Gentle parenting help!

[Mummaofboys13]

I’m a stay at home mum with two boys aged 3 years and 10 months. I’m really struggling at the moment with my 3 year old and I need some strategies to help. I really want to gentle parent, but sometimes I find myself getting super frustrated and going into authoritarian parenting which I absolutely don’t want to do because that was how I was raised. (I will also say that I have ADHD and can find that my emotions can feel hard to manage at times, so if anyone has any regulation tips that would be great!)

What I’m mainly looking for help with though is around how to manage my 3 year old when it comes to coping with his brother using his toys (or friends on play dates). For example, if we are playing a game with Lego and his brother takes one piece, my 3YO will often kick everything down and say “no Lego’s!” and stop wanting to play. This happens with figurines or magnatiles, he just seems to destroy everything and then ask to put it away. I can’t work out how to manage this because he isn’t building his tolerance for others playing with the same thing he is by destroying what he’s made and then putting it away, but also I don’t know what the alternative is to putting it away after he’s kicked something or thrown something when he shouldn’t.

He can also hit out at friends if they take something he’s playing with and then when I take him away from the situation he’ll say “I need to go home” which again just isn’t the answer, but if he’s hit out a few times then sometimes I do feel like going home. But then it doesn’t feel like a consequence really, more of a cop out?

Please help a really confused and really frazzled Mum out. My 3YO is going to pre-school in September and I’m terrified he’s going to be the kid who can’t play nicely or hurts others.

Exactly, and Gentle Parenting 'in the wild' is often very permissive and ineffectual. I note those defending it have younger children, I wonder how much of what they know has come from social media? Those of us with older children have seen how it can turn children into little horrors and cause them multiple issues including being unpopular with their peers and unable to cope

the problem with the phrase 'gentle parenting' is that there are hundreds of people out there claiming that they are doing gentle parenting, when what they are actually doing is permissive parenting.
It is also one of those things where the latest set of parents claims to have found a wonderful NEW way of parenting and their parents all did it wrong.

In reality authoritative parenting (not authoritarian) has been shown again and again to be the best way, Clear boundaries, firm boundaries but done in a calm and caring way and understanding children's emotions and helping them deal with them. This is what gentle parenting is supposed ot be, but that is rarely what you see.

My Mum was doing authoritative in the 1970s. It isn't new. Strictly speaking that is what gentle parenting is.
The trouble is, as I said, that most people claiming to do it, aren't doing it.

The phrase has become so triggering for those of us who have sat and watched a generation of children who don't know what no means and don't know how to behave in public grow up, that personally I don't use it.
It is now a really controversial phrase. The actual parenting it supports though is not new

100%.
My parents were using firm boundaries with kindess in the 80s. They would never have screamed at us or hit us. They would just call that normal parenting. As would I.

Saying you practice 'gentle parenting' is very smug IMO, implying that you are a gentle and kind person while everyone who hasn't seen the tiktoks you have is awful. This combined with 'gentle parents' speaking to their children in that silly breathy baby voice and allowing them to run riot has made the whole thing toxic.

Just don't be horrible to your kids and tell them off when they need it!

Gentle parenting = using 100 words instead of one: No.

This confuses the child and makes you loose authority in their eyes. In the long run it makes them anxious because they don't know who's in charge. Stay in charge.

Permissive parenting is often conflated with gentle parenting, but they are not the same thing.

Critics of gentle parenting very often haven't even read what it is supposed to be before using the label to describe 'any type of parenting, whether effective or ineffective, that doesn't involve shouting'.

But if gentle parenting is just authoritative parenting, why not call it that? Why call it 'gentle'. What does gentle mean, and how does that differ from authoritative parenting? What is non-abusive 'non gentle' parenting?

Please do your boys and society a favour and forget this “gentle parenting” rubbish, install discipline now and by the time they’re bigger they will be able to have self discipline and control. Separately work on managing your ADHD with coping strategies (suggest an ADHD coach )

You seem like a really thoughtful and considered parent. Permissive parents wouldn’t be posting this to get advice!

A lot of children have a hitting / pushing phase. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed, it’s a phase and I found with my son it was kind of instinctive/subconscious, he’d lash out before he could even think about it. I’m sure you tell him “no, we don’t hit” and physically hold him/ move him away/ stop him from doing it again.

And sharing is really really hard. Babies need to be distracted - I think someone mentioned giving the baby some spare pieces of duplo and distracting so the older one can carry on in peace.

The one thing I will say about gentle parenting and the acknowledgment of feelings is that sometimes it can be taken too far. When parents dwell on the feeling too much it reinforces it for the child. Like oh you’re feeling so sad/ scared / angry, and then the child is like yes I’m so sad. The child needs the parent to give the perspective that this is a small problem. where we feel sad/cross for a couple of minutes and move on, it’s not a big tragedy.

Sometimes if parents mirror the feelings too much it’s not reassuring for the child because it gives the impression that there really is something they should be scared of / angry about.

Personally my main criticism of gentle parenting is the absolute barrage of soppy words and cod psychology that they tell you talk at young children or those embarrassing scripts.

I'm all for the not smacking, not making them scared, firm boundaries and trying to understand their developmental age and reasons for behaviour.

I think that there is a time and a place for focusing on their feelings. I can see how this could be especially useful with trauma. I don't think it can be the solution all the time and I think you have to be realistic about them being in places like a classroom where one adult has to keep a group of kids safe and won't have time to talk a child through their feelings every time they don't want to do something.

It really is not super hard. Just open your mouth and firmly tell them. If their parent takes offence, then so be it and let them keep their troublesome child to themselves.

By the way. you are your child's parent. You are-or should be-a figure of authority. Be one.

Doing so will bring a sense of security and well being to your children-here is someone who is in constant charge, we are not rudderless with only a wet cabbage to depend on.

There are articles about the differences between them - basically a venn diagram with a big overlap.

Every parent does every ibteraction a bit differently anyway - because parenting is a natural human process, not a managed system.

The key thing is gentle parenting does not equal permissive parenting.

Ouch! Don’t pull any punches with the wet lettuce comment 😂

Yeah, putting ‘gentle parenting’ in your post will get many people’s back up on here. Haha. Of course, you don’t mean permissive parenting, just respectful.

Dr Becky Kennedy has many strategies and common scenario scripts that I found helpful. She also has a very good book.

What’s your alternative?

A lot easier with a six year age gap than a two year one!