How do I set boundaries with my son's new girlfriend?

[Vidka]

Hi there ,
I need some advice, my son has a new girlfriend and they have been dating officially 2 months and got to no each other a month prior before my son asked her out. His prior girlfriend they dated for 11 months , and we had issues with her , she was passive aggressive towards me , over stepped the mark, and my son started changing, I tried everything with her and we welcomed her and I went out of our way I understand she had issues , but it made out family dynamics out of wack
Fast Forward, he has another girlfriend he waited all of 3 weeks, before he started talking to his new girlfriend, we asked him to please get to no her , on the outside first, before you bring her home... And he didn't listen of course 😏 the same cycle is happening again
She is extremely out spoken , passive aggressive and likes to over step her mark in our family business, I am extremely stressed about it there is a lot more to it, I have spoken to my son but he is being immature about it, I am scared to address it with her , because of want my son will say, my son blames me for his last break up
Because after 6 months , I had a chat with his ex and said we really do like you, and love having you here , but I had to put boundaries in place it is happening again, but this time there are a lot of concerning behaviour with his new girlfriend and what she says , is also a little alarming
It has placed distance between my son and I and we are always arguing about it.
Any advice would be great. I am thinking of having a chat with her as I feel I need to set some boundaries in my home.

Same here with the spineless h close behind.
Why isn't he supporting his wife and being proactive? Instead of allegdly siting on the sidelines like a wet turd while enjoying the soap opera unfolding?

It’s no good complaining to your son he is like his dad very passive and it then becomes like a tug of war for him between you and his GF.
You don’t need to warn people about boundaries you just need to tell her when she crosses them and she faces the consequences.
Your son will balk at them because he just wants to be good cop and try not get involved. What you have to recognise is whether you put your foot down or not his GF won’t change and will continue to be offensive.
Your boundaries protect you, your dog and your home from people like her, tell her she has to leave next time and she is not welcome back. You might have to escort her out or if she refuses call the police and tell them you have someone in your house who is refusing to leave and becoming abusive.
You son will likely tell you that you’ve ruined his life / in the wrong and caused him untold trouble but that’s only because he desperately tries to put his head in the sand when there is trouble. Your son is an adult, he makes his own decisions and you can’t protect him from them. If he has to go round his GF’s home because she is unwelcome at your home then he will learn very quickly what she is really like without her putting being able to blame you. It’s his lesson to learn and you have to step back! If he blames you for the break up of his ex or his GF he has now, you calmly tell him it’s up to him what woman he chooses to have a relationship with but you won’t tolerate anyone being deliberately offensive towards you and mistreating you or your dog nor are they welcome in your home. Take it on the chin and remind yourself no one has the right to come into your home and deliberately cause offence. Your son needs to see you being assertive and hopefully in time will learn how to protect himself with boundaries with people like his GF.
She spoke to your dog like that whilst you were in the room to not only put you on edge and anger you but to let you know she will abuse your dog when no one is looking.
She announces she has gone into your bedroom to have a look because she wants you to feel you are powerless against her invading your privacy.
She tells inserts herself in family business, you tell her to mind her own business.
She raises her voices to you, tell her she has no right to shout at you and get her to leave.
If she tries to get your son involved when you have asked her to leave or pick sides, you tell them it’s not up for discussion and she is not welcome into your home and cause trouble.

I would not allow her in my home !
Set out the rules and if she is rude you pull her up or u don't engage she will soon get the message !
If she has to come have set days .
I had to do this I insisted only 1 day in the week and 1 weekend night and she be gone by 10 am !
When they split I did say to son do not invite girls here cus it's a nightmare lol 😁
So he got his own place ! Perfect 👌

I really don't get his parents can sit there and take bullshit like this from anyone. The issue is obviously your son, he seems to think he can do what he wants and being whoever he wants to your home and ignore when they disrespect you.

I see many posts here telling parents to pander when their teenage children want to bring their boyfriends or girlfriends to the house which again makes no sense. You need to have a very firm discussion with your son and set boundaries and he is free to move out if he can't respect your house and your rules.

Be nice to her OP, it’s not worth the risk of alienating your son

I’d be much more interested in why my son was picking these awful girls than I would be asking the girls directly. Why do you think he is making such poor choices?

Yes, that seems to be to be the real question!

Hahaha the classic mumsnet response. Be passive and take every rude bullshit some 19 year old throws at you in your own house "so you don't alienate your son"

There speaks the voice of Wet Lettuce-ry

If she had said that to my dog ,she would of been told to fuck off there and then.

You have a son problem. If/when she goes, he’ll bring another as he seems to like bossy messy women who will wind you up. He’s the issue.

You are the adult here. This is your home. Have a word with your son about the basics of human interactions and good manners e.g. guests don't go snooping in bedrooms, don't shout at the host, don't threaten the livestock

ETA that last clause. Anyone who threatened my dog (provided the dog was behaving) in my home would be asked to leave.

Definitely set your boundaries. We had it with our sons ex , on her first visit here she helped herself to stuff from the fridge we sat and watched horrified. Before long she was helping herself to my toiletries perfume etc and still going in my cupboards and fridge without asking . She’d go in the living room while we were all sat chatting after a meal in the kitchen throw all the cushions on the floor grab a throw and lie down on the sofa and go to sleep . It was the most bizarre experience I think I’ve ever had . My son felt mental I could tell he did he wasn’t brought up like this and I told him you sort it or I’ll sort it he didn’t so I told him she’s no longer welcome . Two months later their relationship was over he’d caught her cheating . His new gf of 3 years is like another daughter to us , she’s soo different , respectful loving kind generous helpful shes one of the family ❤️

Yes this would do it for me. She would not be coming back.

God mind your own business ,your Sims relationship is nothing to do with you . Your far to involved ,maybe that's part of the issues you are having with these girls and your son

The moment she threatened your dog. She would have been told to lift her belongings and leave!I would have told her" the dog lives here .You Don't" If your son objected ,he could go stay at her parents! You have the right to say who enters your home and what behaviour is acceptable within it. If your boys girlfreind cant except that. She stays away.

Yeh let her kick your dog it’s fine ! Are you for real FFS

I agree completely. He might decamp to hers for a while but I really can’t see this relationship lasting for long anyway and at least your house becomes your home again and when he’s home, she won’t be there to aggravate the situation 🤷🏼‍♀️

This issue is solely with your DS. He doesn't live in a frat house, he lives in your family home and he's dragging in trash. Kindly, you and your DH need to stand up for yourselves and tell him you've had more than enough of his foul mouthed girlfriends and you don't want them in your home.

That’s it. Any threat to my dog and she’d be out in her ear.

What a ridiculous statement, how has it got nothing to do with her when the girl is coming to her house and being disrespectful with no boundaries?

He's old enough to move out. Suggest that's what he needs to do.

@Ilovelifeverymuch

but what if he moves out and goes no contact?

what/who is the common denominator

Tell him she's barred from the house. She sounds rude and threatening abusing your dog is unacceptable. If someone said or did anything to my animals I'd kick them right out the door.

He can see her at hers or outside or pay for a hotel.