Gentle parenting help!

[Mummaofboys13]

I’m a stay at home mum with two boys aged 3 years and 10 months. I’m really struggling at the moment with my 3 year old and I need some strategies to help. I really want to gentle parent, but sometimes I find myself getting super frustrated and going into authoritarian parenting which I absolutely don’t want to do because that was how I was raised. (I will also say that I have ADHD and can find that my emotions can feel hard to manage at times, so if anyone has any regulation tips that would be great!)

What I’m mainly looking for help with though is around how to manage my 3 year old when it comes to coping with his brother using his toys (or friends on play dates). For example, if we are playing a game with Lego and his brother takes one piece, my 3YO will often kick everything down and say “no Lego’s!” and stop wanting to play. This happens with figurines or magnatiles, he just seems to destroy everything and then ask to put it away. I can’t work out how to manage this because he isn’t building his tolerance for others playing with the same thing he is by destroying what he’s made and then putting it away, but also I don’t know what the alternative is to putting it away after he’s kicked something or thrown something when he shouldn’t.

He can also hit out at friends if they take something he’s playing with and then when I take him away from the situation he’ll say “I need to go home” which again just isn’t the answer, but if he’s hit out a few times then sometimes I do feel like going home. But then it doesn’t feel like a consequence really, more of a cop out?

Please help a really confused and really frazzled Mum out. My 3YO is going to pre-school in September and I’m terrified he’s going to be the kid who can’t play nicely or hurts others.

I’d strongly advise you to reconsider whether this fad for ‘gentle parenting’ is an effective way to raise children.

I actually don't think he's doing badly at all for a three year old! He's identified that he can't cope in those scenarios and wants to remove himself from it. I'd also say that you need to intervene if another child tries to take something he is actively playing with. The rule in our house (and out and about) is that if you are playing with it it's your turn. If you stop playing then anyone can have a go and you have to wait until they are finished. Lego or building stuff I split into two piles at the start at this age.
I'd just tweak it. If he says he needs to go home, say that you'll sit with him and have a cuddle until he feels ready to play gently again. If he's not ready he stays cuddling. If he goes to play and lobs something you remove him from the play (but let the other kids carry on) and say you're moving him away because he's finding it hard not to throw so you'll help by moving him away.

Why not negotiate? If he can play nice with little db then when baby naps he can get Lego out undisturbed.. Ime giving them an incentive to not wake the baby is great!!

There's a saying in IT, that if a majority of people struggle to use a program, that's not user error, that's a shit program.

If a majority of people find it hard to "gentle parent" effectively, it's not them, it's because it's shit.

👏👏👏👏

You've stumbled into culture wars by using the term "gentle parenting". Try not to let it distract you!
Have you read "How to talk so kids will listen"? It's brilliant.

I would try and anticipate the sibling wanting a piece. “Can we give DB A piece of Lego?” Or saying out loud to the baby “that is your brothers Lego, let’s ask if you can have a piece”. On the going home -
asking to go home is totally a legitimate thing. He’s doing great.

That sounds pretty normal for a 3 year old. It is hard to learn to share their favourite things.
At home I would remove the younger one from any Lego/building type play because he’s too young, encourage playing together with different toys like play kitchen where they can be more interactive together and nothing is going to get destroyed.
In playgroup settings I would encourage apologising if he has hit out at another child and explain every single time that’s not acceptable. Children shouldn’t be taking toys from him though so you can’t blame him for being upset,
taking a bit of time out is fine then go back to play when he’s feeling happier.

A baby shouldn’t have lego as there is a risk they will choke on it so the 3 year old should do his lego on a table the baby can’t reach.

Ime a dc is allowed to have their own things and not be forced to share everything..
Especially with a much younger sibling.. Needs to be an advantage to being the oldest. Less risk of jealousy ime.

I agree with his younger brother not having his Lego. Maybe DS1 could do some activities at a table where DS2 can’t reach?

As for regulation, what are you managing now? Are you able to mediate or run?

I think personally that it is a bit shit if you are playing with somethign and your 10 month old brother keeps interferring. I would creat a way for the baby to have some lego and other toys, and the 3 year old to be allowed ot build in peace. We did this with a baby gate. All ds toys were on the other side and he could happily play, chat to me, but baby couldn't reach his stuff.

Of course they need to learn to share, but 3 is really the very beginning of learning to share, and it is frustrating if the baby is interferring.

As to gentle parenting, the phrase makes me laugh. It is perfectly possible to have clear boundaries and teach the word no, while still being gentle and helping them understand their emotions. It is what good parents have been doing for years. And 3 year olds need simple clear insructions not long waffly explanations.

Agree with others that lego not safe for babies but I’ll just put that example aside and just focusing on the issue of sharing for advice really.

Sharing is not a natural concept for a 3 year old, it is something they have to learn and I agree that just putting things away doesn’t teach that skill.

I think this is where gentle parenting gets confused with permissive parenting though. Gentle parenting does not = letting kids do whatever they want with no structure or boundaries. You absolutely still have and need boundaries with gentle parenting, and you can acknowledge a feeling without giving way on the boundary.

