Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Original poster

Returning to work with a baby and school pick-up worries

94 replies

DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 13:36

Returning back to work after baby, I'm struggling to ask for help I have a lo in school and a baby. My job entails a 3.5hr drive there (as I moved away on mat leave) so I can bring my baby with me as I have family to help while I'm at work but I'm struggling to find a solution for my other child at school my partner works and it'll be difficult to work my work around his work.(mines mon-friday) his are shift 4 on 4off falls different each week. So some days are fine as he'll be off to have him other times I'll have no one unless I ask his parents which I really don't like asking for help and I think its unfair on them as he isn't theres if thats makes sense. Basically how do I do this? Any advise? Any solutions? My plan is to get get a job this area but so far nothing is about.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 18:19

User765342 · 05/05/2026 18:03

What made you think all the above was a good idea?

A male-centred woman who needs constant validation and the feeling she has trumped another woman (his ex). Someone happy to put the safety of her existing children at risk to serve a man who clearly refuses to sacrifice any of his own comfort for her. CSA is most common amongst children being taken care of by unrelated adult males, in this case the grandparents of the baby have zero relation to the oldest child. Same for all siblings and cousins on that side of the family who will presumably have a lot of contact with the child because mum needs to drive 3.5 hours for her fun money?

This is very harsh and not necessary true. While you are technically correct I don’t see do you reach that conclusion based on the information here.

me and my partner don’t have previous kids but he owns a house that is 120 miles from my rented flat and where his family lives. It makes sense for me to relocate despite it being hard for me and meaning I will have 6h commute. While we know there is a chance for me to negotiate remote contract, or reduced my going to the office there is a very good chance I may need to change jobs and there is no work for him in his area. We are considering options but we don’t have it figured out and it is a massive risk for me as well.

i can certainly assure you I do not have low self esteem and I am not male centred or any other of the silly assumptions you made about OP. I made the best decision for our child which is to spend the first year of their life in a small town in a three bed house over a over a one-bed flat in a nasty area so I can go to an office. Like OP I am full of anxiety because I worked very hard and I generally don’t have any support or network or access to my hobbies living there but it makes sense financially and I know I will be totally ok even if we split up.

please don’t comment on someone characters without knowing anything. OP asked for solutions not character assassination!

Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:20

PatsFishTank · 05/05/2026 17:48

Can't you look for other types of work in your new area? There are other ways to earn a living.

I disagree that women are always the ones to make sacrifices. Not all men are selfish twats.

Yes I can i can start looking for work outside of what I know. Thank you for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:22

Icecreamandcoffee · 05/05/2026 17:24

Tbh he's been a bit shit. Expecting you to do the drive, taking no responsibility for helping with childcare or putting in flex request or even willing to move. Not wanting to do overtime to help you. You are doing all the compromising and he is doing 0 by the sounds of it. Keep your job and in all honesty you would be probably better off moving back home (even if it is just you and the kids). It needs to be a team effort, not just you.

If you really want to stay together It's a matter of really push for other local jobs? Is there other trusts/ hospitals nearby, even cutting the commute to 1 hour or 1h30 would help a little with the childcare. Could you go on bank (even if you cut maternity a little short) so your face is known at the hospitals and you hear word of mouth of any jobs coming up?

Or you pay for a babysitter to do overnights or an au pair - either way nighttime care will be very expensive and depending on where you are can be difficult to find.

Or your DP puts in a request and goes mon- Fri/ daytime's only. Or recruits his parents into childcare. Or changes jobs.

Thank you never thought of bank work! I'll look into I'll look into traveling but not as far as you've pointed out. Thank you for your suggestions

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:24

Icecreamandcoffee · 05/05/2026 17:27

Could you sidestep in to care work? Nursing home work? PA work? Home care work?

Yeah I can have a look into that. thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:27

cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 18:05

I will be in a similar position however we have no help. I will try to get home based contract or reduced going to the office to 1-2 times a month although I realise that is not always possible. Worst case scenario, I will need to look for another job/leave but either way even with working from home my partner who does 4on 4 off will har to go part-time to weekend only, so I can work in the week, especially until the baby starts school as we have no funded hours for nursery and Wales and one salary will be going on that - it is pointless! Reducing hours and trying to work opposite patterns/days is the only solution to issues like this!

Were in Wales too. I'll have a proper chat and see what he can do work wise, I can always look at travelling but not as far as someone else suggested or even a different job completely. Yes I said part time I'll be going back. Im sure we'll find a way.

OP posts:
cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 18:34

DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:27

Were in Wales too. I'll have a proper chat and see what he can do work wise, I can always look at travelling but not as far as someone else suggested or even a different job completely. Yes I said part time I'll be going back. Im sure we'll find a way.

