Gentle parenting help!

[Mummaofboys13]

I’m a stay at home mum with two boys aged 3 years and 10 months. I’m really struggling at the moment with my 3 year old and I need some strategies to help. I really want to gentle parent, but sometimes I find myself getting super frustrated and going into authoritarian parenting which I absolutely don’t want to do because that was how I was raised. (I will also say that I have ADHD and can find that my emotions can feel hard to manage at times, so if anyone has any regulation tips that would be great!)

What I’m mainly looking for help with though is around how to manage my 3 year old when it comes to coping with his brother using his toys (or friends on play dates). For example, if we are playing a game with Lego and his brother takes one piece, my 3YO will often kick everything down and say “no Lego’s!” and stop wanting to play. This happens with figurines or magnatiles, he just seems to destroy everything and then ask to put it away. I can’t work out how to manage this because he isn’t building his tolerance for others playing with the same thing he is by destroying what he’s made and then putting it away, but also I don’t know what the alternative is to putting it away after he’s kicked something or thrown something when he shouldn’t.

He can also hit out at friends if they take something he’s playing with and then when I take him away from the situation he’ll say “I need to go home” which again just isn’t the answer, but if he’s hit out a few times then sometimes I do feel like going home. But then it doesn’t feel like a consequence really, more of a cop out?

Please help a really confused and really frazzled Mum out. My 3YO is going to pre-school in September and I’m terrified he’s going to be the kid who can’t play nicely or hurts others.

Share it out in the beginning so if you’re doing Duplo give the baby a small pile before the older one even starts building anything. Similar when a friend comes round- you divide it up equally then they decide if they build together or individually.

What's with all the silly labels? Just parent your children properly and teach them to share.

So called gentle parenting is abuse in my opinion. It completely fails the children and leaves them unprepared for life in just about every way.

The way I approach that awkwardness of other people’s children taking something from my child is that I wouldn’t try to parent them as such but I may say something like “oops, Milo was playing with that and I don’t think he is quite finished yet. Milo do you want it back? Thank you Sophie. Milo remember to give Sophie a turn when you are done”

But what is Sophie doesn’t give it up? I don’t push it or take it from her. I just take my child away and say things like “ah that’s a shame that Sophie isn’t sharing at the moment. Are you ok? Ah I know it can feel sad. That’s why we must always remember to share with our friends. Like when we’re playing at home with little brother, you must share with little brother and little brother must share with you.”

I want to help my son deal with that conflict when he comes off worse. It wasn’t properly resolved because he lost the toy but we worked through the emotion together. I can’t make Sophie give him the toy back but we can stand up for ourselves and handle our own feelings without snatching back or screaming.

The 3yo isn't being asked to share - he's being asked to accept his younger sibling just taking something.

You need to stop the sibling from interfering - either share the Duplo at the start or supervise better or let the 3yo play at the table to protect their game.

Also - you can do breathing exercises any time, learn some to help you regulate your emotions during the day.

It's awful when they start school and the real world doesn't have time for this bullshit. Poor child.

I found this book extremely useful - I took what helped from it. Which is very much about respectful boundaries for yourself and your toddler. https://amzn.eu/d/02jE5Lfa

and then also any of the”how to talk to children so they listen and how to listen so they talk” range of books. There’s an early years one that might help. The age 7+ works on adults too! And the sibling one may be useful.

both books give you some structure and phrases and methods to follow.

Gentle parenting is actually boundaried, firm, fair and calm. It’s basically very clear discipline without resorting to loads of shouting. You do spend a lot of time saying no. Just not reacting yourself!

removal from the situation is often a key tactic for the younger children.

You need to remember that their verbal reasoning is really low. (Read up on blanks levels verbal reasoning; common for children of to reach highest levels till over 5.)

Firstly whilst emotional regulation is always useful your DC don't need for you to be a Stepford Wife. It's inevitable that you will sometimes be angry and frustrated with them and as long as you aren't hitting them or something you shouldn't hide it from them. I also agree with PP, there will be occasions where the authoritarian approach is necessary.

Do you do any preempting when it comes to toys and playdates? Sometimes kids need the expectations really spelled out for different situations. At 3 he's got a lot of change and development coming so he may well grow out of this regardless of what you do.

Thank you SO much. This really, really helpful!

I think gentle parenting is great for kids who have suffered from trauma. So a child whose parent has passed away or if they’re in foster care or are adopted etc.
It also suits children with SEN, especially a PDA profile.
Typical children don’t always respond well to gentle parenting. I was quite a young mum with my eldest dc and I hated my own upbringing parenting based on fear and shame. So whilst I didn’t gentle parent my own child as the concept wasn’t really well known back then I did omit the parts of my own upbringing that I grew up resenting. My children have never been scared or intimidated or mocked or shamed by me. They have had age appropriate honesty and I have always respected them and their boundaries. But I certainly didn’t take any messing and they had consequences for bad behaviour that weren’t always natural. Sometimes I just flat out said no to things that they wanted due to their behaviour. And they learnt not to dick around.
I think gentle parenting is great as a concept but the reality for most kids is they need a firmer environment that just natural consequences. Tell them no, explain truthfully and appropriately why, let them have their feelings heard but also don’t give them the power to dictate things. Kids need to know that their care givers are in charge or they’re anxious. They need calm and understanding but they also need to know they can’t behave poorly. Take away the label of gentle parenting and just parent with kindness but take no shit. Kids need to be respected but they also need to respect their care givers and that respect will be earned by being consistent, fair and upholding boundaries.