You need to decide and then hold the boundary, e.g. you are playing with x y right now, baby is playing with z. When he is done with z it can be your turn again, and then we can swap again. Acknowledge the feeling- sharing is hard for young children, you really want that toy and waiting is hard, BUT hold the boundary, baby is playing, so we wait. We don’t throw lego/magnatiles, whatever the thing is, that’s the boundary, you can be angry, you cannot throw.

For playdates I’m not sure if your example is that friends are taking something he is actively playing with like a figurine, or just one of a lot of things like lego. If the thing is a figurine, I enforce the sharing boundary both ways and don’t let a child just take something from mine, we take turns. If it’s a piece of lego and he has 50 other pieces, that’s a boundary, you don’t need every piece, you have those pieces, friend has that piece, it’s frustrating but that’s what we do. Acknowledge the feeling, hold the boundary. Gentle parenting really isn’t about feelings coming before boundaries, it’s about acknowledging feelings about boundaries and still holding firm on them.

I’d role play sharing with toys, e.g. teddy gets a turn then action figure gets a turn, read some books together age appropriate on sharing there are lots to choose from etc

What's wrong with authoritative parenting?

I tell my son "no" (sometimes I'm cross and stern, sometimes firm, sometimes silly!), remove him from situations. I explain in simple terms if it's new to him (no point shouting about something he didn't know was a rule in the first place IMO - e.g. drawing on walls). If he knows better, I don't fanny around explaining again.

Gentle parenting is ok for gentle parenting situations. Sometimes you do need to be authoritative or even authoritarian. It doesn't hurt to mix things up.

And I agree with PP - boundaries and having your own things is just as important as sharing. Sharing is important when it's not yours, like a swing at the park. But your own toy which your kid brother shouldn't even be playing with is fine not to share.

Oops my bad with calling it Lego. We actually only use Duplo in our house, we have just always called it Lego!

Honestly I don’t have time to do anything for myself, which makes regulating really hard. My eldest doesn’t nap anymore so I never get a break from the kids during the day and my husband doesn’t always get home before bedtime so I’m often doing that by myself too. DH also works away a lot so last week for example he was away 5 out of 7 nights of the week. It’s hard out here!

Absolutely nothing wrong with authoritative parenting - this is what I want to be doing! (My understanding is that gentle parenting IS authoritative parenting) I just don’t want to wander into authoritarian parenting when I’m frustrated or angry!

Sorry to clear up the Lego thing - we only use Duplo in our house, we have just always called it Lego for some reason! I wouldn’t let either child have the small Lego yet!

But thank you - you’ve given some really good food for thought here! Super, super helpful.

With the play dates, I find it hard because often the other child will snatch things from my son, but it’s awkward for me to try and parent that other child and a weird line that I just don’t want to cross. So it is hard 100% because he will be frustrated as often it’s a singular toy he’s playing with, rather than when there’s a lot of something (eg Duplo)

Its really hard for most three year olds to share, especially one who is still getting used to sharing their parents. We gentle parent a four and ten year old, they’re both generally well behaved and polite.

With things like lego and small bits we were at times lazy and make lego and small toys a playpen only thing, so rather than baby/small toddler being in a play pen the small toys were with the older child, unless he wanted to sit at a table and play with them.

But if a child is happily playing by themselves with their own toys why does a child have to share just because it is easier on the parents if they do?

no fighting shouldn't happen between children but surely even children are allowed their own space and toys?

I haven’t said they have to share? I’ve said how we actively dodged sharing of certain toys.

So little brother doesn’t necessarily ruin big brother’s Lego creation, he just take a piece for himself to hold/ use? Is that right?

It sound very difficult. I have two boys ages 4.5 and almost 3. Since baby started interacting with toys and older brother, I have just tried to emphasise that we share everything in our household. I seem to have got away with it (although I know children may all respond differently) and so even if big brother had Lego since before little brother was born, it no longer belongs to just big brother, it is shared. In your situation I would try to sit with them a few times and say ‘what shall we build with the magnet tile’ and if they bite, pause and remind big brother that we are all playing together. Little brother can play too and he needs some tiles to play with. Then get the tiles out and start building. Any sign of upset from big brother then repeat calmly, we all play magnet tile, little brother is allowed to play and big brother is allowed to play. Basically just get ahead of the situation and create a scenario for teaching and guiding big brother, don’t just try to react if/ when something goes wrong.

If you’re not prepared to enforce sharing across the board OP then you’re not being fair. You can’t tell your child they have to share at home and also expect them to accept friends snatching things, it is too confusing for a 3 year old to understand that and totally undermines the lesson of sharing.

You need to be watching closely and if another child snatches something from him like that you prevent that or get it and give it back, explaining we don’t snatch, we can take turns.

I totally 100% agree with you and have always really believed in advocating for him when out at soft plays or play cafes etc.

I guess I just find it really awkward and a difficult line to tread when it’s your friends kids because I never want my friends to feel like I’m parenting their kids or telling them how to parent. It’s just super hard.

At preschool they aren’t gentle. I remember my son would sometimes snatch a toy and once he got bitten on the cheek by the other child.

Lol striking a win for Natural Consequences.

Your son will be fine.

If YOU are getting angry you need to take a breath - it’s only a game of a Lego.