Show quote history

Feel free to message me privately where abouts you are. Is he driving HGVs? We are moving from South to West and commutes are impossible.

did you take all 12 months Maternity leave. If not you can give some notice your employer and get the full Maternity leave although it will be unpaid plus 4 weeks parental leave. Your partner can also take 4 weeks parental leave so you have more time yo figure out. Also can he change his shift pattern? 4on 4 offs tend to be flexible so can he move to 4 on and 3 off to have them fixed and then you work the 3 days he is off so you are off on his 4 on?

SweepLovesSoo · 05/05/2026 18:43

DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 17:06

That would mean just me moving though with my 2 kids i have thought about it mind 😅

Show quote history

Yes, I still think that’s a better option than commuting seven hours a day and not having anyone to collect your child from school.

Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:45

cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 18:34

Feel free to message me privately where abouts you are. Is he driving HGVs? We are moving from South to West and commutes are impossible.

did you take all 12 months Maternity leave. If not you can give some notice your employer and get the full Maternity leave although it will be unpaid plus 4 weeks parental leave. Your partner can also take 4 weeks parental leave so you have more time yo figure out. Also can he change his shift pattern? 4on 4 offs tend to be flexible so can he move to 4 on and 3 off to have them fixed and then you work the 3 days he is off so you are off on his 4 on?

Show quote history

West Wales the travel to my work isn't bad its all mountain way its just long Obviously and no he works in a factory. I had requested 12ms yeah haven't reached the 9months yet but just trying to figure out a solution as I hate leaving my kids, I hate asking for help and I hate relying on people. But also enjoy working.
I need to have a proper chat with him. I can look for other work just its just all ive know since I started work 😅.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:59

cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 18:19

This is very harsh and not necessary true. While you are technically correct I don’t see do you reach that conclusion based on the information here.

me and my partner don’t have previous kids but he owns a house that is 120 miles from my rented flat and where his family lives. It makes sense for me to relocate despite it being hard for me and meaning I will have 6h commute. While we know there is a chance for me to negotiate remote contract, or reduced my going to the office there is a very good chance I may need to change jobs and there is no work for him in his area. We are considering options but we don’t have it figured out and it is a massive risk for me as well.

i can certainly assure you I do not have low self esteem and I am not male centred or any other of the silly assumptions you made about OP. I made the best decision for our child which is to spend the first year of their life in a small town in a three bed house over a over a one-bed flat in a nasty area so I can go to an office. Like OP I am full of anxiety because I worked very hard and I generally don’t have any support or network or access to my hobbies living there but it makes sense financially and I know I will be totally ok even if we split up.

please don’t comment on someone characters without knowing anything. OP asked for solutions not character assassination!

Show quote history

That's my situation to the t apart from we have previous children. It's a better lifestyle all round being here its a no brainer bringing up children here to my old place. And it is really hard as it is not having what I know around. Having been financially independent for many years its not something I want to give up just yet.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 05/05/2026 19:14

Your partner needs to find a job with more sociable hours while you work to the point you can leave your job.

I did a 3 hour commute when both mine were small. 6 hours a day. It was totally doable part time. Because I had Dh at home who could be totally flexible and present doing all the parenting on those days. And I had a prestigious well paying senior role that pretty much doesn’t exist outside of London.

You are a HCA. Those jobs exist lots of places. In the meantime, you probably just need to take up cafe or bar work or anything that pays the bills, after your mat leave is paid back. But you can’t have 2 parents with unsociable hours. It doesn’t work. One of you has to be flexible.

cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 19:21

DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 18:45

West Wales the travel to my work isn't bad its all mountain way its just long Obviously and no he works in a factory. I had requested 12ms yeah haven't reached the 9months yet but just trying to figure out a solution as I hate leaving my kids, I hate asking for help and I hate relying on people. But also enjoy working.
I need to have a proper chat with him. I can look for other work just its just all ive know since I started work 😅.

Show quote history

If he works in a factory it is 24-7. Get him to change his pattern to 3 off and 4 on and explain to him you can work the dats opposite to him. I think your issue is his days are rotating so he needs them fixed. I guarantee you thar his employer will have issue giving him Mon-Thurs and Friday to Sunday off or even better for them if he takes Monday-Wednesday off and work the rest. If he doesn’t agree you have bigger issues.
but West Wales is much nicer so I get why he won’t want to move - it is the same with my partner. It is just a bitch for work and transport. Especially for work like mine. And I am in the-public sector so it is hard to move. Swansea and Carmarthen are places to look commute wise..

Abracadabra1 · 05/05/2026 19:31

Roads · 05/05/2026 15:54

To be perfectly fair even if they were both his children it would be a huge ask to have them both so frequently overnight. You really need to sit down and work out a plan going forward because without one of you changing jobs this situation won't work.

