeatedly is more normal than a 37 year old mum where you are, thats crazy! *and somewhat unbelievable

Believe what you want its only on mumsnet i see people having their first kids in their 30s and 40s. I don't see this in real life just like i don't see people earning 100k in real life yet half of mumsnet seems to earn it. I could count on one hand the amount of people who I know who went to uni yet on mumsnet everyone's kid goes to uni. Mumsnet is a very specific demographic. of people.

You never see people in real life have children in their thirties?

Pull the other one

Just checked and the average age for a woman to have a baby (including second and subsequent children) is 30.6. First baby is 29.5.

So you are either living under a rock or lying to say you mebet see anyone having a child in their thirties. Absolute poppycock.

I’ve done it the other way round when a grandmother brought a baby to A&E.
I asked her if she was breastfeeding.
she was very grumpy, you would have thought she’d be pleased 😀
it was a very young parent demographic where I was working to be fair.
Now I just ask ‘are you a relative?’. Much safer

"Are you mum?" is fine. You don't have to add the "or granny".

Well I had my 2 in my early 30s, and was a couple of years off 40 when they started school - and I have never EVER been mistaken for their gran. Not when they were babies, toddlers, infant school age, secondary school age, college and uni age, and now.. Never has anyone thought I am their gran! And I don't look 15 years younger than my age! I have always looked maybe 4-5 years younger, but no more than that.

If the OP had said she had a baby at 44-45, and the child started school when she was 50, then I would get it. It would be understandable that some people may think she's the child's gran. The OP is 37! Some women I know of 37 look like they're in their late 20s/around 30-31. They do NOT look like grannies!

The people coming out with 'are you her gran?' very likely come from an environment/social circle where women start having babies at 18-19, and it's not uncommon for people to become grandparents at 35-40.

If I saw a woman in her late 30s with a baby or a toddler I would instantly assume she was the child's mother.

.

Happened to me in Topshop, the very indignity.

Dithering about spangly heels & the sales asst encouragingly added ‘your teen daughters could wear them’ . I was 36.

Bet they used to see all sorts in the Oxford St branch, mind you.

TBF there are some grans younger than that round here, and quite often a woman will be pregnant the same time as her mum-so if they're dropping the kids off at nursery once they're born, you can understand why staff might be unsure.
But I know mums in their teens and in their late forties who are all brilliant parents, so I never judge or assume!
OP, when I looked after my bf's nephew when I was only 18, I got lots of nasty comments about single teenage mum on benefits (not criticising anyone, but the point was I wasn't, and people were having a go at me), so ignore any comments you don't like!

One of my cousins was a granny at 32, another at 36. They were also still having children at 37.

37 and a grandma! That is very young.
None of my friends were grandmas at that age.
Op, she probably didn’t mean anything unkind. Just very tactless but we all say things we regret.

Blimey, so they started having children at 15-16, and were still having babies at nearly 40? WHY?😱 They're just resigning themselves to a life of drudgery and care. Looking after children for 40-45+ years. As much as people love their children, who wants to set themselves up for 40 or 50 years of raising children?!

Not a life I would sign up for.

I’m the same age as a lot of the grannies at school. But I’m a bit older than you! DH of often mistaken for grandad, even DS laughs about it.

I’m 44 and look roughly 44. I take my sisters 4 year old (my niece) out occasionally.
No one has ever asked if I’m her Gran. Or her Aunt or her Mum.
We actually look alike so we are clearly related but at 44 a 4 year old could be my daughter/ niece/ granddaughter. So I don’t think anyone can ever assume.
Weirdly in my head I assume people know she isn’t my daughter because I do love her but we don’t have the deep bond she has with her Mum and Dad. Maybe that isn’t visible. Who knows.

I think the nursery worker just didn’t know because at 37 you could be mum/ gran/ aunt.

My sister would occasionally pick my now adult children up from school if I was held up at work. She is only 15 years older than my eldest.
A couple of people must have assumed she was his mum and were quite rude to her, which I thought was appalling.

So I don’t think you can take offence to the nursery working just not knowing what relative you are.

This happens to my friend who
is 53, her husband is 59. Even they find it rude.
I would say ignore this. If it bothers you, take an honest look at yourself in the mirror - are you perhaps either very underweight or a bit overweight, is your hair greying, is there something about your style that is aging and you could fix? Weight and hair colour can both make a big difference to age perception.

You get how averages work right?

Like I said I don't know anyone who was a first time mum in their 30s or 40s you need to understand this is very area dependant on when people have kids. I live in a very deprived area people don't tend to go to uni they leave school start working and start families that is the norm for the area.

Not sure why a 53 and 59 year old would find that rude to be honest .

I don’t think you should be offended. You are old enough to be the granny or the mammy.

Yup. The 32 year old was 15 when she got pregnant and so was her daughter. The 32 year is now in her 50's has eight children and already has three great grandchildren. My uncle (their dad) wanted a large family and had 7; his kids continued the tradition and he's now a great great grandfather. All my other family members are quite normal and stuck to having 2 or 3.

DC were 4 and 6 respectively when I was 37 and I never got mistaken for gran - I live in London though and you get all ages! I was one of the youngest mums in DD’s Reception class. It’d evened out by the time I had DS and was in the middle somewhere.

My nearly 9yo DS said to me in the waiting area in hospital the other day "mum, you look like a granny". Thanks son! 🤣🤔🙄😆

The elderly patients waiting for their blood tests were in fits of laughter 😂

I was 38 when I had DD.
One day I was wearing what I thought was a cool Orla Kiely print top, 1960s-style green leaves, and green capri pants.
I’d obviously slipped into fancy dress territory as an older lady (who no doubt remembered the 60s) asked toddler DD to “hand this to your granny”.
DD, always very literal: “She’s my MUMMY!”
Oops…
I just laughed.