Am I justified in feeling offended when mistaken for my toddler's granny?

[QuirkyOliveQuoter]

I’m sick of being mistaken for my toddlers grandma, am I justified in being (quietly) offended?

Im 37. I don’t think I look bad or particularly old! but its happened 2 times in past few days-
I picked her up from nursery and it was a worker I’ve never met before. As she didn’t know who should be doing pick up, she went and got someone else. She came and laughed and apologised and said, ‘oh sorry, I was just saying I don’t know (xxx)’s ma-‘ she literally stopped herself saying mam and looked and me for a split second, then said ‘…. relatives’ - it was so obvious she thought I was grandma that one of the other mothers I get on really well with made a quiet joke about it when she went to get my child.
I wouldn’t have minded but I heard her say to the next lass, ‘sorry, I don’t know everyone yet- you must be (xxx)’s mammy’ !
It happened once before with a health visitor, she said ‘are you mam or….?’

Then today on the bus someone said to me, ‘are you mam or granny?’

i was fuming 🤣 is this a normal question? I don’t think of myself as being a sensitive or self conscious person in the slightest but I honestly think it’s so rude. I get I’m not obviously 20- but its different if I was obviously of granny-ing age but surely if it’s ambiguous it’s rude to ask?
It’s just someone looking at you and thinking you’re far to old to be a mother makes me feel so self conscious, I struggled with infertility for so so so many years and I don’t feel I look old enough to be considered Gran over mother!

Had this at 38 in Poundstretcher then had my son at 40 and no grandma comments since.

Mate, I had DC3 at 42 and don’t think anyone ever asked that.

I have a relative (who I like very much!) she’s just turned 40 but she looks extremely old. She could be in her 60s the way she presents herself. Very grey hair in an old fashioned up do, very aging clothes, carrying some extra weight, no make up, very poor posture… 2 primary age kids and I’d never guess she was mum over grandma if I didn’t already know.
Most of these things could be easily solved if she wanted to, but clearly she’s happy as she is.

Sometimes people do look old for their age.

Some of the children with very young mums probably do have grandparents who are late 30s/early 40s. So it’s not the case that you look old, just that you look your age.

My friends granny was 40 when we were teenagers! She had her mum young and then her mum had her young so granny was 40 when my friend was 10!

They’re probably wondering if you are the mum or the nanny.

With a baby at age 40 I've never encountered this, was expecting to. Maybe because I was clearly 'Mum' from any first point of introduction and no I don't look particularly young at all.

Once a colleague who looked after GC did ask if I had any to which I responded I hope not, DC is 8 lol 😅

Are you in an area where it's not unusual for a GP to be in their 30s? Xx

I think it can be normal for people to try not to assume you are the mum if they don’t know. Whenever I’ve taken my son to the doctors or to a dentist appointment they’ve asked how I’m related to him. I’m only in my twenties so I hope I don’t look like his grandmother. I think they just need to check incase I’m a babysitter or a relative who doesn’t have parental responsibility. A similar thing might be happening in some of the situations you’ve described, although it doesn’t explain the person on the bus. Maybe they have really young grandparents in their family or something.

I was 38 when I had my daughter and would get mistaken for Grandma quite often.

My daughter was quite distinctive where we used to live and so random strangers would remember her. This man came us to us once and said “Do you remember me, we met at X you were with your grandma”. I replied “Which one? The one who is dead or the one who has never left country Y?” He was very embarrassed.

I had my youngest at 43.

My midwife was totally unfazed by my age when i went for my first appointment and told me she had at least 10 other ladies my age and even 1 or 2 years older on her books right then.

The only person who ever asked if i was mum or nan was a health worker (who was an older lady herself) and i had walked in with my youngest (baby in arms) and my eldest who was 17 at the time. Natural enough to think it could have been the 17 year old who was mum.

Lol! YaNBU, but like all such little mistakes, just take it with a sense of humour 😆

If you live somewhere that people usually have children young then that is possibly what it is, if you look closer to the age of the average toddler nan. (Sorry!)

Hydration, double cleanse, give up the vapes or cigs, no booze and maybe consider a wardrobe refresh. 💐

Oh and I am also 37 and since DS1 has a girlfriend and a complete "Whatever, it doesn't matter" attitude to EVERYTHING at the moment I do keep coming out in a cold sweat at the thought of what if I do end up as a granny before I turn 40!

At least I could hand it back I suppose

Could it be your hairstyle? That can age people. Is your hairstyle more commonly worn by older women?

One of my school friends was a mum at 17 and so was her mum so a gran at 34! I think it’s very area dependent. At my local school primary school gate the mums are much more likely to be in late 30s / 40s. In some areas people tend have dc much earlier.

When I was out with my newborn in her pram some old woman yelled across the road to me 'is that your granddaughter?'!!
All my family thought it was hilarious and told me I should stay at home with a face pack on while my husband took her out in future!

Theres plenty of nan's in their late 30s where I live, its not unusual!

Same here, I'm 38, my eldest is an adult, then I've got teenagers and my youngest is 9. I could technically be a grandmother. Most of my friends had their kids in their 20s and my own mum became a nan at 42.

I had my son when I was 20. My mother used to accompany me to parents evenings as she had such a big hand in raising him (my husband walked out within a few weeks of the birth). The teachers always thought I was, quote, "big sis". Sometimes I wouldn't even get told information until I'd explained I was his mother!

Agree it's extremely weird to ask what relation you are by a total stranger on the bus. Have people just become so much ruder since my son was young?

Anyone in a professional role is doing it in case you are a foster carer, aunty, au pair etc not because they think you're Grandma. It causes needless pain to assume someone is mum if mum isn't around for painful reasons, so much better practice to use a neutral term such as "your grown up" or "whoever's brought you today"

Do you by any chance have silvery blonde hair? I know a couple of women with natural very icy blonde hair who’ve been asked if they’re their kids’ grandparents. I think it gets mistaken for grey.