Show quote history

It would be a huge ask for the biological father of 2 children to look after them overnight....what have I just read?! There's plenty of parents, both men and women who work night shift, suggesting that it is a huge ask for a father to care for children overnight while their partner is working is madness...

SweepLovesSoo · 05/05/2026 19:36

Abracadabra1 · 05/05/2026 19:31

It would be a huge ask for the biological father of 2 children to look after them overnight....what have I just read?! There's plenty of parents, both men and women who work night shift, suggesting that it is a huge ask for a father to care for children overnight while their partner is working is madness...

Show quote history

This was about grandparents.

Abracadabra1 · 05/05/2026 19:37

OP i would look into the cost of wrap around care and travel costs as it may sway your decision about how sustainable your plan is in the long term, can you use some annual leave and return for as short a time as possible if you apply for jobs now? the bank may be a good idea although not guaranteed work but flexible, it's tough when they're little 🤗

Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 19:42

Abracadabra1 · 05/05/2026 19:37

OP i would look into the cost of wrap around care and travel costs as it may sway your decision about how sustainable your plan is in the long term, can you use some annual leave and return for as short a time as possible if you apply for jobs now? the bank may be a good idea although not guaranteed work but flexible, it's tough when they're little 🤗

Yeah it was never going to be long term just trying to find a solution where I can do it without relying on anyone other then ourselves. Just until I do my 3months (so I don't have to pay omp back) or find another job to transfer to as you can transfer in nhs. But I'll definitely be looking into bank work it didn't even cross my mind yet I'm signed up for it back where I used to live 🤦‍♀️😅

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 19:49

cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 19:21

If he works in a factory it is 24-7. Get him to change his pattern to 3 off and 4 on and explain to him you can work the dats opposite to him. I think your issue is his days are rotating so he needs them fixed. I guarantee you thar his employer will have issue giving him Mon-Thurs and Friday to Sunday off or even better for them if he takes Monday-Wednesday off and work the rest. If he doesn’t agree you have bigger issues.
but West Wales is much nicer so I get why he won’t want to move - it is the same with my partner. It is just a bitch for work and transport. Especially for work like mine. And I am in the-public sector so it is hard to move. Swansea and Carmarthen are places to look commute wise..

Show quote history

Yeah ill have a proper chat with him talk about how its bothering me alot(I'm a stresser) oh god yeah i totally get why he wont move not just for the fact where I used to live he'll have no chance of getting a house like this there, then theres his children again I wouldn't expect him to leave them and it'll just make it difficult and theres his job he's on a decent pay he'll struggle to get that where I'm from so I totally understand he's points. Just feel ive made alot of sacrifices and just need abit more support when it comes down to this situation. It's not a long term thing its only until I could get transferred or do my 3months so I don't pay omp back and find another job preferably with what I know but as long as I'm earning its not the end of the world. Yeah ive been looking Swansea seem to be having the jobs come up more or harfordwest so I'll be looking at those

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 20:00

mindutopia · 05/05/2026 19:14

Your partner needs to find a job with more sociable hours while you work to the point you can leave your job.

I did a 3 hour commute when both mine were small. 6 hours a day. It was totally doable part time. Because I had Dh at home who could be totally flexible and present doing all the parenting on those days. And I had a prestigious well paying senior role that pretty much doesn’t exist outside of London.

You are a HCA. Those jobs exist lots of places. In the meantime, you probably just need to take up cafe or bar work or anything that pays the bills, after your mat leave is paid back. But you can’t have 2 parents with unsociable hours. It doesn’t work. One of you has to be flexible.

Yeah i think its doable its not a permanent thing just until I can leave without paying leave back. Just needed it to work around his shift as my lo in school. My shifts arnt bad there 8 til 6 we don't work weekends atm which makes it difficult if I was on the wards it'll be easier to work around but I'm in theatres that do mon to fri 4days a week. There are loads of hca jobs going just not around here atm but I'm still looking. Yeah looks like I'll have to do that

OP posts:
pitchblackromance · 05/05/2026 20:19

It's probably not as simple as moving back now - he could very easily block the move given the distance involved....

He's also not the dad to the eldest so doesn't really have a responsibility there for her care

DaisiesButtercups · 05/05/2026 20:27

DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 16:45

No my job was literally across the road from where I lived. I moved to be with my current partner 3.5hrs away. I always planned to go back to work but now the times coming up I'm struggling to find a solution. My plan was to go part time drive in the morning do my shift stay at my mums do another shift drive back which will work when my partners works shift fall on late week/weekend. But I don't know how to do it when he's shifts fall in the week. I normally do 4days a week but obviously part time will be 2 or 3. Im struggling to find a new job here and I dont think my partner will be best pleased if I move out 😅 (he wont move or change his job as he loves his house/kids/and its a decent paid job)

Show quote history

You need to move back so you’re nearer your family and job. Why is this man your main priority?

Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 20:31

pitchblackromance · 05/05/2026 20:19

It's probably not as simple as moving back now - he could very easily block the move given the distance involved....

He's also not the dad to the eldest so doesn't really have a responsibility there for her care

I have thought about moving back but honestly I don't want to not just for work. We're happy the kids are happy he supports me else where ok not been as helpful with the whole going back to work situation but maybe thats because I haven't fully expressed how its affecting me yes i do feel like ive made alot of sacrifices but sometimesyou need too right? Have that courage to step outside your comfort zone? Try to have a better life?. Totally get his not the eldest dad and he never will be. I do state that when he does things to help and his attitude is you're either family or you're not and we're family 🤷‍♀️ he treats him like his own even though he's not.

OP posts:
Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 20:37

DaisiesButtercups · 05/05/2026 20:27

You need to move back so you’re nearer your family and job. Why is this man your main priority?

Show quote history

My "man" isn't my priority my family is. I dont need to move back to be nearer to family is see them regularly. Same with i dont need to move back for my job i just need a job to transfer to here or I need to work my 3months or so, so I don't have to pay my omp back. And while thats happening I was looking for solutions to childcare issues?

OP posts:
Aabbcc1235 · 05/05/2026 20:40

I don’t think that it’s as bad as you think doing this for 3 months.

Get a big wall calendar, and write all of both your shifts onto it, plus your older child’s school days.

Mark in green highlighter every work shift which works no problem including:

Your partners days off (he looks after your eldest)
School holidays (your mum looks after both kids)
Wraparound on your partners early shifts

Is there an established way to swap shifts? If so get onto the system and try and get a couple of swaps in for weeks when he has a day off that doesn’t fall on your shift.

Then you and your partner book half each holiday for the remaining days. You should have a fair amount of accrued holiday from maternity leave so this should work pretty well for you.

Itll be hard but doable for the 3 months, but you’ll definitely need something in place locally to you as soon as the 3 months are up….

cucumber4745 · 05/05/2026 20:48

Some of the responses on this thread are baffling. It is dead obvious some people just do not understand not everyone has the privilege of support and is not about prioritising a man, but your child and family life. You shouldn’t have to choose between a family and a job, and as someone who is also in Wales and facing similar issues - it is also uniquely regional issue that is flat out of out hands due to job segregation and transportation.

while I totally understand the point some people are making that your partner could be more supportive in some ways, equally I get why he won’t sell his house, leave his kids and job, up and move for a job of his partner that is not even that well paid - it is frustrating yes, but I wouldn’t either. I am the higher earner so my partner is more open to the above if we do not manage to sort it out once my maternity leave is over.

You really need to speak to him, as in his head he may be willing to pay back your ML pay and support you while you find a new job or not understand you need to repay and that the amount is significant. You can try to use your accrued annual leave + parental leave to cover a period. That will be about 8 weeks plus 4 weeks of leave from him on 4 on 4 off will sort the 3 months

Original poster
DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 20:52

Aabbcc1235 · 05/05/2026 20:40

I don’t think that it’s as bad as you think doing this for 3 months.

Get a big wall calendar, and write all of both your shifts onto it, plus your older child’s school days.

Mark in green highlighter every work shift which works no problem including:

Your partners days off (he looks after your eldest)
School holidays (your mum looks after both kids)
Wraparound on your partners early shifts

Is there an established way to swap shifts? If so get onto the system and try and get a couple of swaps in for weeks when he has a day off that doesn’t fall on your shift.

Then you and your partner book half each holiday for the remaining days. You should have a fair amount of accrued holiday from maternity leave so this should work pretty well for you.

Itll be hard but doable for the 3 months, but you’ll definitely need something in place locally to you as soon as the 3 months are up….

Yeah definitely an idea ive just looked got his shifts on a calendar (phone)I think it works out to every 6 weeks theres 2 weeks where I'll need help or a day off or something the rest i can work around my work are flexible. Though I need to double check school holidays it might fall on those. I'll only be doing 2 or 3 days max a week. And yes I'm looking all the time for local work

OP posts:
DaisiesButtercups · 05/05/2026 20:56

DreamySquid · 05/05/2026 20:37

My "man" isn't my priority my family is. I dont need to move back to be nearer to family is see them regularly. Same with i dont need to move back for my job i just need a job to transfer to here or I need to work my 3months or so, so I don't have to pay my omp back. And while thats happening I was looking for solutions to childcare issues?

Show quote history

You travel 7 hours to and from your job. You said your partner’s parents don’t see your eldest as their son’s child. You can’t rely on them for childcare or support. You’ve prioritised this man over your eldest child and your job. If you’re happy with your life then you wouldn’t be upset about your job and how unavailable your partner is due to his work.