Gentle parenting is the absolute worst thing to do for those type of children. They need structure.

I thought how to talk so kids would listen a pile of crap. I think we verbalise too much for young children - they need clear statements not dressed up in ambiguous handwavy verbose prose. I also don’t think they have the complete emotional register to deal with how much “gentle parenting” wants them to think.

Agree with others- ditch the gentle parenting label.

3 year olds need boundaries and form guidance. Gentle parents produce children who grow up to be self absorbed and unable to deal with difficult emotions. They have no experience with difficult emotions because they’ve seldom confronted difficulties

FWIW the sharing thing is very hard but in reality the toys he is playing with are his and so I would have a rethink about how you approach this for both children.

the baby hasn’t a clue, he’s just babying.

Your 3 yr old is trying to work on his play skills really well and I’m not surprised he’s frustrated. If you can you can try modelling “oh dear baby, big brother was playing with those, I’m sure he will be kind enough to let you use them when he’s finished playing with them.” Remove baby and replace with another shiny special toy. Massive praise if/when big bro gives baby a toy when he’s finished. Absolutely fine if he doesn’t, repeat enough and he will.

You could chat to big brother when he’s calm about putting some of the same toys in a basket for baby to use. Tell him how much baby admires him and wants to be like him.

At play groups with my eldest I would sit holding him whining and grizzling saying loudly “you may have a turn with that toy when x has finished with it.” X would often play stoically and then either wander off or make a people pleasing point of giving it to my son. I’d repeat the same if a child tried to take a toy my son had - oh I’m sure my son will let you play with it when he’s finished- I’ll make sure you can have it next. And would follow through. “Thank you for waiting patiently” and praise to my son.

Covid messed up my youngest’s playgroup experiences and I didn’t get to do all that. I’ve had to continue working on it since at home though he seems fine at school.

Hard disagree.

And I definitely often just say No and tough, no means no. And hold the line.

But it gives some really good scenarios to support deeper understanding.

And is especially useful for teens.

Just say no to the kicking over and hitting.

Nothing bad will happen if you occasionally get frustrated. Kids are frustrating. Parenting is frustrating.

Surely more resilience is built if kids see they need to have boundaries, and that a natural consequence of acting a certain way is that people will get frustrated. Doesn’t mean they aren’t valued or loved

I didn’t like how to talk either but my issue is once mine have got wound up about something they just aren’t listening, irrespective of how good whatever I’m saying is. So I do need to get a bit annoyed with them so they snap out of it.

If your child listens and responds though there isn’t anything wrong with that.

Of course a 3 year old will get frustrated if their baby sibling takes ‘their’ toys. You’re admittedly getting frustrated with the behaviour of your 3 year old and you’re an adult!
When he’s playing with his Lego, you can be playing with the baby with something else. If DS1 hurts DS2, you tell him ‘no hurting’ firmly and remove him from the situation. You don’t negotiate with him or ‘ask him nicely’. Forget the ‘gentle’, stick with the ‘parenting’.

Thank you so so much for taking the time to comment and sharing some really useful advice. Everything you have said is stuff I have read before and already know, but somehow in the day to day of parenting I do forget so thank you for helping me to refocus!

I absolutely get the irony of me getting frustrated with him getting frustrated! I think that’s why I’m so keen on helping him learn how to regulate his emotions, because I was never taught to. I was taught to “stop crying / whining” or “because I said so” and it’s really hard to snap myself out of that mindset and break that cycle! Gentle parenting is such a rubbish name for authoritative parenting, because my aim is to have clear and firm boundaries, but just with respect and not shouting, shaming or blaming.

I think the name gentle parenting is so rubbish because it’s not what you’ve described - you’ve described permissive parenting which I really don’t agree with at all! Gentle parenting is authoritative parenting - aiming to give kids clear and firm boundaries, but with respect and understanding of their emotions. Not shouting, shaming or punishing them, but giving them consequences in a respectful way.

So many people on this thread have no idea what gentle parenting is. OP you clearly do understand it, and when applied properly (boundaries with understanding) I think it's great, I try to follow this stance with my nearly 4yo and 16mo.

One thing I found helped DS1 with the idea of sharing was to get some toys for the baby that DS1 definitely also wanted to play with, but make it clear that 'this is baby's climbing frame/car track/whatever it may be, so you need to ask him if you can play with it' so getting DS to practise asking for a turn with someone else's things at home, not just defaulting to everything is mine and baby is ruining it.

We also have a policy of if you want to play uninterrupted then you take it out of the playpen. The playpen is there to keep baby safe (our playpen acts a barrier across the living room so one half of the room is a child-proofed play zone. That works well with elaborate duplo constructions or jigsaw puzzles.

And then it's really just about consistency, it sounds like you're doing a great job, it's just taking time to sink in. He will get there!

Thank you so so much for responding! Really good suggestion there for practicing at home - will implement some of that today! And thank you for your lovely words - sometimes we are our own worst critics, but I’m just so aware of our impact on our kids and how they grow up so I want to get it right!

You don't understand gentle parenting. It has structure and boundaries. Read up on it perhaps?

Another poster who has misunderstood, or perhaps never actually read, what gentle parenting is.

I think there is a bit of a no true Scotsman thing with gentle parenting though. Whenever someone suggests methods aren’t working for them they are told it’s because ‘that isn’t gentle parenting.’