Parent’s Evening Drama. Should I go or not?!

[TheStepMom]

Hi. This is my first post - the first time I have reached out to be fair so please go easy!

I’ve been with my OH for 7 years. He has a child. He and his ex wife do not get on. They would argue and she would withhold access.

eventually he took her to court over access and we now see SS 5 out of 7 days and he stays twice a week. I’ve known him for 6 years and he is like my shadow.

OH is a great dad. I try not to get too involved out of respect for Mum but SS wants me involved in everything and always has. Things like sports days or assemblies etc SS has always asked me to go - mum hates it but I’m so close to him that I don’t want to upset him and I’m happy that he wants me involved.

fast forward to this week. He is now in High School. It’s parents evening next week and my OH and his mum go to separate appointments. I am not being offensive in the slightest when I say this because they are both great parents in my opinion but I do all the homework with him as I am more academic than both of them.

He asked me if I could go and speak to the teachers with Dad so I know what is going on. Dad has said he would love me to be there. I know Mum would be furious - she already hates how close me and him are and that he is close to my family.

I don’t know what to do. Do I go and upset mum and feel out of place or not go out of respect for her and upset him and his dad?! I have never been to a parents evening before because i feel it has never been my place.

Just to add sorry i did think about speaking to mum but she is severely unapproachable and it's not worth the grief!!

Go, he wants you there, you’re involved in homework and supporting his education. It’s not ex’s decision and it sounds like relations are already poor so this won’t make any difference.

By high school, it’s the boy’s choice - go for him.

Go with dad. Who care if mum is angry, she has her own appointment and ss wants you to go and that's all that should matter.

How old is your step son?

He’s 13. I’ve been in his life since he was 6

And he follows you around like a shadow?

Any siblings?

how much are you a actually helping him with his homework?! I have a 13 year old and I’m asked to help with homework once in. A blue moon! How it should

He has done since I first met him. We have always gone on well but other things like the Court case - and to be fair, their parenting before it with the arguments - really put him in the middle of things. The mum for example told him about the case. She would also constantly email OH and say things like “he’s come home anxious and saying X, Y, Z” constantly and when OH would address it with him, he would have no idea what was being said. So then we got into a position when he was about 8 or 9 and he’d start to tell me things he would be worried about telling his parents and if needed, i would tell his dad in a way that he didnt need to worry about things.

School wise he does his homework at our house and i will check his homework with him most nights and will help him with anything that he is struggling with.
No other siblings.

It does sound like he wants you to go, and you should if you are able to. What a lovely presence you are in his life ❤️.

If he wants you to go, I’d go.
You’re his dad’s partner and have been in his life a long time. It’s refreshing to hear about someone who is so key in the step child’s life and who clearly has a great relationship with him.

As his Dads partner you can go.

His mum (and any partner she has) can go separately at a different time in the evening.

It's common in schools to have separate appointments for mum and dad.

I’ve a 14 year old and I haven’t helped them with homework since the start of year 7. How much support does he need?

He is a bright kid he just has no confidence which is why he asks for me to check his homework.
He’s also learning a language in school that I speak fluently so I’m helping with that too

Yes go. If she’s at a separate appt just tell DH not to mention you were there

It is the childs decision and he has asked for you to go so that's it. I assume it's a face to face set of appointments so you may run into her?

If not and it's online, then realistically she'll have no idea that you've attended.
If it's in person and you are all queuing up to meet each teacher then it's going to be awkward even more so if your step son is expected to attend and there's an atmosphere. So if it's face to face I would simply tell your husband that he should email her to say that SS has asked for you to be there because you sometimes help him with his homework and SS is worried it is going to upset her. He's reassured him that it won't be an issue because his parents want him to do well in school but he's still worried....

To be honest the mum should be used to this by now. My ex just used to book different times and only didn't take his wife when DS specified that he didn't want her there (their relationship wasn't one of help and assistance so DS didn't want her at his school) Practically, if you know that you're going to run into mum at this parents evening, then stay away and catch up with the teachers another time. They've no intention of attending 'together' but she may decide to create a scene which no one wants to witness.

Have you considered therapy for your DSS? Being his step mum’s shadow at 13 is a sign that something is very seriously amiss

He stays with you 2 nights a week?