Returning to work with a baby and school pick-up worries

[DreamySquid]

Returning back to work after baby, I'm struggling to ask for help I have a lo in school and a baby. My job entails a 3.5hr drive there (as I moved away on mat leave) so I can bring my baby with me as I have family to help while I'm at work but I'm struggling to find a solution for my other child at school my partner works and it'll be difficult to work my work around his work.(mines mon-friday) his are shift 4 on 4off falls different each week. So some days are fine as he'll be off to have him other times I'll have no one unless I ask his parents which I really don't like asking for help and I think its unfair on them as he isn't theres if thats makes sense. Basically how do I do this? Any advise? Any solutions? My plan is to get get a job this area but so far nothing is about.

I assumed you were travelling 3.5 hours for a very well paid job. Is a HCA band 2/3?

Yeah I know i hate asking anyone to have my children. My family is do ask occasionally but other then that they're in my care 24/7. I'll try and have another chat with him.

That would mean just me moving though with my 2 kids i have thought about it mind 😅

It's not well paid no its the NHS 😂 band 3. But its my job that I love my social life, my money ive earned if that makes sense.

Shush now. Her partner could quit? Why does the woman have to sacrifice?

It sounds like you'd have more support if you moved to be honest. He's not really stepping up. You moved hours away, uprooted your wildest and now he's not even willing to discuss a plan with you. It sounds like he's already checked out leaving you to resolve the problem.

Why don't you move back to where your job is, with your partner, and he deals with the long commute since you're handling more of the childcare?

Can you go on the bank locally?

My thoughts 😅 but he wont do that he earns more then me. But women do sacrifice so much seems unfair at times.

I can have a look into it yeah thank you never thought of that

He wont as he has 2 other children 50/50 with their mum and he loves where he lives.

Yeah true

Tbh he's been a bit shit. Expecting you to do the drive, taking no responsibility for helping with childcare or putting in flex request or even willing to move. Not wanting to do overtime to help you. You are doing all the compromising and he is doing 0 by the sounds of it. Keep your job and in all honesty you would be probably better off moving back home (even if it is just you and the kids). It needs to be a team effort, not just you.

If you really want to stay together It's a matter of really push for other local jobs? Is there other trusts/ hospitals nearby, even cutting the commute to 1 hour or 1h30 would help a little with the childcare. Could you go on bank (even if you cut maternity a little short) so your face is known at the hospitals and you hear word of mouth of any jobs coming up?

Or you pay for a babysitter to do overnights or an au pair - either way nighttime care will be very expensive and depending on where you are can be difficult to find.

Or your DP puts in a request and goes mon- Fri/ daytime's only. Or recruits his parents into childcare. Or changes jobs.

Could you sidestep in to care work? Nursing home work? PA work? Home care work?

Well it was a massive risk yes I wouldn't say daft as I honestly wanted to make it work and have a different lifestyle for my children. And I dont mind blunt but yes it does seem quite selfish I'm now in the thick of it so I'm looking for advice.
I've mentioned I've made alot of sacrifices to be here. I really thought getting another job wouldn't be so hard as its nhs and they're always looking for people when I first got my job I had 10 interviews and got accepted with all just had to choose what sector I wanted to go into but here there seems to be nothing going.
I can always move back my family are very supportive in what I do luckily but it will mean a big hit on the relationship and if that will be sustainable or not. Im just so unsure of what to do now

I can always move back my family are very supportive in what I do luckily but it will mean a big hit on the relationship and if that will be sustainable or not. Im just so unsure of what to do now
I would move ASAP so you can get everything settled and childcare sorted before you go back to work.

I'm not sure why you're worried it would be a big hit on the relationship he sounds completely passive and not at all interested in working as a partnership so it doesn't sound like he'd be a huge loss.

Sorry op it sounds like you fucked up and had a baby with a useless dickhead. Go home.

Can't you look for other types of work in your new area? There are other ways to earn a living.

I disagree that women are always the ones to make sacrifices. Not all men are selfish twats.

What a catch...

1. He has 2 children with someone who presumably lives locally to him.
2. You have an older child and now a baby together.
3. Your oldest has moved with you, 3.5 hours away from their home, in recent months / years.
4. You moved yourself and older child into partner’s house without making an actual plan on how you’d get back to work.
5. Your oldest now faces the prospect of not seeing their mum for 2-3 days at a time, and being cared for by people who were effectively strangers to him/her until very recently.

You’ve made a lot of sacrifices. Your older child has made a lot of sacrifices. Your partner doesn’t seem up for any sacrifices.

What made you think all the above was a good idea? Do NOT give up your job. Move back and partner can do the drive to see you + baby on his off days. He presumably won’t have his other children every time he’s off work?

If he’s a higher earner AND has childcare available for the other 2, the only thing that makes sense is that you move back, and he’s the one making the drive regularly, to see his partner and youngest child. Why would you be the one to sacrifice seeing your own children for such long periods of time?

What made you think all the above was a good idea?

A male-centred woman who needs constant validation and the feeling she has trumped another woman (his ex). Someone happy to put the safety of her existing children at risk to serve a man who clearly refuses to sacrifice any of his own comfort for her. CSA is most common amongst children being taken care of by unrelated adult males, in this case the grandparents of the baby have zero relation to the oldest child. Same for all siblings and cousins on that side of the family who will presumably have a lot of contact with the child because mum needs to drive 3.5 hours for her fun money?

I will be in a similar position however we have no help. I will try to get home based contract or reduced going to the office to 1-2 times a month although I realise that is not always possible. Worst case scenario, I will need to look for another job/leave but either way even with working from home my partner who does 4on 4 off will har to go part-time to weekend only, so I can work in the week, especially until the baby starts school as we have no funded hours for nursery and Wales and one salary will be going on that - it is pointless! Reducing hours and trying to work opposite patterns/days is the only solution to issues like this!

The only solution is moving back and keeping your job
was a really bad idea to move in the first place but we all make mistakes. This one is quite a biggie though

Trust me I know and I already feel guilty about my eldest coming with me and the sacrifices he's made aswell. My plan was to transfer jobs to this area but it looks like thats not as easy as i thought. I can find another job thats not in my field or that id like I suppose. I can look harder. I can talk to my manager and see what they suggest they have options too. And I also hate the thought of not being with any of my children if I could take him out of school to come with I would do that. I feel guilty enough as it is.
And yes he has his children when he's not at work.

Wow I haven't trumped any other woman. My children are not in any danger.
It's not about fun money its about being able to provide for my children. Im looking for solutions not to be bashed I haven't even returned to work yet I may not even return to work