Parent’s Evening Drama. Should I go or not?!

[TheStepMom]

Hi. This is my first post - the first time I have reached out to be fair so please go easy!

I’ve been with my OH for 7 years. He has a child. He and his ex wife do not get on. They would argue and she would withhold access.

eventually he took her to court over access and we now see SS 5 out of 7 days and he stays twice a week. I’ve known him for 6 years and he is like my shadow.

OH is a great dad. I try not to get too involved out of respect for Mum but SS wants me involved in everything and always has. Things like sports days or assemblies etc SS has always asked me to go - mum hates it but I’m so close to him that I don’t want to upset him and I’m happy that he wants me involved.

fast forward to this week. He is now in High School. It’s parents evening next week and my OH and his mum go to separate appointments. I am not being offensive in the slightest when I say this because they are both great parents in my opinion but I do all the homework with him as I am more academic than both of them.

He asked me if I could go and speak to the teachers with Dad so I know what is going on. Dad has said he would love me to be there. I know Mum would be furious - she already hates how close me and him are and that he is close to my family.

I don’t know what to do. Do I go and upset mum and feel out of place or not go out of respect for her and upset him and his dad?! I have never been to a parents evening before because i feel it has never been my place.

Just to add sorry i did think about speaking to mum but she is severely unapproachable and it's not worth the grief!!

I quite like this suggestion. Sorry if I missed it but are they all inperson? Our school sometimes offered a choice online as well. I ended up twice doing some online first, then going in about an hr later to in-person, as the only way to get to see all the teachers! Would school be able to assist in some way? Does DSS want you there for all subjects or are there just a couple you could do?

I'm surprised you can get two slots for each subject for one child - that wouldn't be possible at our school, there's often not even enough for one if you book late.

Go! You sound like you really deserve the care he has for you 💙

No you shouldn’t go. Two parents there is enough and you are not one of them.

🙄

Is it? At ours they have one per child-they say that otherwise, the teachers would have to be there twice as long, and that it wouldn't be fair for them to spend twice as long on one child just because the parents won't sit together. Abusive parents aren't allowed in, so if they've been banned from being with their ex/the child, they aren't allowed on the school grounds anyway.

I’m still helping dc and they’re at uni! Every child is different. I’d go as he’s asked you and you’re more able to support academically than his parents.

I agree that there's something amiss with that kind of support.

I have 7 kids and all except one are adults now. My stepson was requesting input into his homework from my husband well into high school. Whereas my daughter who is the same age needed zero input from anyone.

With my stepson it was an anxiety response that became habit. Even now at 19 years of age he will habitually ask for input on the simplest and most mundane things.

'Can you see if this potato is cooked?'
'Can you find me a paintbrush?'
'Do we have milk?'

My husband has done him a real disservice in his independence by placating that anxious habit over the years.

I realise it is flattering to feel that your SS likes you and seems to need you, but he could probably use therapy to deal with the underlying anxiety to better further his individual growth and his confidence levels.

I think he sounds anxious.

can you work on this with him? Honestly, I wouldn’t go, you’re not his parent and it’s parents’ evening and it’ll rise a row if his mum finds out. And long term the best thing you can do is work on his anxiety.

As a parent, I would say go if he wants you there. As you're supporting him with homework, you might ask relevant questions. Some kids can be left to get on with homework at that age; some need checking up on because they mess about and don't do it; some like a bit of help or reassurance. I don't know why some people are giving you a hard time over this.

As a teacher, I would be pissed off that you were taking 2 appointments. Think about how many split households there are likely to be in a class/year group and how much time this would add to a teacher's evening if they all expected to have an extra appointment.

At my (primary) school, we used to sometimes have parents booking 2 appointments but now have the rule that it's one appointment per child. Exceptions can be made for special circumstances but this wouldn't be one of them.

For some families, both parents come together. Some parents take turns with one parent taking the autumn appointment and the other going in spring. I can think of one family where it was tricky for the dad to come so the mum and stepmum used to come together.

If your DSS has said he'd like you to go then go, if it's you who helps him with schoolwork then it's a good idea to know how he's getting on & if there's anything in particular he's struggling with. If his Mum kicks off let your DH deal with her. He needs to let her know that you being a positive influence in her Sons life is a good thing & she should be happy you're willing to care for him as good as you do.

I'd go in this situation. Mum is going to a separate appt & whether or not you attend with dad won't impact her

I would go, you have a lot to do with him and I'm sure the teacher who speaks the same language that you know will be really glad that he has good support at home.
You're not replacing the mum, she'll get over it.

Unless there's a DV case or something, it's bonkers that teachers/schools have to accommodate two seperate meetings.

If it were up to me, joint teams meeting, both parents put on mute and all questions in the chat box!

Unfortunately @TheStepMom you have encountered the standard response on MN from a minority of women who detest any input from a step parent no matter how kind and caring and no matter how genuinely supportive they are to their step child. It’s almost certainly projection. It will be posters whose children have a step mother and they would much prefer the child to (at best) dislike them but ideally hate them with an all encompassing wrath.

These will be the same posters who will pile on to a OP when she’s confessed that she finds step parenting challenging and refuses to step- in to ‘help out’ (unpaid childcare when both parents are ‘busy’) .. or wants more of a detached role. Then the cry will be ‘but you knew he had kids when you married him .. ‘ You really can’t win with these types. You are a man-stealing tart who has insinuated yourself into her children’s lives no matter how many years after the first marriage failed that you met your DH.. there’s never going to be a time when women of this ilk will see that you are a force for good in their lives.

You should do what your SS wants. I would help my kids with homework right up to A levels. If requested and I actually understood the assignment. So crack on. He is a very lucky young man.

Oh - and the other thing to remember. The biological mother is NEVER unreasonable. It’s just not possible. All divorced mothers are entirely reasonable when it comes to the ex meeting someone else . Suggestions that they are difficult, drama obsessed nightmares who actually cause their children more distress - will be instantly shot down with. ‘Well he would say that . Wouldn’t he ? Because we all know that women have no ability at all to be bitter or vindictive.

Yep it's the old "you should treat the SC the same as you would your own child" and when the OP does exactly what she would do in that situation (i.e attend a parents evening), it becomes "how dare you treat them as your own"...MN really is something else when it comes to being a SM, whatever the SM dos is wrong.